The Monster Inside- Leah Clearwater POV

Three Weeks Earlier

We walked in, his arm around my waist, my arm around his shoulder. The entire pack, Sam, Paul, Jared, Seth, Collin, Brady, Quil, and Embry all sat before us, and at the same time, they shuddered. On the inside, I laughed to myself. I saw Seth cringe as Jacob kissed my forehead. At the moment, I didn’t care. For once, I felt wanted. Like I meant something to somebody. It was a good feeling, a feeling I had missed. A feeling I hadn’t felt in years. Jacob Black loved me. He had given me the gift that I had been waiting for ever since Sam, who was glaring at us now, had taken away from me years ago. So what if he was younger? So what if we’ve hated each other in the past? I was happy, and after so many years of suffering, I deserved a little happiness. I loved Jacob Black, and I was just happy that he loved me back.

I wasn’t sure what hurt more - telling myself that I hated him, or knowing that I didn’t. I was stupid. I let myself do something that I promised myself I wouldn’t ever do again. I fell in love. What happens when your heart breaks twice? It felt like he was my other half. He was the half that Sam took with him as he walked away from me, Emily on his arm. But this second time, Jacob Black took away everything. I had trusted him. He had promised he would never leave me. He promised he would never break my heart the way Sam had. But look at me now.

Jacob Black. I had told myself the minute I knew that I loved him, that someday this would happen. That someday he would imprint and leave me, just like Sam. I trusted him with my heart, my soul, myself. Some promises can never be kept. Sam had promised me he loved me. So had Jacob. And I had thought that Jacob would be different. We were both the only werewolves who wished that we weren’t so dangerous. So unpredictable. We wished that we weren’t…a monster. I thought that maybe, just maybe, he’d understand. Again, I was stupid.

Why had I ever thought that anyone could understand the hurt, the angst I felt every day of my life? I hated who I was. I didn’t know who I was. Ever since Sam, I wasn’t the girl that everybody loved. That girl was long gone. That girl had disappeared from everybody’s memory. Now, I was the girl that nobody liked. The nightmare of an ex-girlfriend who can’t move on. Everyone in the pack hated me. Despised me. Maybe if that weren’t true, I’d be happier. But that wasn’t true, and I wasn’t any happier.

But when Jacob had started to become my friend, everything changed. I felt…happy. For the first time in a long time, I smiled, I laughed, I was nicer to people. The black mist that always seemed to hang over me abruptly lifted. The world was a happier, brighter, a more colorful place than I remembered. Because Jacob was...indescribable. He had this thing about him that made you happy, no matter what. So, we spent a lot of time together. Too much time. Because the more time I spent with him was the more I realized that I was in love with him. And the more I realized I was in love with him, the less I remembered what love had done to me. Love had made me the person that I never wanted to be. I had forgotten what love had the power to do.

Out of pure anger, I ran out of my room. Of course, Seth stopped me.

“Hey, Leah, where are you going?”

“Why does it matter to you?” I asked, the scorn in my voice taking even me by surprise. He left it at that, closing his bedroom door. I ran out of the house, and slid the back door open so hard that it came off the track. The door fell, glass shattered. I didn’t care. I felt a small sting in my arms, and one below my left eye. In a minute and a half, those wounds would be long gone. The one on my heart, I couldn’t be so sure it would ever heal. I continued out to the forest. I undressed quickly, draping my clothes neatly over a fallen tree branch, the cool breeze soothing against my feverish skin.

This moment, so peaceful, so innocent, was perfect. Though my dark mist was descending gradually, this moment was still flawless. I stood there, naked for a few seconds. I felt a tear slide down my cheek. The expression ‘life isn’t fair’ was an understatement. It seemed everyone around me was perfectly happy, and yet, if God did exist, he never seemed to want the happiness to be centered on me. What had I done wrong? Why was I being punished for being heart-broken to the point of insanity? The perfect moment was gone before I could even begin to cherish it as I phased. It took a matter of seconds. A matter of seconds to change into what I least wanted to be. A matter of seconds to be the nightmare from an ancient legend. A matter of seconds could change everything.

I ran, darting through the woods. I didn’t care where I was going, where I was headed. It didn’t matter. I was running for the sake of running. For the feel of my paws pounding the tender earth. My motive was to get away, free myself from the nightmare you could call my life. For a moment, there was hope. I was going to run away. I would do what I wanted, free of La Push and everything I left there, though it probably would be a little more complicated than that.

Leah. His voice sounded, and all hope that I had was gone. It wasn’t asking if I was there. He was saying my name, acknowledging me. I ignored him, hoping maybe his irresistible voice would fade away. Away from my memories, away from me altogether.

I know you can hear me. I still didn’t care, or that’s what I tried to convince myself.

Just leave me alone, Jacob Black, I muttered mentally. Still, I knew he wasn’t going to back down.

Leah, please, just…ten minutes. Just give me ten minutes of your life. That’s all. And then I’ll disappear. His voice was too irresistible, too convincing.

Ten minutes, that’s all you get Jake, okay? I don’t think I could stand you for a second more.

And then he was there. In a small clearing several miles behind my house. I had no time to think, no time of peace before I had to see his face. And then I lost my train of thought. I gazed out at his human form, completely awestruck. What had I done wrong that God decided that I didn’t deserve him? I didn’t deserve happiness. I didn’t deserve love. More than that, I didn’t deserve love from the amazing creature that was Jacob Black.

“Please, Leah. Phase to human. I think that this will be easier that way,” he said, his voice harmonious in my ears. I could practically hear the hallelujah chorus. I heard a growl escape my lips. I didn’t think I could bear it if I were human. I was too insecure to be around him human. I was confident as a wolf. As a wolf, I could outrun him if I needed to.

“Come on, Lee Lee. I only have ten minutes. Don’t make me waste it.” That got me. And it wasn’t just the nickname, though that had my heart beat picking up, as well. It’s what he said. Like he wanted me. Like he didn’t want to leave me in just ten minutes. It made my heart beat, my head spin, and my ears pound. And I was in my wolf form. I whimpered, and slunk back into the woods, flying back to where I left my clothes. I phased quickly, and rushed into the white slip dress pajamas I had been wearing before. I grimaced as the silk slid over my skin. I should have worn sweats. I knew I looked good in the dress; I had been wearing anything lately to make me feel like I was worth something, that I was beautiful. I just didn’t feel attractive without Jacob. I sprinted back to the clearing. I didn’t know why I was so eager.

“What else could you possibly want from me, Jacob?” I asked in a whisper as I entered the clearing, knowing he could hear me.

“Forgiveness,” he muttered. My lips pulled back over my teeth, and a growl slid between them.

“Forgiveness,” I said sarcastically. “Right, Jacob. You knew. You knew I was suffering, that I was in pain. And guess what Jake? You were my painkiller. You made everything feel better. I was happy for the first time in years. I got used to it. I got used to feeling loved, and wanted…I just don’t understand why you would make the promise that you did. The promise to love me, to care about me, forever, when you knew that there was the possibility that you would never be able to keep your promise. I trusted you Jacob Black. I gave you everything I had, which, I’ll admit wasn’t much in the first place, but it was enough to kill me. Enough to make me wish I hadn’t ever trusted you. So yeah, I’ll forgive you Jacob. Just go run off with your baby half-bloodsucker girlfriend. I won’t mind. I don’t care that you left me for a bloodsucker. No, I’m just going to sit around waiting for you to remember that you loved me!” He cringed at the last sentence.

“Leah, I didn’t plan for any of this to happen, I never thought that...”

“What did you think, Jacob? That you were in love with Bella Swan? That you were in love with a bloodsucker-to-be? It could never happen, Jacob, and I thought you were at least intelligent enough to know that.”

“Leah, please,” he said, his voice strained.

“Five minutes,” I reminded him,

“Leah, you don’t understand. This is as hard for me as it is for you. I’m trying to fight it, to escape it, but it’s not working. I don’t have the strength to fight it anymore. I’m sorry...I love you.”

“No you don’t, Jake. If you loved me, you wouldn’t be doing this,” I said. “Jake, if you loved me like Sam loves Emily, than you wouldn’t feel this ‘pull’ towards a bloodsucker!” I felt a tear roll down my cheek. Jake approached me before it could fall. His finger grazed my cheek, and brushed it away. I looked up into his dark eyes, and his eyes were glassy.

“Jake, please, you’re leaving me. This isn’t supposed to be hard for you.” I whispered, he tucked a piece of my dark hair behind my ear.

“But it is,” he said, his voice cracking.

“Two minutes,” I breathed. It was painful to say, but I couldn’t let myself beg him to stay. It gave him a power that I couldn’t afford for him to have.

“Leah, please, don’t do this,” he whispered.

“Jake, do you even know what it’s like to have your heart torn out and stomped on, not once, but twice? Do you have any idea what it’s like? What it’s like to be me? To have everyone hate you because you’re a terrible person? And the only thing that you can do is just ignore it? To just let it go? Jake, it’s not as easy as it seems.” Then we were kissing. His lips crushing mine. I closed my eyes, enjoying it, but not sure why. I tried to make myself pull away, but when I did, my muscles just guided me closer to him. He eventually, though it was too soon, pulled away. I burst into tears. He hugged me close to him, rubbing slow, gentle circles on my back.

“Leah, I’m sorry, okay? I love you more than anything on the planet, you know that.” That made me pull away from him, mostly because of the fact that both he and I knew it wasn’t true.

“Goodbye, Jake. I love you.” I turned to the trees, Jake begging me not to leave. I ignored him. I undressed, not caring if he saw me, not caring what he thought. I turned back one last time, staring into his black eyes, and phased into the gray wolf that I hated. I laughed to myself, realizing that I hated every part of me, just like everyone else.

Then, I ran away, leaving him in the clearing, calling my name. This was it, I thought, feeling my paws pound the dirt. I was leaving and never coming back. I would go home first, tell Seth. Tell him to tell my Mom I loved her, to tell Sam I loved him. I was going to disappear, fading into the background, out of everybody’s mind.

“Seth!” I called, phasing as I walked through the door. I sprinted upstairs and grabbed a pair of sweats.

“Hey, Lee. What’s up?” he asked. His eyes were bright and innocent.. My heart melted at the sight of my baby brother. I loved him so much. Nothing was going to stop me.

“I’m leaving. I’m never coming back. I just wanted to say goodbye. Tell mom, and Sam. Tell them that I love them. And, I love you too, little brother. You’re a great kid.” I turned my back, and made my way out the door.

“So that’s it?” he asked. I turned around. “You’re just going to leave? Give mom just another reason to kill herself? Just because Jake breaks up with you over something he can’t control…”

“Mom can take care of herself,” I said. “I love you, Seth. I’m gonna miss you.” I phased before he could say anything more. I ran, not sure where, not sure how. They’d forget about me eventually. A part of me felt sorry for doing this to Seth, for doing this to my mother, but I knew that this was the right thing. For everyone. I wouldn’t be torturing Sam, he wouldn’t have to face me anymore. I wouldn’t be torturing Jake by being there. The guilt was too much for him, I could tell. I loved him enough to leave him alone. But most of all, I wouldn’t be torturing myself. This is what I needed, a new start, a clean slate. I was leaving the girl some people called Leah Clearwater in La Push, and becoming the wolf in me that I had always denied.

As I ran, I heard my love’s forlorn howl sound in the distance. Soon, my brother’s howl joined in. I had to tell myself that I needed the freedom that I’d always limited myself from. The only way to get that, was to disappear. I pushed myself forward, giving myself the willpower to just keep going, to not turn around like I yearned to. I wasn’t Leah anymore. I was a wolf. I was an animal. I was a monster. I always had been.