“I don’t love you anymore,” I told him, my eyes never leaving his. His face betrayed his shock, but he never said a word. “In fact, I’ve never loved you,” I continued, horrified at the words that were coming out of my mouth. What was I saying? My body seemed disconnected from my mind and I’d lost all control over my actions and words.
I love you, I wanted to scream at him. “I hate you.”
He fell on his knees, devastated. “Why?” he asked, speaking for the first time.
My heart longed to hug him and tell him I loved him, but my body wouldn’t respond. “You’re not good enough for me,” I heard my voice say. I turned around and ran away, leaving Edward on the ground in the forest, broken and alone.
I awoke with a start, heavily gasping for air. Immediately I felt a pair of cold arms around me, comforting me. “Another nightmare?” he asked softly, rubbing my back. I just nodded, unable to form a verbal answer because of the sobs that were escaping me.
Even though Edward had been back for over a month, I still sometimes had nightmares. Most of those revolved around Edward leaving me again, but this one was different. Everything had seemed so real: the look on his face as I told him I didn’t love him anymore was so full of despair and anguish that it brought on a whole new round of tears just by remembering it.
“It’s okay,” he murmured in my ear. “I’m here, I’m not leaving you.”
I shook my head. “You…you didn’t leave me,” I managed to get out.
He pulled away a little to look at me. “Then what happened?” he asked.
“I left you,” I said, wiping my tears away. “We were in the forest and I told you I didn’t love you anymore, but I did, but I didn’t have any control over my body and I couldn’t tell you I loved you, but I said I hated you and you…you believed me,” I rushed though the words before the sobbing started again.
Edward pulled me closer to his chest again, and I wrapped my arms around him. “It was horrible,” I whispered. “The look on your face…” I stopped, realizing something: what happened in my dream was probably very similar to what Edward had gone through when he’d left me.
“I know,” he whispered, sounding torn. He pressed his lips to the top of my head. “I’m so sorry.” I sighed. Of course he’d think it was his fault.
“Not your fault,” I mumbled into his chest. We sat like that for a while, not saying anything.
“You should go back to sleep,” he said after a while, laying down with me again.
There was one more thing on my mind, though. “Would it have mattered if I hadn’t believed you that day?” I asked, hoping he’d answer.
He didn’t answer for a while and I gave up on receiving a response.
“Yes and no,” he said, just as I was starting to fall asleep again. “I still would’ve left… I had to do what was best for you. But my memories of that day would be very different. I’m not certain whether it would have been harder or easier to leave you if you hadn’t believed me.”
“It would’ve been harder… for me, at least,” I whispered, hiding my face in his shoulder. “Knowing you’d left but still loved me. At least now I had the comforting thought that you were living a happy life… even if it was without me.” I paused. “Honestly though, was there anything I could’ve said or done to make you stay?”
“Maybe,” he answered, running his hand through my hair. I smiled at his comforting touch. “If you hadn’t believed me, and I had to try to convince you for hours, like I thought I would have to, my resolve would’ve wavered. I don’t think I would have been able to tell you I didn’t love you for hours… Once was difficult enough.” He buried his face in my hair, obviously upset. This time I was the one comforting him, placing little kisses on his neck and shoulder.
He pulled back after a while and moved his hands from my back to my face, turning it upward slightly so I could look into his eyes. “Don’t ever believe I don’t love you, Isabella.”
“Don’t ever tell me you don’t again,” I responded. He smiled before leaning down and pressing his lips to mine. I smiled against his lips, eagerly returning the kiss. All thoughts of one of us leaving the other vanished as soon as he pulled me closer to him.
“I love you,” I reminded him as soon as he pulled away to let me breathe. “I love you so much.”
“You really shouldn’t,” he said, and I was about to protest when he silenced me by putting a finger to my lips. “But I don’t have words for how happy I am that you do.”
