I crouched over my guitar, trying to rub off the stains. It had been almost a year since that day in the woods, but I wasn't moving along. I had given up on going to Dartmouth, and was staying home, looking after Charlie. Jake didn't see me anymore; after I had gone to Volterra he couldn't understand why I love Edward. But I do. I have for a year and a half now, and I always will. Whilst I know that we will never be together, my heart still hopes that we will.
I still remember that day, the day he left for the second day. I faked a smile, made him think I was happy, that what I wanted and needed wasn’t him. That he wasn’t everything I wanted, that we were everything we should be, acquaintances, nothing more. How he didn’t see past my acting was a miracle, but he didn’t, so I was happy. He hadn’t noticed that I was truly unhappy; he thought I was, and I couldn’t ruin his idea of me. I pretended that I didn’t want him anymore, that we weren’t right, and that I had ‘come to my senses’, as he had put it.
Was he with Tanya now? He had mentioned that she was attracted to him, why wouldn’t he be attracted to her? She had to be beautiful; I mean she was a vampire. I would have bet that she was twenty times more beautiful than I was. He hadn’t mentioned her in Volterra, but I hadn’t mentioned Jake, either. My heart leapt with jealousy. Tanya had everything that I had to live without; she had everything that I wanted. Through my own fault.
He had spoken to me in the car coming back from Volterra. He was animated, far more than I had seen him before. I had giggled; he was funny, but only to me. It was as if he was the only person in the world, I didn’t even notice Alice in the car when he was there. I thought I had had a chance, but I was wrong. I didn’t have one.
When Alice was on the flight home with me, and told me he was in love with someone, my heart broke. I was so happy that Jasper wasn’t there; he would have blown my cover immediately. Edward finally had it right, he had finally realised that he was far, far too good for me. And while it hurt, it meant that he had come to his senses, that he realized that the lamb wasn’t good enough for the lion. But I still wondered, did he know that I still kept my window open at night, just for him? Because I hoped and prayed that he might come and creep back into my room at night, or that I’ll wake up and it’ll be my eighteenth birthday again, and that he’ll still be here, and I could fight harder to not go to his house, simply so I could stop this happening.
My head was leaning against my guitar, I was crying softly again. He was the reason my three month old guitar was aged. It was stained from the salt leaking out of my teardrops, most of them left when I was wishing that he would suddenly think that he had made a mistake, and come back. My hopes were futile, but hopes were all I had left.
He had ruined me. I couldn’t listen to music in my truck, it reminded me of him. Music was his passion, one of the few things that filled the never ending days and nights. The cd we had casually discussed, Hybrid Theory, was one of my most prized possessions. It kept permanent residence in the truck, but it was still there. The only thing he hadn’t taken away from me that reminded me of him. And I hid it, although I didn’t like doing it, I had to be able to drive.
When he walked past me for the final time, I couldn’t breathe, my heart was pounding. Did he realise that I couldn’t breathe? The amount of people around me meant that although he couldn’t tell about my breathing, he could probably tell about my heart pounding due to the scent of my blood. He walked past me, I felt my heart breaking all over again, the subtle little stitches that I had managed to sew into the mangled mess that was left splitting open and displaying the mess that was my heart all around me. He had seemed so flawless, so perfect, so like an angel. I knew that I was lucky to have him, but I always wondered if he would have stayed with me if I had been a vampire, if I had been one of him.
I just hope that Tanya knew how lucky she was to have him. She has to look after him; he’s so important, so worthwhile. She had to give him all the love she can, he didn’t deserve anything less. He deserved the sun, moon and stars, and she’s the one who could give him all that. I just hoped she realized how truly gifted she was to have him, to be able to look into his deep butterscotch coloured eyes, and see exactly how much he felt for her in just one look.
My tears were falling heavier now, gliding down my cheeks onto the solid wood beneath my head. My eyes followed them as they travelled along the curve, towards the base of the neck. I couldn’t stop myself from crying the silent tears that fell, even if I had wanted to. This was the most I had cried since the last night I had seen Alice, since I had seen one of the people I had used to call my family. What I wouldn’t give even to just see Rosalie, to see one of them, even the one who hated me.
I put my guitar back in its case, and zipped it up slowly, the tears still pouring down my face. Turning to the wall, my fingers reached out of their own accord to press the light switch, engulfing my room in darkness. Blindly making my way over to my bed, I kissed my fingertips, and pressed them to the rough sketch I had drawn of him, and turned it upside down.
“Goodnight,” I whispered softly, afraid of Charlie hearing me. Laying my head on my pillow, I closed my eyes, willing myself to dream of anyone, of anything, except for him. Except for Edward.
Although I was trying to fall asleep, my memories kept breaking through my carefully constructed barriers. I only had six months with him, but it seemed so much longer. I a lot of time, but there wasn’t enough, there never would be. Looking at him that final time was so difficult, so amazingly tough, but I did it, somehow. When he looked at me, I faked a smile so that he wouldn’t see.