A vampire called Doc Carlisle Cullen
is never in mood quite so sullen.
He is blond, he is hot.
Human blood, he drinks not.
Three centuries plus he’s spent quietly mullin’.
In Chi-town in nineteen eighteen
Spanish flu did rage through, oh so keen.
Liz Masen called Carlisle immortal, not man.
“Save my son, Sir, as only you can.”
Young Edward will ever be but seventeen.
Three years on, Esme Platt jumped a cliff.
Drunken fishermen thought her a stiff.
Yet her heart did still beat,
Carlisle took her in rapid retreat.
Her sweet scent he did catch every whiff.
Rosalie Hale was a blonde, blue-eyed beauty
Whom all admired as if out of duty.
Her fiancé, Royce,
seemed the ideal choice,
But his chums foully took her as booty.
Tennesee mountain man Emmett McCarty
Was big. He was buff, he was hearty.
The bear, it was mean and was stronger
Rose begged him, “Hang on a bit longer.”
Their wedding was quite the big party.
The little dark-haired pixie is Alice.
She has not one ounce in her of malice.
She will prance, she will dance, she will hop.
Every Cullen she’ll always out-shop.
Their home, it looks just like a palace.
Jasper Whitlock led Maria’s newborn army,
But their fears started making him barmy*.
He walked into that old Philly diner.
No dark pixie had ever looked finer.
Their love’s sweet, but not ever smarmy.
Bella Swan’s the new girl in town.
Edward Cullen did stare with a frown.
Bella captured his heart;
Gave his life a new start.
Now that frown’s upside down.
The nomads are Victoria, Laurent, and James.
They have no real need for last names.
They back down on the field,
Yet James is not one to yield.
He wants Bella for one of his games.
The tall Quileute kid is named Jake.
He and Bells, mud pies they did make.
Nomad vamps put him into a haze
And he suddenly started to phase.
Wow! Those tribe legends really aren’t fake.
Vamp royals Marcus, and Caius, and Aro
Look quite pale, not Mediterranean sallow.
In Volterra they rule;
They will suffer no fool.
Spill the secret -- your grave will be shallow.
Charlie Swan’s the top cop there in Forks.
'Til now he’s dealt mostly with dorks.
Nomad vamps come to town,
Waylon’s blood they chow down.
Cops’ guns are more useless than sporks.
Renee’s Bella Swan’s flighty mother.
She and Bells mostly raised one another.
When she and Phil wed,
To Forks Bella fled
Their wedded bliss not to smother.
The blond spike-haired one is named Mike.
Kinda cute, so what’s not to like.
At Bella he can’t help but stare
Causing Edward to growl and to glare.
“Back off, pal. His temper will spike.”
Dish-pan blonde is the gossip girl, Jess.
Her you won’t ever find playing chess.
Edward turned her down flat.
Her mind’s like a gnat.
Still she’s always trying to impress.
Angie Webber is sweet and she’s kind.
No mean thought ever crosses her mind.
Bella’s one true human friend.
So sad it must end
When she leaves her humanity behind.