Merry Christmas from the Cullens
Dear friends, family, and fellow 'vegetarians' (ha ha):
We wanted to take a break during this festive time to wish you a Merry Christmas. It's been an eventful year! In a sharp detour from decades of astonishing underachievement, the 'kids' stopped repeating high school long enough to get hitched, have a baby (yes, in that order, sheesh!) and help us battle some fellow vamps (if you're reading this Aro, you can kiss our ass).
Rosalie placed 2nd in Miss Universe this year (don't ask) and Carlisle was awarded a grant to practice medicine in the far reaches of the Congo while simultaneously curing cancer, but has wisely decided his service is much more needed here in Forks, WA, population 3000. I know...we all said WTF, too.
Emmett was invited once again to Seahawks training camp after their head recruiter happened upon his high school badminton records. (And once again, Coach Clap takes all the credit. Yeah, we can't believe that's his real name, either.)
Jasper continues to pursue his love of history, and doesn't miss a chance to travel to the American south for various battle reenactments. You know how that boy loves his Civil War trivia and memorabilia!
Little Alice continues to amuse us with her parlor tricks and quirky sense of...everything. Incidentally, we want to take this opportunity to thank those of you who have sent us recommendations for psychiatrists and group homes in the greater Seattle area. We've kept them filed for such a time that she'd come willingly (or at least wouldn't see it coming). Fingers crossed!
Bella officially joined our humble family this year, and we couldn't be happier about the fact that we no longer yearn to kill her. Her father seems to have become a little dense in the past months, but it hasn't affected the gene pool: Bella and Edward's daughter Renesmee (the name's a bitch for spell-check, but we just call her Nessie) is growing by leaps and bounds (8 inches just last month!) and continues to make us proud, mastering quantum physics and the ancient art of Japanese origami in the past few weeks. We're not sure we approve of her boyfriend, but that's preschoolers these days, right? What can you do?
(No really, what can we do? He's big and burly, but we know we could take him. It's just the matter of a supposed treaty line, and his wolf pack...Jane, email me!!!)
We considered adopting another girl this year (to be frank, it was in the heat of the moment), but sadly, her head was ripped off her shoulders before we could fully broach the subject. (I'm looking at you, Felix.) Of course, we have all Jacob's brothers in...denim...to fuss over, but it's just not the same. (They're loud, smelly, and demand a lot of human food. Is this what it's like to have all boys?!) Luckily we have our vast wealth, numerous talents, stunning good looks, and immortality to comfort us when life gets us down.
Anyway, best wishes to you and yours. We know we had the pleasure of many of your company recently, but we're always up for a visit. (What can I say, now that we no longer have a human danger magnet in our midst, things have gotten dull here.) If you're ever in Forks, don't be strangers! (But for f@ck's sake, don't eat any of our neighbors. Home values have gone down in rural Washington enough as it is.)