“She chose Jacob.”

As I spoke the words, the entire family gasped. Not externally, though. Internally. It was a weird experience. On the outside, they were all staring, jaws set, trying not to let their disbelief show through, but on the inside they were in an uproar.

I couldn’t let their reactions get to me. I was on the verge of breaking as it was and letting them see it was against the promise I had made to myself. Not that any promise I made would mean anything anymore, not after I broke the one promise that meant the most. Not after I failed to keep Bella safe like I said I would.

I felt the sobs building in my chest, and without another word I turned to the stairs and darted up them and away from the eyes of my family. Instinctually, I went right to my own bedroom, not considering the repercussions until I was already inside of it with the door shut. The first thing I saw was the long black couch. I leaned my head backwards against the door with a thump letting my eyes close as I heard the distant echo of Bella’s voice invade my memories.

“You’re still waiting for the running and screaming, aren’t you?” She raised an eyebrow, turning away from my CD collection to face me.

She had been joking at the time, but I really was a monster. There was no denying it. I might not have been quite as much of a monster as Jacob was proving himself to be, but I was a monster nonetheless.

I crossed to the couch, extending a hand and tracing a finger along the surface of it. I folded myself onto it, leaning my head back onto the cushion and staring at the ceiling distastefully. The last time I had been in this room was when I had decided to leave Forks, and Bella. How ironic that I should return on the day which she left me.

A sudden wave of self loathing consumed me and I stood up again and began pacing. Anger and resentment tore through me like a poison, threatening to tear me apart. Regret bubbled up from my core, leaving a more unpleasant feeling than even my venom could as it sat, nagging at my conscious thoughts.

If only I had seen then how impotent my attempt would be. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have believed for one second that my absence would help her? I knew she was a danger magnet, and I knew how stubborn she was, how had I expected that she would be able to move on just like that?

If she had been feeling even a fraction of the emotions I was feeling at this moment, I deserved the harshest punishment imaginable for putting her through it. I had known the loneliness of being without Bella. I had been haunted by the empty feeling for the past 3 years, but this was different. This was worse by far. I knew the reason for it’s intensity was because it hadn’t been my choice. It was less painful, and I never believed I would ever be able to consider anything more painful than those years of my life, but that had been less painful by far in comparison to this. I

t had been my choice to leave her before. It had been my decision and I had always known that even though I was without her, there was a chance that she still wanted me. This was different. The sheer rejection and denial that I was left with was one of the most painful feelings I had ever experienced.

If this was how Bella felt when I left her, I didn’t deserve a second chance. No one, especially not Bella, deserved this torment.

I was shocked that I had contained my feelings thus far. I knew it was more for the sake of my family than anything else. If I were alone, I probably would have collapsed by now. But I didn’t want to put them through that again. It wasn’t fair of me to make them suffer along with me. Even if I was behind closed doors, there were no secrets in a house full of vampires who could see the future and hear through walls and floors.

I paced like that for several hours, battling with my emotions and containing the many sobs that threatened to tear out of my throat. I could hear the family conversing in hushed tones, exchanging theories on what might have happened and making predictions as to what would happen next. I ignored them as best as I could, but every now and again an inner comment of Alice’s or Esme’s would break through and open a new wound on my dead heart. There were two concerns prominent on not only their minds, but all of my families minds, including Rosalie’s. Concern for Bella, and concern for me.

A knock on the door put an abrupt halt to my pacing. “Edward, can I come in?” Jasper’s voice requested. Realizing how inattentive I must have been to not hear his approach, I gave him quiet permission and continued pacing.

Let it out, dude. Please. You’re killing me, here.

I looked up at him quickly, confused. His eyes were pleading and sympathetic as he crossed to sit on the couch.

It’s just making it worse for you by bottling it up.

“I can’t lose it, Jasper. Not here. Not now. I’ve put this family through enough without subjecting them to that.”

“Edward,” he said, speaking aloud this time. “There isn’t anyone in this house who wouldn’t understand. You are upset, and rightly so. No one expects you to be strong through this. Let it out.”

I shook my head, though his point was tempting.

“At least talk about what happened, then.” Jasper suggested. “Was Jacob there?”

“No. Jacob wasn’t there. It was just Bella.” I informed him, hoping he didn’t notice my voice cracking under the strain.

Just Bella? Well then what could have kept him from bringing her back with hi-

I cut off his thought with an additional explanation. “She said she didn’t want to come back with me. She told me to leave.”

“Oh, shit.” He groaned, leaning back against the couch cushions. “I wasn’t expecting that.”

“Me either,” I said quietly. “But I deserved it after all I’ve done.”

His thoughts were a flurry of several different things at that moment. Most of them revolving on painful memories he had of Bella and I before he finally spoke again.

“If that’s true, you’re the only one whose getting what they deserve in this situation.”

I frowned, not knowing exactly what he meant.

“Jacob doesn’t deserve her. He doesn’t deserve to live at this point, let alone live in her presence. Bella is a good person. She shouldn’t live her life being afraid of what that mutt might do to her next. No matter how much you might have screwed up, Edward, you should be with Bella. Not Jacob.”

I was silent for a moment, mulling over his words carefully.

“There was a bruise on her cheek too.” I added, the memory cutting into my chest like a knife.

“What?” he said disbelievingly. “Why on earth wouldn’t she have left?”

“I don’t know.” I frowned, “I guess he must have been the lesser of two evils..” I said quietly.

“You aren’t evil, Edward. Don’t even think that.”

“No, I am!” I raised my voice a little too much, lifting my agonized glare to meet his eyes. “This… what I am feeling right now… I did this to her. When I left… this is what she must have been going through. On top of this, she lost her Mother and Father because I wasn’t there to protect them, or her. I put her through the exact thing I am feeling now, and if that’s not evil… I don’t know what is.” I couldn’t stop the sob that tore from my lips as I finished the sentence.

I felt a wave of calm envelope me, but I stopped him immediately. “No, please don’t. I need to feel this. I need to… I need to feel something.” The calm sensation disappeared immediately. I appreciated his understanding more than I would ever be able to express at that moment.

The numbness that I had forced upon myself was shattered. I stumbled into the couch, curling my knees into my chest and pressing my hands against my face.

“What have I done?” I gasped through several violent sobs.

As embarrassed as I was to be breaking down in front of Jasper, he certainly didn’t complicate things for me. He sat silently, staring at the golden carpeting as I came to terms with the events of the day. He didn’t try to comfort me or tell me that it was going to be okay, he just sat still and waited for my emotions to run their course.

“She wont tell me that she loves him.” I considered aloud after several moments, my voice barely above a whisper.

“Did you ask her if she did?” Jasper questioned, finally breaking his silence.

“Yes.” I exhaled.

“Did she say anything else?” He frowned, his mind trying to sort through the reasons she would have for lying to me. He obviously didn’t know how terrible a liar Bella was. I would have known if she was bluffing.

“No.. she gave me back my book though.” I murmured, reaching into my coat pocket to find the book that I had forgotten about until now. I held it in my palm for a moment, tracing the familiar cover art with my eyes and running my thumb over the weathered cover quickly before discarding it with a huff of air that resembled a snort. The book skidded across the floor quickly before I heard it bump into the wall. I looked down and continued - “I guess she didn’t want anything that reminded her of me.”

Jasper was silent, but his mind was focused, concentrated on something. I looked up to see his eyebrows pulled into a tight frown, his eyes still staring after the book I had thrown. I followed suit, my eyes freezing over the book lying on the floor.

“What’s that?” I frowned, squinting at the unfamiliar shape emerging from within the books pages. For a moment I had thought that it was just a loose page, but upon further inspection it was clear that it did not belong in the book. The paper was a brighter color than the dingy and dulled color of the books pages. That piece of paper did not belong.

I stared at it for a long moment, not able to bring myself to move. Finally, I shook myself out of my concentration and crossed the room in two long strides to pick it up. The paper smelled like Bella… but there was also a faint hint of salt-smell to it. On the outside of it there were several water stains that suggested that tears had been shed over this piece of paper.

My hand was trembling as I unfolded it. I had suspected that it would be something to the effect of a note, but seeing Bella’s messy handwriting confirmed it. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the bad instead of the good, learning from my earlier mistakes.

“What is it?” Jasper urged from his seat on the couch across the room.

“It’s from Bella.” I replied simply before I began to read.

 Edward,

I’m glad that you found this letter. I was afraid that you wouldn’t and that what I have to say would go unspoken and you would live the rest of eternity without knowing how I really felt; without knowing the truth.

It’s impossible to tell how much time has really passed since the last time you saw me, maybe I’m even dead by now, but I know you remember the words exchanged, and I know that I hurt you. I understand now how hard it was for you to lie to me and tell me that you didn’t want to be with me, because I am facing the same situation, now.

I love you, Edward. I love you more than anything in this world.

You need to know, the day I left your family to go back to Jacob, I had initially planned to stay with him. It was my own foolish pride that had convinced me to go. I say that I had initially planned it because by the time I was a mile away, I had changed my mind. I thought about everything that had happened, and I knew that my only chance at happiness was to be with you.

When I told Jacob that I was leaving him and going back to Alaska to live with you, he didn’t take it well. I’ll spare you the details, but essentially, he wasn’t happy. I do love Jacob, but I was never able to consider him as more than a brother. He knew that, but for some reason found it hard to accept.

When he found out that you were on your way, he got defensive. He’s a very proud person, and he doesn’t take to being out done.

It will be the hardest thing I will ever do to tell you to leave, but I am doing it to save your life. There are far too many in Jacob’s pack for you to take on, Edward, no matter how strong you think you are. Not even your entire family could stand against them. I have had too many people that I love die at my expense, and I will not let your name and the names of your family…. Of my family be added to that list.

He promised me that he would not harm you as long as I convince you to leave without me and not come back. I have no idea how I could possibly make you believe a lie like that, but I have to try, Edward. Please understand.

I am not angry with you. I am not mad at you for leaving me all those years ago. I know now that you made the decision with my best interest in mind.

You also need to know Edward, that what happened after you left was in no way your fault. I know it is in your nature to shoulder the blame for things like that though, so because I know that you need to hear it -

I forgive you, and I love you.

Forever yours,

Bella. 

I stared at the letter in my hands, rereading it several times. Her handwriting was messy, frantic. I could almost hear the pain in her voice as I read the words. A deafening roar filled my ears and I couldn’t make sense of what I was reading suddenly. I could faintly hear Jasper at my side, crouched down and repeating my name in concern. Crouching? Why was Jasper crouching? I realized with a start that I had somehow fallen to my knees throughout the course of reading Bella’s note.

Other voices joined in and the entire family assembled before me, repeating my name to get my attention.

Finally, I allowed myself to blink, erasing the image of the letter in front of me and allowing me to instead focus on the wide and concerned eyes of my family.

“What does it say?” Jasper asked calmly, ignoring the uproar of “What does what say” and “What are you talking about!?” Coming from the rooms new occupants.

“It says…” I started, but being unable to finish, I offered the note up. Alice made it there first and took it quickly from my hands, reading it aloud and at such a fast pace that it would have been impossible for human ears to comprehend a word of it.

After she was through, the entire family entered the same shocked gaze as I had. Emmett was the first to respond.

“That bastard!” He spoke through gritted teeth, a low snarl rumbling in the back of his throat.

“He blackmailed her?” Alice spat angrily. “He threatened her with your life?”

“I’m not surprised.” Rosalie reasoned acidly, “He is a dog.”

“Edward, say something.” Esme prompted, crossing to me and placing her hand on my shoulder.

“She lied,” I finally murmured.

“You can’t fault her for that, Edward. You lied to her too.” Carlisle pointed out.

“No… I’m not mad.” I shook my head, “I’m… amazed. She has never been able to lie to save her life!” I scoffed.

“Edward.” I looked up to find Rosalie staring down at me with shockingly sympathetic eyes. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe she would be able to lie if it was to save your life?”

The magnanimous truth in her words had a strong impact on me. I was speechless.

“What now?” Alice said quietly, her voice barely above a squeak.

I stood, taking the note from Alice’s hand and placing it safely in my pocket.

“I’m going to get her,” I responded decisively.

“Edward, it’s dangerous.” Carlisle warned, “There has to be at least 20 of them from what I’ve gathered.”

“Carlisle, I don’t care how dangerous it is. She is worth it, to me. You can’t expect me just to leave her there! Not after reading that!”

“I don’t expect that at all, Edward. I’m simply trying to let you know that you are not going there alone this time. I’m going to accompany you.”

“Me too.” Emmett added.

“And me.” Alice agreed.

Soon the entire family had voiced their self-invitations, even Rosalie.

“It’s dangerous.” I echoed Carlisle’s words.

I knew that my warning of danger wouldn’t change their minds at all, and I expected them to argue with me. What I didn’t expect was Rosalie’s reaction.

“She’s a part of the family.” She said simply. “An important part of the family.”

No one else seemed to hear her but me. Everyone else had already broken into animated conversations about the task ahead of us, leaving Rosalie and I staring at each other through an uproar of planning.

“Thank you.” I whispered, my eyes narrowing briefly to better direct my comment at her. She nodded once and then joined in talking about how many werewolves each vampire would be assigned.

I ignored their conversations and pulled out Bella’s note one last time. Instead of reading the entire thing again, I let my eyes linger on the last line.

I forgive you, and I love you.

It was incredible how much those seven messy words altered my spirits. I didn’t care how dangerous it was. All I needed to know was that Bella loved me and wanted me, and nothing could deter me from getting to her.

I would walk through hell for Bella without even questioning it, why would I let myself be encumbered by 20 plus werewolves when she was what was to gain.

I forgive you, and I love you