It was times like this when I wished I was capable of losing consciousness.
I couldn’t have even estimated how long I had been kneeling there on the cold, snow covered ground. Time seemed to hold no relevance to me any more. Nothing held any relevance, in fact, without Bella. There could be a universal war taking place, and I wouldn’t notice it. Bella was my moon, my stars, and my sun.
Without her, the rest of the world seemed dark and pointless. Sure, my eyes would eventually get used to the dark, but I still would have to squint in order to even take notice of anything else, let alone appreciate it. I promised myself that this time it would be different… that this time I would not shut out the rest of my family, but I couldn’t justify letting them see me like this. I couldn’t think of any reason to allow them to witness me like this. I was certain that they would know regardless, what with Alice’s gift and Jasper’s gift, but to see me in this state firsthand would be an atrocity on my part. It would only hurt them more.
I would have went home, eventually. It might have taken some time for me to come to terms with the dark world I found myself in again, but I would have managed. I would have went to my room without speaking and taken up the same lifestyle that I had been so used to for the past 2 years. I would have, had it not been for Alice.
Instead of calling me, like she promised, she instead came looking for me. Her insight into the future and her keen senses lead her directly to me, but my unawareness and nonchalance towards my surroundings didn’t alert me to her presence until she was crouched beside me, her small hand resting cautiously on my shoulder.
“Is she gone?” I spoke through gritted teeth with a heavy effort to control the wavering of my voice.
She hesitated for a moment, but her thoughts told me all I needed to know long before she finally murmured - “Yes.”
“Call me sometime, Bella.” Alice’s voice was weak and fragile as she hugged Bella tightly against her.
Esme was in the corner, obviously holding back sobs as she watched Bella circle the rest of the family issuing her thanks and farewell. Bella’s eyes were puffy and her nose and cheeks were flushed. Alice followed her to the door and watched as a tall Native American boy helped her into a jeep. The scent in the air immediately identified him as a werewolf. A part of the pack that Bella’s fiancé belonged to, likely. She didn’t look back. She didn’t wave goodbye. She didn’t speak another word. Her breathing was ragged and uneven as if she was holding back sobs as she entered the vehicle, closing the door quickly behind her.
And then she was gone.
As the jeep pulled out of sight, Alice’s attempt at a vision was met with a solid brick wall of uncertainty. Bella’s future was once again a mystery.
“Edward, come home.” Alice’s voice was more pleading than anything else.
“She’s gone.” I repeated out loud, as if somehow that would answer Alice’s request.
“Edward… I…” she started, kneeling next to me on the ground. “I don’t know what to do to make this easier for you.”
“She’s gone.” I whispered again, every emotion that I had been battling for the past who knows how long coming to surface. I fought against the pain and anguish that built up inside me. The last thing I wanted was for Alice to see me struggle like this.
“Oh, Edward, you idiot.” She accused, her high pitched voice cracking with her own emotions. “Quit trying to be such a tough guy and just let it out already.”
It amazed me how well Alice knew me. For a seemingly apathetic creature, she never ceased to surprise me with her attentiveness and support. It was clearly my fault that Bella had left, but instead of blaming me and being mad at me like Rosalie was and like she should have been, she was out here… ruining her designer jeans in the snow covered mud to help and support me.
“She’s gone.” I said one last time before I felt the barrier I had placed around my emotions crumble under Alice’s influence. The final verbal assessment of the situation had been my breaking point. I practically choked on the words as I said them, burying my face in my hands as I did. “Oh my God…” I mumbled in a cracked and broken tone as if God would ever spare a moments thought on a creature like me.
“Oh, Edward,” she sighed sympathetically, pulling her legs out from underneath her so that she was sitting cross legged with her arms around me.
She didn’t try to tell me that it wasn’t my fault. She didn’t try to convince me that it would all be okay… her just kept her tiny arms in place and let me fall apart safely in her embrace.
The evening wore on until eventually twilight found us in the same place. She was still sitting cross legged, but now the snow completely soaked through her jeans despite the lack of heat that we emanated. I hadn’t remembered moving, but somehow my head was cradled in her lap and she was stroking the frozen strands of my hair with trembling fingers that had nothing to do with the temperature. We had both done our fair share of sobbing, but not a word was spoken between us.
No one came to look for us. Alice had requested that they didn’t before she had even left.
“Thank you, Alice.” I whispered. My quiet words abruptly shattering the silence.
I heard he exhale sharply and felt her lean her cheek against my head and murmur, “For what, Edward? You’re my brother and I love you.” Her arms snaked around my shoulders then and gave me a gentle hug-like squeeze.
I sat still for another moment before finally righting myself.
“Its late, we should probably get back home.”
“It’s up to you. Whenever you’re ready.”
“Ready to face Rosalie? I will never be ready for that.”
She grimaced. “Touché.”
We both stood at the same time. Alice turned to brush off the back of her pants.
“Sorry about your jeans,” I commented, noticing the irreparable mud stain on the back.
“It’s fine,” she sighed. “It's just clothes.”
I fought to keep my jaw from dropping. For Alice to risk ruining any form of designer clothing was amazing enough, but for her to use the phrase “its just clothes” had me completely stunned.
We took off through the woods at a less than normal pace. It was more of a quick walk than anything. Neither of us were in any rush, and running full out in order to arrive at the last place I wanted to be seemed slightly pointless.
I heard the noise inside the house quiet noticeably as we approached. We entered through the back door to find a relatively calm household. Esme was folding laundry in the laundry room. Emmett and Jasper were situated in front of the television set with game controllers in hand. Rosalie wasn’t visible, but I had a strong feeling that she was biding her time up in her room. Carlisle had apparently returned to work.
Alice gave my shoulder one last squeeze before darting up the stairs to change her clothing. I hesitated in the hallway, wanting desperately to run to my room and take up my brooding again, but I resisted. I was about to join my brothers on the couch when a scent hit me. I looked at the half open door on my left and contemplated entering it. Bella’s scent still lingered in the air so tormenting, and I knew that inside the room it would be almost unbearable.
Maybe it was a deeper instinct that I was unaware of that sent me into the room. Maybe it was a masochistic desire to punish myself. At any rate, I regretted it as soon as I had done it.
I slipped silently into the room, shutting the door with a careful click behind me. Both Jasper and Emmett acknowledged my action in their minds, but much to my appreciation, neither of them dwelled on it or mentioned it out loud.
I stood facing the room for a long moment. It didn’t surprise me that the bed was perfectly made and everything was in its place. Bella had done her part to keep the room clean before she left. Save for her scent, it was almost like she had never even stayed in here at all.
It will be as if I never existed.
How stupid I had been to leave her then. True, I had hidden the gifts and other memorabilia that I had taken from her under the floorboards in hope that she would find them one day. Those were long since gone, now. Burned up in the same fire that took Charlie’s life.
Another heavy wave of blame blanketed me as I thought of Charlie.
Would I later regret letting Bella leave today just as I had regretted leaving her? No. I had to let her go. I had made my decision to leave her once, and it would have been hypocritical of me to deny her that right now. She had done what I asked her to. She had moved on and found someone else. Someone who she apparently thought was better. I couldn’t ask her to give that up, especially since I was the one who forced her into it in the first place.
I couldn’t have done anything differently.
The important thing was that knew that I loved her. And she loved me back.
I crossed to the closet then, letting my hand linger on the handle, knowing that she must have touched it at least 100 times during her stay. I shook my head, internally cursing myself for being so pathetic. I opened the closet to the 50 or so still remaining garment bags. We hadn’t expected her to actually leave with any of the clothes Alice had bought for her. It would have taken a small moving truck to get this stuff out of here anyways. I took a couple of steps into the closet, letting my fingers run over the cool plastic of the bags absently as I considered the inconveniences of love.
Without a doubt, loving Bella was the single most amazing and painful experience of my life. If I had known when I first met her how things would have turned out… would I have done it any differently?
No. I would have done it all the exact same, because… although now it felt like all reason for life had abandoned me… the time I did spend with Bella, however ephemeral, proved to me that happiness was not an impossibility. I had experienced one of the greatest joys of humanity. I had given and received love.
Regardless of how it ended, the emotions that I felt around Bella made me feel more human than anything had ever made me feel. My constant craving for blood, no matter how heightened it might have been around her, almost paled in comparison to the other desires and emotions I held for her. Loving Bella was the only human emotion that could have ever even come close to comparing with my blood lust, and I wouldn’t have traded that for the world.
I left the closet, intending on leaving the room then, but stopped short when I saw the bed. As unnecessary and embarrassing as it was, I found myself battling a terrible urge to bury my face in the pillows and breathe in her scent. I would have felt like a complete stalker and probably a very desperate teen age boy, but I felt the urge all the same. Had I not spotted the metal corner of an unidentifiable object protruding from beneath the bed at that moment, I would have probably acted on my ludicrous desire. As it happened, though, I did see the object, so instead of furthering my own misery by burying myself in Bella’s scent, I crossed to the bed and pulled the object out from beneath it.
It was a picture album, that much was obvious. I recognized it immediately as the only thing that had been found with Bella on the side of the road. As far as I had been informed, it was a few yards away from her, but as it had been an identifying factor at that time, it had been brought to the hospital with her. I hesitated for a moment before opening it, contemplating on whether it could be considered invasion of privacy or not.
A painful brick lodged itself into my stomach as I flipped open to the first page. Charlie and Renee’s wedding picture was tucked safely between the clear protective pages. I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly realizing that this photo album was going to do me much more harm than drowning myself in her scent would have.
As stupid as I knew it was, I couldn’t resist continuing. I flipped through several more pages of Charlie and Renee. Phil made an occasional appearance, and so did a numerous amount of Charlie’s friends, until I came across a new page with two small newspaper clippings.
Tragic Fire Claims Life of Forks Police Chief,
I decided not to read what the public was told about the accidents. I knew the truth about them, and the guilt of that alone was enough to overrule anything I could read.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I continued. The next page caught me completely off guard. An ultra sonogram depicting what was unmistakably a nearly fully developed fetus was shaded in green. I stared, gaping at it for several moments before noticing the nondescript indents as if someone had written on the other side of it.
Careful not to tear or damage it, I quickly slipped the picture out of the protective pages and flipped it over.
Isabella,
7 months along, can you believe it? We decided to name her Callie Elizabeth. I can’t wait to see you in two weeks at your graduation. I miss you terribly.
Love, Always,
Mom.
The lump in my throat widened substantially as yet another unknown truth sank in.
Renee had been pregnant.
I slipped the picture back into place, trying desperately to steady my breathing and calm myself. I tossed the album gently onto the bed and began pacing.
Not only was it my fault that Charlie, Renee, and Phil had died and Bella’s home had been burnt down, but now I was also burdened with the fact that an unborn child, Bella’s half sister, more specifically, had also been killed. Because of my pitiful attempt at protecting Bella… 4 lives of great value to her were lost.
I turned once again to leave the room, stopping short once more when I caught one last glance at the open album. It had flipped to the last page when I had tossed it onto the bed, and now I stood, glaring at the last picture. The self hate and confusion tore through me like a knife as I saw my own Forks yearbook picture occupying the visible page.
Why on earth would my picture accompany the pictures of her parents.
I took another step closer to the book with the intention of slamming it shut on my own face when I saw that there was in fact one page following that one. I flipped to the very last page to find 8 small words written in Bella’s penmanship.
In memory of those I loved and lost.
and Unexplained Car Accident Results in Drowning