Deprecated: Function eregi() is deprecated in /home/twilight/public_html/header.php on line 45

Deprecated: Function eregi() is deprecated in /home/twilight/public_html/header.php on line 45

Deprecated: Function eregi() is deprecated in /home/twilight/public_html/header.php on line 46

Deprecated: Function eregi() is deprecated in /home/twilight/public_html/header.php on line 46

Deprecated: Function eregi() is deprecated in /home/twilight/public_html/header.php on line 47

Deprecated: Function eregi() is deprecated in /home/twilight/public_html/header.php on line 47

Deprecated: Function eregi() is deprecated in /home/twilight/public_html/header.php on line 48

Deprecated: Function eregi() is deprecated in /home/twilight/public_html/header.php on line 48

Deprecated: Function eregi() is deprecated in /home/twilight/public_html/header.php on line 49

Deprecated: Function eregi() is deprecated in /home/twilight/public_html/header.php on line 201
Bella questioning herself for once (one shot) by janaleigh






Your donations help keep this site running,
thank you very much for the support!
[Reviews - 7]
Table of Contents
- Text Size +
Story Notes:

The original characters/plot/setting are owned by Stephenie Meyer.

Validation Beta: nowforruin

Author's Chapter Notes:

All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the intellectual property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.


 

Based on Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

Takes place instead of Ch 27 'Needs', the night after the fight, after Bella talks to Jacob, but before talking to Alice the next day…

 

Bella Questioning Herself For Once

 

                I didn’t need Edward or Carlisle to turn me into a monster.  I was already enough of one on my own.

                A monster…

                I still disagreed with that terminology, or course, even if they were vampires.  They were GOOD, after all.  No one knew that better than me.

                But I deserved it, even as a mere human.  I was worse than the vampires.  What I was doing to Jacob made me a monster.

                Jacob…

                I was sobbing alone in my room, the tears coming out of my eyes faster than I could wipe them away.  I didn’t want Edward to see me like this, see the indecision in my face.  I had sent him home, just for a couple of hours, while I attempted to get a hold of myself.  I rocked myself back and forth in my rocking chair in the corner.  The same chair Edward had sat in watching me sleep all those nights ago.

                Edward…            

                The rocking wasn’t helping.  The sound of my jerky sobs made the pain more real, more tangible.  I loved Edward…of course I did.  But was I doing the right thing?  I owed it to Jacob to give him and me a chance. 

Could I stand to be apart from Edward while I gave us that chance?

I sobbed harder at the thought.

When Edward came back through my window, I’d ask him to give me one month.  Just a month.

I took a deep breath, wiped at my face with my palms, and rose from the rocking chair to look out the window.  It was raining now, slow and dreary, the raindrops sliding down the glass like the tears rolling down my cheeks. 

I couldn’t win.  I would hurt Edward now, and hurt him again later if I decided to stay with Jacob.  I would hurt Jacob if I decided to go back to Edward.  I loved them both.  I had hurt them both.  I couldn’t bear to hurt either of them anymore than I already had.

After all, I was already a monster.  I would become worse than that. 

My tears had stopped now, as the realization of what I had to do began to swell inside me.

I would leave them both.

This would hurt them too.

But I couldn’t figure out what I wanted as long as I was in either of their company.

I sighed out loud, frustrated.

I would ask Edward to give me a month.  Not to be with Jacob, but to be on my own.  So I could figure this out without hurting them more with my slow, human-pace deliberations.

I could go home to Renee.  Even if she was out of town with Phil I could stay at their house.  A change of scenery would help.  I tried hard to convince myself of this.

My cell phone from Edward vibrated in my pocket.

I reluctantly reached for it, moving my gaze from the window and the falling rain to the caller ID.

Alice.  Of course.

I flipped the phone open and held it to my ear, waiting.

“I miss you already,” she said glumly.

“I know, Alice.  I don’t know what else to do,” I whispered.  I sighed and tugged at a piece of my hair.

“Everything will work out,” she said after a moment.  “I can see that much.  And your future doesn’t disappear either, which is a good sign.”  She sounded encouraged now.  “Oh, and Edward saw.  He’s already on his way.”

I turned panicky in an instant.  I wasn’t ready to face him yet.

“Alice…” I started, choking.  “You know that whatever happens now, you’ll always be my sister, right?  To me, I mean.  Please don’t hate me…”

“I know Bella.  Take whatever time you need and I’ll see you when you get back…unless you want me to drive you to Phoenix?” she asked hopefully.

“No…thanks, but I need to go alone I think.”  I sighed again, knowing it would be harder in the long run if she came with me.

I managed to tell her I loved her before heavy sobs erupted from my throat.

“I love you too Bella.  Hurry back.”

I closed the phone and slumped onto my bed, too tired to hold myself upright.  After a moment I forced myself to take a deep breath, and braced myself for what was coming.

 

Choices

                I jumped, startled, as Edward suddenly appeared in my room, faster than a flash.

                He was soaking wet from the rain and trembling as if from the cool night, though I knew better.  I was afraid to look at him, to see the expression in his eyes; to see how bad I had already hurt him.

                “Bella?”

                The way he said my name reminded me of the way he had called out to me after stopping James from killing me.

                Upset.  Frantic.

                I cringed.  Try as I may, I couldn’t keep the tears from streaming down my face.  It took me several tries before I was able to speak.  Then it was only in a whisper.

                “Can we get out of here?  I don’t want to…Charlie in the other room…”  I trailed off and forced myself to take a slow deep breath.  “I don’t think I can have this conversation quietly,” I managed to get out.

                I looked into his eyes now.  They were wide with hurt, fear, determination – too many emotions to name.

                He simply nodded.  I got up from the bed slowly and grabbed my jacket from the floor.  He took it and helped me into it. 

                A gentleman even in this dark hour.

                He took me in his arms and sprang back through the window.

                The rain had let up some, but not enough for us to stay outdoors.  I didn’t know where to go.

                “Let’s take your truck,” he suggested quietly.

                I nodded this time.  “I’ll drive.”

                He cradled me in his arms for a short second before setting me slowly on my feet.

                I drove aimlessly, slowly.  Edward never took his eyes off me, but said nothing.  It was an awkward silence.  Nothing had been awkward with Edward before. 

A violent shiver ripped through me.  Edward reached over automatically to turn the heat up.  His hands were shaking slightly.  It was surely taking all he had to pretend he was calm.  Only his hands, now securely locked again under his arms, had given him away. 

I had somehow driven us to the high school’s parking lot.  I guessed his would be as good as any other place.  I smiled at the irony.  The place we first met would be the place we would part.

“Please tell me what you are thinking,” he whispered.”  “I cannot possibly imagine what you could find to smile about in this moment.”

I had already parked the car and I turned now to face him.  I reached blindly for his hand, unable to see with fresh tears lining my eyes.

“I was remembering the first day I saw you.”  I laughed weakly, but it sounded more like a cough.  “I think I loved you that very first moment.”

“Ah,” he sighed.  He gathered both of my hands in his and held them tightly.  He squeezed his eyes shut before he spoke next.

“The day you miraculously walked into my existence and altered me forever.”

“Me too,” I reminded him.

His eyes remained closed and I knew he was waiting for me to say my piece.

“Edward.” I frowed.  “I have to leave…”

His eyes squeezed together more tightly.

“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, what I want. “  I paused, and then let the words spill out.  “When you…left, you broke my heart.  You thought you were doing the right thing for me by leaving, I understand that.  But you still left me…and…I somehow fell in love…with…Jacob when you were gone.  I had no idea.  I didn’t mean to.  I didn’t even know until this damn morning that I loved him at all in that way.”

A wave of bitterness rolled through me.  Edward sat perfectly still, motionless.

“I didn’t know I was even capable of loving again after you!  My life ended when you left!  And now…”  A sob escaped from my chest.  I waited moment before trying to speak again.  “Now…I love Jacob too.  And I don’t know what to do.  I’m killing him right now.”

I imagined Jacob writhing in pain this very instant in his bed.

“And …I know I’m hurting you too.  And that’s killing ME.”  I was getting hysterical now.  “How could you do this Edward?!  How could you do this to me?  How could you lie to me – leave me – not stop to bother yourself with what I wanted?  Now look what’s happened!  I wanted to be with you forever…and now it’s not that simple anymore!”

Through my falling tears I could see the pain rippling across his face, jerking his body as if Jane herself were here.

I was as bad as Jane…

I couldn’t control myself any longer.  Pain and anguish overcame me completely.  I started to sob.  My body thrashed backward against the seat of the truck and I ripped my hands out of Edward’s grasp.  I pounded the steering wheel with my hands in frustration and anger.  I felt the pain pulsing through my fingers with each punch but didn’t care.

For all practical purposes I was alone again.  I could see Edward in my periphery.  He said nothing and made no move to comfort me, perhaps knowing that that would have further enraged me.  He simply stared at me with eyes opened wide.

I felt Edward and Jacob’s pain mixed together with mine, saw both of their faces behind my eyelids.  It was too much. 

I didn’t stop until I was too exhausted to continue.  I wiped my face with my shirt sleeves and concentrated on breathing normally.  I was losing my mind.  I tried focusing on a tree – anything that I knew was real and secure.

“Sorry about that,” I whispered.

I turned to look at him again, still a statue, unmoving, eyes closed again, like he was having an out of body experience.

Huh.  Maybe he was.  He carefully took my hands back in his.

I continued.  “I don’t mean to blame you – you know I had forgiven you for leaving.  But apparently there are consequences I wasn’t aware of that we both have to face now.  And it’s not fair.  I didn’t want this.  I didn’t want you to leave me, not that that mattered to you,” I added sourly.

The bitterness was coming back.  That was good.  Anger was better than the vulnerability of pain.  This was his fault!  He did this to me!  To us.  To Jacob. 

Jacob…I missed him.  Part of me ached to go see him again tonight, right this minute.  I closed my eyes, concentrating on the flow of air in and out of my lungs. 

“Edward, maybe you were right…maybe it is too late.  If you needed saving in Italy again I would do it in a heartbeat….but maybe it’s too late for us.  Ugh, I hate this.  I hate it so much…”

I opened my eyes warily to look at the statue holding my hands.  I wished he’d say something.  Anything.

“Please try to understand.  It’s not fair to you, me not knowing what I want.  I don’t know what other choice I have, other than leaving.  Please, Edward.  I will still always love you…no matter what happens after tonight.  For as long as I live.”  I waited.  Edward still did not move.  “Please say something!” I cried in frustration.

My Edward-statue slowly came back to life.  He opened his eyes to look at me and I gasped.  I had never seen pain like that in someone's eyes before – I didn’t know it was possible.

I was killing him.  I stared at him, horrified.  He opened his mouth to speak and closed it again, changing his mind.

The silence continued.  He tried to speak several more times to no avail. 

“Oh,” he finally said.

To keep from screaming I focused on the pitter patter of the rain ricocheting off my truck. 

“I…I think I understand now how you felt the night I left you.  It hurt me too, of course, but in a different way.  I guess because it had been my choice.  I had prepared myself.  I didn’t…see it this way before."

I stared at him, shocked.

“Bella, I was wrong to leave you before – so wrong – I know that.” 

He looked so sad.  I wanted to comfort him, but I held myself in place. 

“I’ll make it up to you.  I’ll do anything you want.”  His words came faster now, urgently.  “I’ll beg forever.  Bella, don’t leave.  Please.  I’ll do anything.  BE anything.  Don’t leave me – please don’t leave me.  I can fix this Bella, I can…I’ll find a way.”  His eyes burned into mine so intensely I had to look away.  “I know we can still be what we were before.  I love you more than I can tell you…more than I can even show you.  Surely that wouldn’t be, if we weren’t meant to be together.  We ARE meant to be together.”

He waited for me to look at him again and lifted my hands to his face, kissing my fingers.

“Please…” His voice shook with emotion, his body trembled lightly. “Don’t give up on us.”

“Things are different now…”

He shook his head.  “No.  I don’t believe that.” 

“Are you disregarding my opinion again?” I demanded.  His eyebrows raised in shock.

“No, I-“

I cut him off.  “Listen to me!  You don’t have to agree, but that doesn’t change how I feel right now!”

“I know that Bella, but…” A strange, determined look came over his face.  “Bella, you told me this morning in the tent to FIGHT for you.  And I will.  Harder than I would fight for my own life.  I made you a promise that I’d never leave you and I intend to keep that promise.”  He squeezed my hands.  “If you want to leave, then leave, but I’m coming with you.  And if you don’t want to see me, I’ll wait outside your door, every night, until you do.  I’ll wait forever.  I will prove to you that you are wrong-”

I glared icily at him.  “Be careful,” I warned.

“I’ll prove that we are meant to be together,” he modified.  “No matter how long that takes.  I WILL win you back Bella.”

“And what if I don’t want you to come with me, or wait outside my door?” I challenged.  “Don’t I have a say in this?  This is MY life…that as far as I’M concerned right now you RUINED.”

He nodded sadly.  “Yes, I agree you would be a lot better off if you had never met me.”

Ugh.  I hated when he talked like that.  I was getting angrier now, the anger suddenly replacing all the remaining fear and pain of losing Edward I had left in me. 

“I’m so sick of that attitude I could puke!”  I yelled at him.  “I’ll call you if I change my mind.  Don’t trouble yourself waiting around.  Go find someone else,” I spit at him. 

His eyes burned liquid fire.  “No Bella!  I never could!  I’d never love someone else, never!” he growled.

“It doesn’t sound to me like you ever tried.  Look, whatever.  Do whatever you want.  If you want to be a grumpy old man forever then be that way.  Just stay away from me.”  I ripped my hands out of his once again.

“I can’t do that,” he whispered.

“Well, find a way.”

“It’s impossible.”

“Nothing is impossible for YOU.”

“Except for this.  Even before, when I had myself convinced enough for us both – I could hardly stay away from you then.”

“Edward, I’m not asking you.  I’m TELLING you.  Stay.  Away.  From.  Me.”

“I can’t,” he whispered again.

“Fine!” I snapped.  “I know some werewolves that will MAKE you stay away from me.  Get out of my truck.”

What was I saying?  What happened to going to Renee’s?

I angrily turned the key in the ignition and the truck roared to life.

His eyes were wide with disbelief.  “You are really doing this?”

“What, you didn’t think I was serious?”  I snickered.  “Figures.  Maybe I was all wrong about you before.  Maybe I AM better off with Jacob.”

That was a low blow, but I had to get his attention.

The pain I knew I was causing him was unimaginable, but I continued, blinded by my anger.  “If you don’t get out of the car now and run along home, then you will be riding with me to Jacob’s…and I’m pretty sure you won’t want to be there with the two of us, not to mention the rest of the pack when you break the treaty by showing up uninvited.”

I waited.

“So which is it?”  I moved to put the truck in reverse. 

That determined look was back on his face.  “I’ll get out if that’s what you want-“

“It is!”

“-But that won’t mean I’m giving up on you.  On US.”  He said ‘us’ with such passion it took my breath away, and for a brief second, my anger too. 

“I will fight for you, Bella.  Don’t forget that.”  He reached over to kiss me and hugged me tightly before reluctantly letting go.  With a sigh he opened the passenger door and stepped out into the night, disappearing instantly.

I was so suddenly alone that it shocked me.  Panic seized my heart.  I didn’t think he’d leave so soon, so willingly.  I felt betrayed in a strange way. 

Maybe this was how he had felt when he had left me before.  When I immediately believed him when he told me he didn’t want me anymore.

I was so stupid for getting angry.  What had I DONE?

I tried to remember my earlier anger – that he had made this happen to me and that helped.  I threw the truck into gear and sped through the parking lot, headed towards Jacob’s house – the only place he couldn’t follow.  The safest place.  The only place in the world I wanted to be.  How dare Edward say he wouldn’t stay away from me, knowing that that was what I wanted!

I called Charlie to let him know that I was going back to Jacob’s.  He wasn’t happy, but he conceded, afraid of the emotion he heard in my voice.

Several times in my rearview mirror I thought I saw a streak of white moving behind me.  Surely it was just my crazed mind playing tricks on me. 

I pushed my truck faster until I crossed the treaty line.  I was so caught up in my angry thoughts that I was almost to Jacob’s before I remembered my former resolve to leave them both.  What was I doing?  Going back to hurt Jacob some more?

I parked in front of Billy’s house and nearly ran to the front door.  Billy opened it for me without saying a word.  I flew past him and down the hall to Jacob’s room.

Jacob…

I was smiling in anticipation of seeing him.  I needed him so much.  I opened his door and ran to his side, not stopping to look at him.  I climbed into the spot I had left hours ago, the place where I had told him goodbye, and pressed my lips eagerly to his.  Then I kissed every inch of his face and down the side of his neck while keeping my hands tangled in his hair. 

I pulled back to look at him and saw his red, puffy eyes staring bewilderingly at me. 

A shocked smile started to line his face.  I stroked his cheek and then moved to press my face into his strong chest.

“My Jacob.” I sighed with emotion.

I was crying again now.  “I love you.  I really, really love you.”

I sat back up so I could touch his face again.  “So much it hurts.”  I could only whisper.  I tried to smile.

Finally he began to recover.  “I…don’t understand Bella…”  He looked torn, hesitant.

“But I don’t care!  You came back!  Oh Bella, Bella honey…”

He was kissing me now, hard and passionately on the lips.

“You came back!  You are really here…” he cried.

“My Jacob,” I said again, holding him tightly.

 

If Billy had a problem with me staying over he never said anything.  I stayed curled up beside Jacob in his small bed, my head resting against his hot chest.  His hands rubbed my back and played with my hair, his lips never leaving some part of me.  I held onto him frantically, still trying to regain control over my emotions. 

I was exhausted.  It had been such a long day.  As I lay there I tried to remember all the events of this longest of long days, burning literally from Jacob’s touch.  It had been so cold in the tent this morning.  That seemed like an eternity ago.  I replayed Edward and Jacob’s exchange there…how close it had come to a fight.  Then Jacob’s kiss.  My realization that I loved him.  My guilt.  The fight.  Victoria finding us.  Seth getting hurt.  The possibility of Edward getting hurt.  All because of me…

It was too much.  Incomprehensible.

The world had seemed to stop when I found out Jacob was injured…it was the reason he couldn’t get out of bed now.  All my fault. 

The Volturi were actually here…in Forks…the newborn…all the bloodshed…the smoke…

Too much.

I sighed a quivery sigh through my silent tears.  How was I still able to cry?

And to top it off, out of everything that had happened in this one, single day, the worst was not till the end.  I had said goodbye to Jacob.  Then to Edward.  And now I was somehow, inconceivably here with Jacob again.

I must be dreaming.  This had to be one of my vivid dreams.  It was impossible that I could ever say goodbye to Edward in real life.  I didn’t think it was possible in the altered reality of a dream either. 

My breathing had quickened.  I was losing it again.

“Shhh, Bella honey.  Don’t cry.”  Jacob was slowly running his hand down my hair, trying to comfort me.  “Everything is going to be okay now.  I’ve never…”  His voice broke.  “You have made me so happy.”

I tilted my head up to look at him through the darkness.  A faint light from outside the window reflected off of the tears that were now gently rolling down his cheeks. 

How was it possible that I was so joyously happy and sickened at the same time? 

I wanted to tell him I was happy too, but it would have been a lie.  I grew more unsettled with every passing minute.

I finally dozed off to Jacob repeating over and over quietly that he loved me.

In my dreams I only saw Edward’s face.  It was twisted in pain and looked somehow as if he had been crying too, even though it was an impossibility.

My eyes flew open, shocked and terrified at the image, before succumbed to sleep again.  This pattern repeated itself throughout the night. 

Jacob had fallen asleep with his arms around me and had never moved.  I never even heard him snore.  When I woke up for good several hours later he was squeezing me tightly, already awake.

“Hey,” I mumbled groggily.  I stretched carefully so I didn’t jostle him, and then shifted so I could see his face.

“I love you,” he replied.  His eyes were full of the same wonder and elation that I saw after our kiss on the mountain.

I cleared my throat and ran my fingers through my hair, unsure how to begin.  Surely I looked like I had been hit by a truck.  That wasn’t far from the truth. 

His eyes tightened as he read my face.

“Jake…I-”

“Please don’t say anything yet Bella.  Let’s just have this day.  Just this one day together.  Then if you have to go back to your vampire…then…that’s what you have to do.”  His eyes clouded as he pleaded with me.  “Please, Bella.  For me.”  He kissed me gently on the lips.

“It’s not that Jake.”  His body tensed next to me.  “I think I-“

He cut me off again, swiftly covering my mouth with his huge hand.  His eyes were frantic as they moved back and forth between mine.  “Just us today, okay?  Please…I’m begging.”

I hesitated as I studied him.  His eyes now looked so worn and defeated, much like the way mine felt.  How could I say no when I was only about to hurt him anyway?  I shook my head slowly.  I had to stop this insanity.

“Jake…I’m so, so sorry.”  My lips quivered.  “I needed to be with you last night, but I shouldn’t have come…”  I moved slowly to a sitting position so I could face him more easily. 

Jacob opened his mouth to say something, but my hand covered his mouth this time. 

“No, let me say this.  It’s important.”  I started to move my hand from his mouth but he grabbed it in his and held it to his face.

I closed my eyes wanting to stay in the moment for a minute longer.  I slowly stroked his cheek with my thumb.  I sighed before continuing. 

“I had decided last night to leave Forks so I wouldn’t hurt you or Edward anymore.  I love you both and didn’t know what to do about that…”

I broke off when I felt his hand that was holding mine start to shake.  He let go of my hand and grabbed my face between both his hands.  My eyes flew open, shocked at his abruptness.

“No Bella!  You can’t leave!”

“Jake!  Don’t be angry!”  I cried.  “I just want to explain!”

He shook his head angrily.  “I’ll just come with you,” he threatened.

Great.  So who would keep Jacob away from me?  Edward?  Maybe they’d be too busy fighting outside my door to pay me much attention.  But one of them would get hurt and it would be my fault.  It was always my fault. 

I placed my hands on both of his.  “You can’t,” I whispered.

 

I looked hard at him for a long moment.  He looked…whiplashed, his dark eyes wide and searching mine, his jaw tense, lips slightly parted like he wanted to speak, but thought better of it.  I owed it to him, didn’t I?  Just one day?

I thought of Edward then, and how he must be in agony right now.  My eyes closed in shame.  I couldn’t betray myself, or Jacob, or Edward, any longer.  It was Edward I wanted to be with, after all.  I had known all along.  It had always been Edward.  I had no choice.  Not a chance.

“Bella?”  Jacob sounded scared.

Leave it to me to make things worse than they were yesterday.  I had let my pride get in the way and now I had to begin repairing the damage.

“Jake, I made a big mistake.  Probably the biggest I’ve ever made, which is saying a lot.”  I looked into his eyes fearfully, pleading with him.  “I can’t be with you.  I’m so sorry.  For a few, wonderful hours last night I thought maybe I could.  I hope you can forgive me, because I want you in my life and I don’t think I can leave Forks…”

I sniffed and looked down at my lap.

“What the hell was that last night then?”  he demanded.  He took in a few deep breaths. 

“Jake, I meant everything I said.  Every word.”  Shame blazed in my cheeks under his hands.  “I needed you last night.  I will always need you.  But I need him too.  And I can’t have you both…so I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have come.  I don’t know what came over me.”

My face burned with chagrin.  His hands moved to wipe away my new tears. 

“I’ll understand if you can’t forgive me.  I swear I won’t hold it against you.  You have every right to hate me forever.”

He sighed.  “I could never hate you, even if I wanted to.”  He sighed again and moved to cross his arms across his chest.  “I was afraid of this, you know, but I’m not surprised.  I knew last night was too good to be true.”  His lips turned up in a tight smile.  “But if you do leave, I’d still want to come with you.”

“No Jake, you can’t disrupt your life anymore because of me.”

His tone was patient.  “Bella, without you my life would be more than disrupted.”

I shook my head defiantly.  “Please forgive me, “ I whispered.  “I’m terrified of losing you too.”

“Too?” Jacob asked, raising his eyebrows.

“I was terrible to Edward last night before I came here. “  I hung my head.  “He might not forgive me either.  It would serve me right to lose you both.”  I sniffed again and swiped my hand across my wet cheeks.

When I looked up Jacob was smirking.  Hate and anger were back in his eyes.

“Yeah right,” he finally said.  “What are you going to do?”

“Go beg Edward to forgive me, and then maybe crawl in a ditch somewhere.”  I tried to fake a smile.

“I can let you leave, but I can’t let you do that.”

I looked back down at my lap.  “I don’t deserve how nice you are being about this.  You really should hate me.” 

Jacob shrugged again.  “What choice do I have?  Maybe you don’t have a choice Bella, like Sam and Emily, but then neither do I, really.  I don’t want to hurt you further.  And I’m not going to just not love you anymore.”  His hand moved to caress my face.  He leaned down slowly to kiss my lips, then my forehead.  “Besides,” he said lightly, straightening back up, “Just because my life might be over, doesn’t mean yours has to be.”

Remorse washed over me.  I couldn’t look at him.  I didn’t want him to see the turmoil boiling behind my eyes.

“You deserve better than me Jacob.  I’m a monster.”

“No you’re not.  Not YET, at least.”

“You might not have to worry about that anymore.  Edward probably doesn’t want me after the way I treated him,” I said dryly.  We glared at each other for a minute, but I couldn’t stand to be upset with him for long. 

“Why is it so hard for me to leave?”  I leaned in to hug him tightly now.  Both his arms were around me in a second.

“I know why…”  I could hear the smile in his voice.

“Please, please forgive me Jacob.”  A sob of relief whooshed out of my chest when I felt him nod. 

I finally tore myself away from him and made my way back out of his house, not stopping to speak to Billy.  The goodbye for the second time in two days had not been any easier.  I felt sick.  I was definitely a monster. 

I got in my truck and drove away, wondering how best to go about my next task.  I had a hard time concentrating over my grief of hurting Jacob.  Again.  Because I loved him.  And I had left him for good this time. 

I had told him before I left that I would always love him, no matter what.  I felt that promise now with every fiber of my being.

La Push was like a parallel universe – time didn’t pass the same there, I wasn’t the same there.  As the miles began to pass I started to feel marginally better.  The distance was helping somehow. 

I accelerated, anxious to see Edward.  My nerves were frayed; how would I find him?  My plan was to drive straight to his house and then go from there. 

I felt nauseated.

I rounded the next corner and slammed on the breaks reflexively.

Edward was there, standing by the side of the road.

I must have already passed the treaty line.

He had been pacing back and forth, worry and indecisiveness lining his face.  He straightened up when it registered that I was there, watching him.  I pulled over to the shoulder of the road and stepped out of my truck.  He stayed where he was, reading my face, unsure of what I wanted.

I ran to him and threw my arms around him.

“Edward,” I cried.  “I’m so sorry!  Please forgive me, please!”  I sobbed.  Surely I had cried enough these past two days to last a lifetime.

He wrapped his arms around me, his body sagging against me. 

“Oh Bella, I was so worried.  Losing you…gets more difficult each time.”  He laughed with relief and bent down to kiss me.

“You’re not mad?”  I asked incredulously.

“No, love.”  He smiled at me and brushed my tears away with his cool hand.  “I want you to be happy no matter what you choose.”

I shook my head.  “There’s no choice – of course I choose you.  I’m sorry about last night. I…I wasn’t thinking straight.”  That was the best explanation I had.  I had nothing else to offer him regarding my hideous behavior. 

He smiled at me, with impossible understanding in his troubled eyes.  “I myself wouldn’t have made it through yesterday as a human.  I wouldn’t have been strong enough.”  His eyes stared into mine, awed.

I rolled my eyes at him.  “I need sleep and a shower.  Will you come with me?”

He nodded slowly, studying my face.  He pressed his lips against mine urgently before hugging me close again.  “Thank you,” he whispered fervently into my hair.  When he pulled away, his gleaming eyes began to darken suddenly.

                I was instantly alarmed.  “What’s wrong?”

                “Do you still feel like you need to leave Forks?” 

                I shrugged.  I knew then, without a doubt, that if I had left he would have followed me.               

“I’m going to hurt Jacob no matter where I am, because I’ll be with you…or wanting to be with you.  I wanted to have a choice in this but…I don’t.  I have to be with you.  I just hope you forgive me for what I’ve done.”

                I tore my eyes away from his gaze and looked down at the worn laces of my shoes.  Heat burned across my face.  I couldn’t look at him.  “I’m a horrible monster.  I don’t see how either of you could still want me after all this.  I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.”

                He patiently let me finish, playing with my fingers while he waited.

                “I love you, Bella.  You’re nothing of a monster.”  He paused and lifted my face up so I was looking at him.  He was smiling.

                “I’m glad we’re not leaving anytime soon.  I rather like it here, when you aren’t running after werewolves and half-mad vampires aren’t running after you.”  He chuckled again.  “Let’s get you home.”

                He moved to open the passenger side door for me but I went to sit behind the wheel instead.  He raised his eyebrows at me.

                “Before I go home there’s something I need to do.”

                “What are WE going to do?” he corrected.

                “WE are going to talk to Alice.”

                He had flashed around the side of the truck to my side and pulled me to his chest.  He kissed me again slowly, as if savoring the moment, and sighed into my hair.   “Please don’t make me let go of you again.” 

I hugged him tight.  “Never,” I vowed.

 

 

 

 

You must login (register) to review.




Share/Save/Bookmark


© 2008, 2009 Twilighted Enterprises, LLC. All Rights Reserved.
Unauthorized duplication is a violation of applicable laws.
Privacy Policy | Terms of Service

All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the intellectual property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.