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What Drives Her by Virginia May






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Author's Chapter Notes:

My apologies for the delay.  Family life is a bit distracting at the moment.  Thank you for waiting and for all the amazing reviews!  Thanks as well to farawaymomo and katmom for their help and encouragement, this chapter was by far and away the most I've struggled with this story.  Perhaps it was real life cutting in on my fantasy life, but I hope the following update at least partially makes up for the long delay and lack of response to the last chapter.

Happy Reading!!  ~Ginnie

PS- Stephenie Meyer owns all.  Volvo owns too. ;-)


 

Chapter 19:

"Choosing Sides"

 

                I stood against a railing, watching the water break against the hull of the ferry as it crossed Puget Sound.  I tried my best to look normal, maybe even human, standing out here in the thick fog.  From the thoughts of the few passengers who took notice of me, I wasn't failing completely.  My hooded rain jacket and gloves were convincing enough props, despite being of no more use to me than the once hot cup of coffee I held in one hand.  I decided that I would have to buy a fresh cup for Bella when we docked.

                Bella. 

                My only conscious thoughts were of her.  I should have been joyful, exuberant even, that these last few hellish days were finally over but I couldn't be.  Instead, I was worried beyond measure and wishing that I could just swim the rest of the distance to Kingston.  This antiquated vessel was far too slow.  I needed to get to her now.

                Something was wrong.  Something had happened while she was away and I had absolutely no idea what.  The only thing I did know was that Alice had seen Bella visibly distraught while boarding the ferry to return to Seattle.  She had also seen that Bella was going to arrive first thing in the morning rather than this afternoon like she had originally planned.  I quickly calculated that in order to be waiting at the ferry terminal right now, Bella must have left Forks before five o'clock this morning.  What I couldn't figure out was why

                While the vessel trolled slowly towards where she was waiting, I obsessed over the myriad of possible reasons behind a change in Bella's itinerary.  Each thought upset me more than the last.  My only insight into Bella's time in Forks was the voicemail she left while I'd been out tracking the Victoria with my brothers yesterday. 

                It hadn't exactly been an easy task for us and unfortunately I had been forced to turn my phone off part of the day.  We just couldn't afford to risk Victoria finding out that we were watching her.  Not one of my family had a gift for tracking, and while we were fairly certain this vampire had no idea we were looking for her, she already seemed to have done a very good job of leaving little to no evidence behind to lead us to her.  Almost too good of a job.  In fact, every time we got close enough for me to begin distinguishing her thoughts, she disappeared. 

                Even Jasper, with all of his experience, was slightly stunned.  Victoria was either extraordinarily lucky or she had an enhanced ability to evade being detected or captured.  Which was the only explanation we could come up with for why the wolves had never been able to catch her.  Or why Alice had been unable to see us getting our hands on her anytime soon. 

                In fact, the only thing that Alice could see was that Victoria would keep coming back. 

                By the time we returned home in the middle of the night, the entire family was wet, muddy and thoroughly frustrated.  I was especially agitated, so much so that I almost considered breaking the treaty just to see Bella.  I wanted nothing more than to hear her heartbeat, to feel her warmth and her softness against my skin.  More than that, I needed to know that she was safe and secure. 

                I was grateful that at the very least she'd left me a message that afternoon and I could hear her sweet voice.  It was a simple enough message and didn't seem to indicate anything was wrong at the time.  I'd even started to call her back as soon as I got it, but was interrupted by an incoming call from Alice.   After speaking with my sister, I had to go right back to dealing with the Victoria situation and figured that it had been too long since she called anyway.  Sending a quick text first, I turned my phone back off and ran to catch up to Emmett and Jasper. 

                It didn't occur to me to worry until much later, at which point I drove Alice to near insanity by making half-hearted decisions motivated by my growing anxieties. 

                She'd seen me breaking the treaty without getting caught at least once, but there were dozens of other times where she'd seen my future disappear abruptly as soon as I made the decision to go to Forks or pull some other stunt.  Carlisle made it his personal mission to keep me busy, but only four moves into our second game of chess, Alice had foreseen Bella's tearful return to Seattle.

                By the time the ferry finally docked, I was practically beside myself with worry.  It seemed like an interminable wait until boarding finally began and I heard the rumble her old truck approaching.  I slipped onto the car deck without being seen and caught sight of her as soon as she pulled in.  It was quite obvious that she'd been crying recently.  Even now, her red, swollen eyes were filled with tears.  Her normally cute little nose was bright pink and there were dark circles under her eyes as well. 

                I appeared at the driver's window before Bella could move an inch and knocked lightly on the glass, not wanting to startle her.  I wasn't very successful in that endeavor as she jumped and brought her hands to her mouth to stifle her squeal.

                "Oh!"

                I smiled halfway and waved a hand.  Bella's confusion became obvious and her brow knit together. 

                "Where... What are you doing here?" she whispered, her voice rough.  The question frightened me and made me wonder if it meant that she didn't want me here.  

                Helpless one way or the other, all I could do was ask her, so I reached for the door handle.    

                "Should I have not come?" I asked, opening the door slowly.

                Her gaze dropped to her lap and she shook her head.  "No..."  She took a breath.  "No, I'm really glad you're here."   

                Her voice broke again over the words and for a brief second all I heard was "no".   When my brain caught up with my ears a wave of relief washed over me.

                "May I?" I asked indicating that I wanted to sit with her. 

                Bella nodded and removed her seatbelt before sliding to the passenger's side of the bench seat.   I followed her in. 

                "Come here," I said, opening my arms to her when she glanced up at me looking embarrassed.

                Fortunately, she eagerly leaned into my embrace.  Though as soon as she did, her scent hit me full force and I winced at the burn.  I was really glad that I'd left the door ajar for the moment.   As I'd predicted, the two days we'd been apart had made the potency of her blood seem stronger once again -though it was nowhere near as devastating as it had been when we first met.  

                We sat quietly for a moment or two. I breathed deeply of Bella's scent, waiting for the flow of venom to subside.  Bella took her own series of deep breaths in an attempt to calm her emotions. 

                "How did you know to find me here?" she finally asked.

                I rubbed her back carefully.  "Alice."

                "Right," she murmured, fidgeting with her hands.

                "Will you tell me what it is that has you so upset?"

                She sighed.  "I..."  Her voice wavered and she shook her head, not finishing her thought.

                I kissed the top of her head.  "Please?  Or at least tell me what to do."

                Bella burrowed into my side a little more, her face pressing against my chest.  "This is helping. Just being near you."  She took a deep breath and I could feel her hot breath through my jacket and shirt.  "The way you smell is working wonders, too."

                I chuckled.  "I did tell you why that is, didn't I?"

                It felt like she smiled into my jacket.  "Yes."

                "And you still find it soothing, knowing its purpose is to aid me as a predator?"

                "Yes," she mumbled.

                I sighed.  "You really are a bit odd, aren't you?"

                "I told you that I was." 

                And she had.  I smiled at the memory of one of our first evenings at her apartment.  Once again, I pondered Bella's flawed instincts and shook my head.

                "I suppose I shouldn't complain, considering that I benefit from your lack of self-preservation."

                Bella giggled softly, a welcome sound.  "How do you figure that?"

                "Do you really have to ask?"  I tightened my arms around her ever so slightly; I knew she would perceive it as a full strength hug.  "Having the privilege of being near you, of being allowed to touch you without frightening you or making your skin crawl... it's the greatest gift I've ever been given.  I don't think you have any concept of how much you mean to me, Bella Swan."

                She sat up slowly to look at me with shining eyes.  After she regarded me for a long moment, she raised one hand and brought it to rest against my cheek.

                 "I hope that's true," she whispered. 

                "It is.  You are my life now, Bella."

                Hot tears filled her liquid brown eyes as Bella threw her arms around my neck.  She held on tightly, her breathing ragged and making me both anxious and a bit delirious from the force of her scent.  It was horrifying how much I wanted to be able to respond to her with equal enthusiasm.  The restraint it required to hold her gently was immense.  Somehow, I managed and attempted to comfort her. 

                "What's wrong, love?"

                She shook her head into my neck, but said nothing.

                "Did something happen in Forks?"

                Another shake of her head and a ragged breath were her only answer. 

                "Please, Bella.  I'm going to go mad not knowing."  I pulled her away from me a little and lifted her chin to meet her eyes.  "Please?"

                Her bottom lip trembled and her tears overflowed.  "I'm a horrible person."

                I clenched my teeth inaudibly.  How could she possibly say that?  And who made her think that? 

                "You and I both know that's not true, love.  Why would you say such a thing?"

                "Because it is true.  I'm selfish and ungrateful, and... I'm a horrible friend and daughter."

                Irrational amounts of anger coursed through me hearing her words.  "Who told you that?"

                "Nobody had to say it."  Her hands fell from around my neck and into her lap where she examined them with feigned interest.  

                "Bella... I don't know what happened, but you are none of those things.  Whoever implied otherwise is someone I would like very much to speak with."

                Bella shook her head.  "That's really sweet, but it won't change anything."

                I looked closely at her beautiful pink face and tired eyes.  The wrinkles at the edges were far more visible than normal, her lids were pale and purple, and she had dark shadows beneath them that rivaled mine.

                "Look at you..." I said softly, lifting her face back up and stroking gently under her eyes.  "Did you sleep at all?"

                Bella smiled weakly and shrugged. 

                "Bella... what if you'd fallen asleep at the wheel?"

                "It was fine.  I had too much to think about to fall asleep."

                "Please tell me?"             

                Bella gazed up at me and I could see her seriously considering what she wanted to say.  A line formed in between her brows and she started to open her mouth, but then closed it and fell silent, dropping her gaze to the side. 

                She remained quiet for almost two minutes, during which time the captain announced that the ferry was ready for departure and then the requisite safety announcements were played over the intercom while I watched Bella staring straight ahead.  The motion of the blasted commuter vessel finally shoving off seemed to be the thing that snapped my patience.

                "Bella, please?  I can't read your thoughts.  I don't know what to do or how to help you."

                She sighed and leaned her head against my shoulder.  "There's nothing to do.   It's done," she answered cryptically.

                "Bella... I don't understand," I said, frustrated.  The absolute nothingness coming from her mind, the complete lack of insight into the cause of her distress, was almost physically painful to me.  Being forced to sit still and endure both her scent and her silence made me want to crawl out of my skin.

                "I know, and I'm sorry," Bella whispered. 

                "But you won't tell me?"

                "I..." She shook her head, a recurrent theme from the morning so far.  "Not yet," she added and then moved her small arms to wrap them around my waist.  She held on tightly, at least as tightly as she could manage, and leaned into my chest. 

                I had seen Rosalie like this with Emmett.  I'd seen my brother holding his wife in this exact manner before.  I knew from her thoughts what Rosalie needed when she was like that.  She needed comfort and she needed time, but not distance.  When Rose was like this, she needed Emmett's arms around her just to slow her thoughts down enough to make sense of them.  I wondered idly if Bella might possibly need the same thing.  I wouldn't let myself hope too hard that it was the same way that my sister needed her mate, but it was enough.  It was enough to keep me silent and still while she pressed her heat into me but kept her thoughts to herself. 

                After a moment of acclimation to the physical closeness, I finally allowed myself to wrap my arms around Bella more fully.  I struggled to know how to hold her with an appropriate amount of pressure.  She felt so small and breakable in my arms. 

                Eventually, I felt Bella turn her head and place a kiss on my chest.  Despite the layers of clothing, the skin there burned.  The heat from her seemed to radiate through me as small puffs of warm air from her breath fell on that same spot on my sternum.  It was quite overwhelming, but nothing compared to when she lifted her head and fleetingly kissed the bare skin of my neck.  That was like an all-encompassing icy fire, tingling as it spread over me.  I couldn't even make sense of it. 

                "Thank you," Bella's small, hoarse voice brought me back from some place inside my imagination that was overwrought with sensation and strange, somewhat frightening ideas.  "Thank you for... this.  For just being here."

                I looked down at her and wondered if she had any idea how she affected me.  "Always, my love."

                I moved her then, both needing some separation and sensing that Bella was feeling stronger now.  I sat her back on the bench next to me and tucked her into my side.  Minutes passed and the ferry steamed along.  I was starting to think that she was close to sleep when she finally spoke again. 

                "You shouldn't have had to see me like this.  I'm so sorry."

                I shook my head at her words.  "Do you not understand my feelings for you at all?  Where else would I be?" 

                "That's exactly why I'm apologizing."

                I chuckled at what I could only imagine was going through her head.  "You're impossible."  I kissed the top of her head again.  "But lovely... and good."  I lifted her chin to look at her.  "You are a genuinely good person, Bella.  It was one of the first things I saw in you years ago.  Your goodness.  And your kindness.  You're also generous, capable, selfless, and loyal."

                Bella scoffed.  "Loyalty is relative.  I'm a turncoat as far as anyone else is concerned."

                "I see."  I took a moment to make sure she wasn't going to cry again.  "And by anyone, I assume you mean your werewolf friends."

                "Along with the rest of La Push."

                Stroking the soft flesh of her cheek, I used my eyes to implore her to explain.  "Please, tell me what happened."

                She took a deep breath and I watched as her eyes dilated ever so slightly.  "Okay."

                I made note of the fact that we had docked and would be disembarking soon, but never took my eyes off of Bella.  She blinked slowly and took an unsteady breath as I tried to persuade her to open up to me with my gaze alone. 

                "You're doing it again," she whispered, closing her eyes briefly.  I knew what she meant and she was right. 

                Taking her hand, I interlaced our fingers.  "Is it helping?" 

                She blinked again.  "Helping me, or helping you?"

                I smiled and kissed the back of the hand I held in mine.  "Both... I hope."

                "I guess it is then.  Dazzle away."

                I chuckled and she blushed.  That small reminder of her blood flowing beneath the surface of her delicate skin reminded me that I needed to keep myself in check as she told me whatever it was she had to say.  I couldn't afford to lose control of any kind around her, especially in such a small space. 

                "Perhaps it will be easier to talk once we're moving," I suggested now that we were moments from having to depart the ferry and head back to Seattle.  "You should put your seatbelt on."

                "Yeah, alright," Bella agreed quietly and fumbled around for the correct ends of the safety belt.  It wasn't until we were off of the ferry and moving down the road that she said anything further. 

                "Can we go somewhere?"

                I turned to look at her.  "Where would you like to go?"

                "I don't know.  Just somewhere.  Anywhere."

                "Anywhere but your apartment?" I guessed.

                "Something like that," she answered quietly.

                "Do you believe they'll be waiting for you?"

                "I don't know.  I don't think so, but I'd rather not find out.  I have school tomorrow and I just need a break."

                I thought for a moment.  "You do seem quite exhausted."

                "Gee, thanks," she quipped.

                "I'm sorry.  That's not what I meant.  I just meant that perhaps you would do with some rest today rather than going anywhere."

                "What if I just rest on the way?"

                I shook my head but smiled.  "It's going to be sunny today.  That would be fine if you had tinted windows, but seeing that you do not and I left my car at home, there are only a few options available to us."

                "Where do you usually go when it's sunny?" she asked.

                "We stay out of sight, or stay home.  There is a place..."  I thought about that for a moment.

                How would I get Bella there?  We would have to drive and her truck didn't go very fast.  The windows would also pose a problem when the fog lifted and the clouds dissipated.  And I couldn't very well take her home with me if the family wasn't expecting her. 

                In the short amount of time it took me to consider our options, my phone received a new text message. 

 

Take I-90 to exit 25.
There's a Park & Ride with lots of shade. 
We'll leave the Volvo for you.
I don't know where exactly it is you're thinking of going,
but it should work well and make Bella smile. 
Tell her I say "Hi!" -A

 

                "I guess we're going for a drive and then a short hike," I said and then showed Bella the text.

                "How does she do that?" she laughed lightly after a moment.

                "That's just Alice.  She'll probably pack you a lunch and everything.  She's usually very thorough." 

                "Usually..." she mused and then sat up to look at me.  "But she can't see the boys?  The wolves, I mean."

                "No."

                "You must have been worried when she sent you to come get me."

                "I was.  I still am."

                "I'm sorry."

                "You're here.  You're safe.  That's all I need for now."

                "Me too.  I mean being here."

                "We have at least an hour or so to talk in the car," I suggested.

                Bella sighed loudly.  "Good.  That's good."

                "Whenever you're ready, love.  I'm here.  You should also get some rest if you're tired." 

                "I'm okay now.  Just trying to decide where to start."

                I smiled and put my arm up over the back of the seat in invitation. She shifted over some more and leaned into my side.

                "So I guess your family had a meeting with the pack after I left town Saturday morning," she began after a moment or two.

                "We did," I answered, not too surprised that she already knew that.

                "Why?" she asked quietly.

                "Alice had some information for them.  It was fairly important."

                Bella seemed to consider that a moment before continuing.   "Did you know that you were going to be seeing them before I left?"

                "No.  Alice called after you pulled away."

                She was quiet again.  Watching her from the corner of my eye, I could tell she was thinking heavily about something.  She sighed and then continued.  

                "So the thing is... that after your little meeting, Sam called the tribal counsel and then gathered the entire pack together.  Including Embry.  When he phased on his way there that night, the rest of the guys became aware of the fact that he believed you and I were, or are, together.  Not surprisingly, that didn't go over so well in La Push.  Embry got into a fight with Jacob.  Then..."

                The hair on the back of my neck stood up when her voice fell off.  Then... what

                "Did he hurt you?  Speak to you harshly?  So help me, Bella-" I lifted my arm from her and gripped the wheel in her ancient truck, feeling it bend beneath the abuse. 

                "No, stop."  Bella squeezed my bicep and interrupted my rant.  "It wasn't Jake.  Not at first."

                "At first?" I looked at her incredulously.

                "Just wait, we'll get there.  It wasn't a huge deal.  He didn't say anything I didn't already know.  What got to me was something Sue Clearwater said to me when she came to dinner last night.  She's Charlie's girlfriend, sort of...  Anyway, she also happens to be on the tribal counsel."

                "She didn't tell your father about us?" I asked, horrified by where I thought Bella was going with this. 

                "No, nothing like that."

                "Then what, Bella?  You're killing me here."

                Bella gave me an exasperated look.  "This is hard for me too, okay?"

                I shook my head and tried to pull it together.  "I know, love.  I'm sorry."

                "It's fine.  I understand.  More than you know.  I just... I can't believe it's come to this."

                "Bella..." I warned.  She really was going to drive me mad with the cryptic statements.

                She sighed.  "Fine, Sue asked me to use my influence with you to get your family to leave Washington and never come back."

                "Excuse me?"

                "She assumed, just as the pack did, that you have nefarious intentions.  That you'd um... that you'd tried to seduce me."  I could feel the heat of Bella's blush from where I sat as she continued right on.  "Then she asked me to think of what it would do to Charlie if he knew, and as if that remark wasn't enough, she decided to hit below the belt by bringing Seth into the matter."

                "How do you mean?" I asked.

                "She asked me to send you away... for Seth."  Bella took an unsteady breath.  "She all but begged me to do it to protect him."

                I came to a conclusion quickly.  "Protect him... from phasing.  He carries the trait but hasn't yet made the change." 

                Bella nodded. "Exactly, and his mother doesn't want him to have to carry the burden or be put in danger.   She knew that I would sympathize with her and that I wouldn't want him to go through the change either."  Bella wiped away a tear.  "She knows I adore Seth.  He's been like a brother to me the last year or so.  I mean, of course we have...  Our parents are close, and we've shared holidays.  He looks up to me and I try to look out for him since his sister isn't around a lot anymore.  And he's so smart, and kind, and completely carefree."  She was quiet a moment.  "He reminds me so much of Jacob ...before."

                "Before he began phasing."

                "Yeah," Bella whispered. 

                "You were asked to choose."  It wasn't a question. 

                "Yes."

                "And..."

                "And... that pisses me off a little.  Sue had no right to ask me what she did!  Nor to ask such a thing of your family!  You guys are helping them for no other reason than because it's the right thing to do, and still they don't trust you.  You live hundreds miles from their lands, and dozens of miles away from Seth, and still they act like they have a right to make this kind of decision.  And finally, for all of these years that they've known me, not one of them, not even Sue, trusts me."

                As relieved as I was that she wasn't sending me packing just yet, I felt the need to set her straight on one thing.  "That's not entirely true, love.  It's me they don't trust."

                "Which is stupid!  What else are you going to have to do to prove yourself?"

                "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do.  Now, as to whether or not Seth joins the pack... I don't know enough about what triggers the process to make any guesses as to our culpability."

                She huffed out a breath.  "That's just it, though.  Are you to be blamed for existing?  That's ridiculous and cruel.  Not to mention that I don't believe for a second that what Sue said to me had anything to do with Seth, at least as far as the rest of the pack is concerned.  As his mother, maybe... but the rest of them?  They're trying to get rid of you specifically.  This is about you... me and you."

                I nodded but said nothing at first.  I needed some time to process all she'd said.  Fortunately being a vampire meant that I was able to do that quickly and Bella would never notice a lull in conversation. 

                "So you think that Sue's plea was actually the pack's effort to get you away from my influence," I said finally. 

                "Yes," Bella answered.

                "And this is upsets you."

                "Obviously," she frowned.

                "What if staying away from me was what's best for you?"

                Her eyes flashed and her tone grew fierce.  "Don't say that.  Ever.  Just... don't."

                For once I found her anger not amusing, but disturbing.  "Bella..."

                "No, Edward.  Do you have any idea how tired I am of people telling me what's best for me?  How many times I've been asked to make a decision in the best interest of whatever or whomever?  Not that anyone has ever bothered to ask for my feelings in any of it!"

                I sighed, as did she.        

                "For once, I'm actually going to choose what's best for me.  Not someone else.  Even though it's selfish..."  Bella looked out the window and suddenly her tears were back.  "Even though it means losing friends... and even though Seth may hate me someday."

                "Bella, love, Seth couldn't possibly blame you if he joins the pack."

                "No?  How do you know that?"

                "Sweetheart... he has the trait, it's in his genes.  You have no control over that any more than I do.  Despite any of our theories, we will never really know what caused them to start taking up their wolf form again."

                "What if he does phase and then finds out I had the power to prevent it? That I could have asked you to go but didn't?  What then?"

                "Let me ask you something, love," I said, turning to her slightly.  "What makes you think you have that kind of influence over me?"

                Bella looked up with a bewildered expression.  "Wh- what?"

                I chuckled and looked back at the road.  "If it was what you really wanted, what you needed to be happy, then I would go.  But if you think I would leave you behind to make things more convenient or comfortable for a bunch of arrogant, cocksure shape-shifters, then you greatly overestimate my self-control." 

                "Oh," Bella said slumping against me. 

                I lifted my arm and once again pulled her as close as her seatbelt would allow.  "I've lived without you once. It's not an existence I wish to go back to."

                "I know," Bella whispered.  "Me either."

 

~(~)~

 

                Bella fell asleep not long after that, no doubt drained from the long night she'd had and the emotional trip back.  I still hadn't figured out whether or not she'd seen Jacob or run into any other problems with the pack while she was away, but for now I was content to know she was safe and had not been physically harmed. 

                A little over an hour later when we pulled into the Park & Ride just off of the interstate and I found my Volvo waiting for me, I breathed a sigh of relief.  Bella's truck was hideous to drive.  I think I could have picked it up and run with it faster than I was able to actually drive it.  Not to mention, the entire time I was waiting for the sun to come out and make it look like a living disco ball was operating the beast. 

                Quickly, I pulled into the open space next to the Volvo and put my gloves and sunglasses on before pulling the hood of my jacket up over my head.  The clouds were getting far too sparse to take any chances should someone else show up here and see me. 

                "Bella, love... wake up," I said lowly after I'd put her duffle and computer bag in the trunk of my car. 

                "Hmm?" Bella hummed as she opened her eyes. 

                "We need to change cars.  Can you walk a few steps?" I asked.

                "Oh.  Sure, sure.  Just let me..." She stretched her arms and yawned while I watched on in humble adoration.  She was so cute when she was groggy.    "What's with the get-up?" she asked when she looked at me fully.

                "Nothing," I smiled.  "Preventative measures.  Are you ready?  We need to get going." 

                "Yeah," she answered, a suspicious but amused expression on her face.

                She was still eyeing me curiously when I removed the hood and glasses once we were seated in the car.  Not a minute later the sun broke through the clouds and shone down on us.  Even through the tinted windows, it was somewhat bright.  Were it not for the long sleeves of the jacket I still wore, I was sure my arms would be giving off at least a soft luminescent glow.   

                "Where are we going?" Bella asked a few miles into the drive.

                "A place I know.  We'll have to hike a bit, but the view is worth it.  And it's quiet there.  Nobody for miles."

                Bella sighed.  "It sounds perfect.  Even though we shouldn't have to hide."

                "Is that what we're doing?" I asked honestly.

                She shrugged.  "It feels that way when I'm afraid to go home."

                "Afraid?" I looked at her sharply.

                "No, no... I misspoke.  I just mean that I don't want to deal with what might be waiting for me at home."

                "What?  Or whom?"

                Another sigh.  "Whom, I suppose."

                "Jacob?" I asked carefully.

                "Maybe.  I've been avoiding talking to him."

                I smirked.  "This I know."

                Bella's head whipped over.  "What do you mean?  You've spoken to him?"

                "I didn't have to."  I tapped my temple and smiled. 

                "When did you see him?  Oh my gosh, at the meeting!"  She looked out the windshield with her brow all wrinkled up.  "I didn't even think about that.  How did I not realize?"  I wasn't sure she was actually speaking to me anymore when she began mumbling under her breath.

                "Bella, it's alright.  We didn't even acknowledge each other -outwardly."

                "But I...  What was he thinking about?"  She met my eyes anxiously.

                "The usual; he didn't trust my family.  He was suspicious of why we would offer our help so freely and worried, as did the rest of the pack, that we were leading them into a trap.  In all fairness, Jacob's instincts are very good and he was wise to consider all the possibilities."  I paused considering what else to tell her. 

                It probably wouldn't comfort her to know that he was staring daggers at me and planning to take me apart first if it turned out that we were leading them astray or using Bella in anyway.  Nor would I care to inform her how very much in love with her Jacob still was; a fact that was painfully obvious whenever he thought of how many times he'd called her recently to no avail.

                "Jacob feels quite... protective of you.  Possessive even.  It was rather hard to ignore."

                "I'm sorry.  He feels responsible for me."

                "It's more than that."

                "I know," she sighed, turning to look out the window.  "It's been hard for him to let go.  We were friends before we were anything else.  That and he sees me as helpless and vulnerable in the whole scheme of things.  I knew he'd flip out when he found out about us."

                "A normal reaction to the situation."

                That earned a small laugh from Bella.    "Perhaps.  Truthfully, I didn't know what to tell him.  It would have been weird to explain that I was with someone else even if you weren't a ‘Cold One'."  She used little air quotes and rolled her eyes.  It still baffled me how lightly she could speak of such things.  "But... to them, you are.  And that's all that you are."

                "I understand."

                Bella reached for my hand.  "He tried to see me.  In Forks.   Jake drove Billy over to our house and then asked to talk to me, but Charlie sent him away.  I was supposed to be taking a nap."

                I figured as much was likely to happen and it took every ounce of experience I had with feigning nonchalance to keep my voice steady as I encouraged Bella to elaborate.  "Is that when you called me?"

                "Uh, no.  No, that was something else."  She blushed and looked away again.  "Um, Jake called late last night after Sue went home after our little talk.  I guess he figured he would try to convince me further."

                "And you took his call this time."  It wasn't really a question.

                Bella shrugged.  "I'd already been through the whole thing with Sue.  Why not get it all out of the way at once?"

                "Do you want to talk about it?" I asked carefully.

                She sat biting on her bottom lip for a long moment before speaking.  "It was a short conversation.  He was concerned at first, but got angry when I told him my life and relationships were none of his business.  He told me I was being crazy and naïve and that I would end up regretting everything."

                Bella fell silent while I focused on not losing my temper or falling into despair.  As much as I despised the thought of Jacob speaking harshly with Bella, his concerns were the same as my own in many ways.  Would she one day see me for what I really am and grow to resent or even hate me?

                "And what if you do?" I asked, unable to hold it in. 

                "That could never happen."

                "You don't know that.  Things change, people change."

                "Are you telling me that your feelings for me might change in time?" Her eyes snapped to mine. 

                "No, of course not.  What I feel for you is eternal."

                "Well then, you know exactly how I feel," she answered, squeezing my hand.  "That's what Jacob cannot comprehend.  There was never any decision to be made, not really.   It's you.  It's always been you."

                "I don't think Jacob would see it that way."

                Bella shook her head.  "He doesn't know because I never let him see.  You were with me all along."

                She took my unnecessary breath away once again.  Lifting our hands to my lips, I kissed her skin over her knuckles gently.  "You were with me too."

                Bella smiled and I felt her eyes on me, even as I focused on the series of hairpin turns coming up on the road ahead. 

                "You know, now that I think about it... that's really not fair," she said after a moment.  "You got to have your perfect photovampiric memory to hold you over while I was stuck with my fuzzy human recollections.  And believe me... they don't hold a candle to the real thing."

                I laughed.  "Photovampiric?"

                "Sure," she shrugged.  "Photographic doesn't really do the power of your mind any justice."

                I only laughed harder at her explanation and shook my head in wonder.  How she managed to distract me in a moment and make me feel such genuine joy simply amazed me.  Only moments ago, I'd been worrying myself over things neither one of us could control.

                Bella giggled and curled up in the passenger's seat, leaning over so she could be closer to me.  "Like that, did you?"

                I smiled and leaned over to kiss the top of her head.  "Very much so." 

                It was another hour and a half, including a short stop to give Bella a human moment, before we reached the small access road where I planned to park the car. 

                "We'll have to go the rest of the way on foot.  I can carry you if you get tired and Alice left a backpack in the trunk with some water and fruit for you."

                Bella nodded and stretched lazily in the seat while I got out to open her door and retrieve the bag in question.  

                "She is thorough, isn't she?" Bella commented when I opened the backpack to check its contents. 

                "We rely on her far too often.  But I don't think she minds."  I smiled and swung the bag onto my shoulders.   

                "Why do I get the feeling you're right?" Bella asked with a smile as I turned to offer her my hand.

                "Hmm... Would her fashion-wise text messages have anything to do with it?" I teased.

                "Probably," she giggled. 

                As soon as we entered the woods, Bella was all business.  Light conversation was apparently off the menu as long as she was trying to remain upright.  I was there before she could take a single misstep, but the hike became arduous for her after just a few minutes.  The lack of a proper trail impeded her every movement. 

                "This was a bad idea.  You've hardly slept.  You'll exhaust yourself if we go much further."

                "Don't be silly.  How much farther is it?" she asked, slightly winded. 

                "A few miles."

                Her eyes widened considerably.  "Oh." 

                "Perhaps..."  I trailed off, unsure if she would be willing to allow me to do what I was considering.  "Would you want, or rather, would you allow me to carry you?  I could show you how I would get there normally."

                "Umm... how would you get there normally?"

                "I'd run."

                "And you want to run while carrying me?" she asked, her voice growing in pitch.

                "I won't drop you.  You'll be perfectly safe and we'll get there much faster."

                "I... guess so.  You're sure?"  Her voice was anything but convincing. 

                "Absolutely," I answered, bending my head at the same time I raised my hands to her face.  My lips met hers tenderly, carefully even, but with purpose and passion.  Bella sighed into the kiss and I felt her body relax against mine even as her lips and hands grew frantic.  Pulling back before she could hurt herself or I could lose control, I smiled and whispered into her ear, "I won't let you fall."

                Only a moment after she acquiesced, Bella and I were running.  I was glad she agreed to me carrying her, because it turned out my approximation of the distance between the car and the exact mountainside I was looking for had been a bit off -I'd never tried to get there in my car before.  Still, we were nearly at our destination within five minutes, which was a good thing as Bella began trembling a few hundred yards out.

                "Are you okay, love?" I asked, slowing a bit before stopping completely.  A small squeak was her only answer.

                "Bella, are you alright?" I inquired again, reaching around to help her down.      

                "Think so...  don't know," she answered as her feet hit the ground.  They nearly went out from under her and I had to hold her against me to keep her from falling.   

                "What happened?" I asked.

                "Should have closed my eyes," she answered, her hands fisted in my shirt and her head pressed against my chest. 

                I sighed in relief and then chuckled while rubbing her back.  "You'll have to remember that on the way back."

                "Oh, God," she groaned and I couldn't help but laugh fully.  She tilted her head to scowl at me, though it was playful.  "Yeah, yeah... make fun of the human," she muttered.

                Still chuckling, I bent down to lift her chin and kiss her forehead, cheeks and then her nose.  "I'm not making fun.  I've just forgotten what it must be like to see with your eyes.  I can't remember how the world looked to me before... or how it felt."

                "Well, right now?  It feels a little like the world is spinning too fast," she said with a small smile. 

                "I am sorry.  Do you need to sit down?"

                "No, no."  She shook her head.  "I just... can we wait a little bit before we try that again?   Please?"

                "Of course.  The forest is actually less dense through here, it may be easier for you to walk now than it was earlier and we're almost there."

                "Good.  I'd really hate to throw up on you," she laughed, though from the slight blush on her cheeks I had to wonder if perhaps she wasn't at least somewhat serious. 

                Ignoring that thought and taking her hand in mine, I led Bella slowly at first through the trees.  After a few minutes, she seemed to get some strength in her legs back and picked up the pace by human standards.  I remained at her side or just behind her when it was necessary for me keep her upright.  As we walked on, we fell into occasional conversation along the way.

                "So, I need to tell you something," Bella said after we'd both been silent a few minutes. 

                "What is it?" I asked, curious about the changes in her heart rate and breathing.

                "It's about why I called you Sunday morning."

                "Okay."  I squeezed her hand gently, encouraging her to continue.

                "I sort of mentioned you to my dad.  I didn't mention you by name but..."

                She stopped walking and glanced over at me with a nervous expression.  Fortunately, I was able to easily mask any surprise I felt, though there was little.  In a quick movement, I pulled her to me and wrapped my arms around her. 

                "You told your father about me?" 

                The disbelief in her eyes was clear even before she spoke again.  "Are you okay with that?" 

                I stroked her cheek softly.  "Why wouldn't I be, love?"

                "Well, I didn't know... we didn't really talk about it.  I made a fuss over not wanting to explain the Volvo..."

                "You did, and I suppose I wish that I'd been able to introduce myself to him properly...  but for obvious reasons that wasn't a possibility this weekend.  How did he react?"

                Bella laughed a little.  "He really only wanted to know whether or not you were treating me well.  And he was impressed that you trusted me with your laptop for the weekend."    

                "I'm guessing you didn't tell him I offered to buy you a new one then?"

                "No," she said, rolling her eyes at me.

                I chuckled and held her closer.  "I'd like to introduce myself to him at some point soon.  Graduation maybe?"

                "I was thinking along those same lines.  It makes the most sense and seems like a good time to introduce you.  I only hope that Sue will be polite about everything and keep her mouth shut.  I know she's not at liberty to tell my dad your secret, but if she's uncomfortable he's likely to notice."

                "She'll be there then?"

                "I don't know for certain.  I had assumed that she would be there, along with Seth... but now I'm not sure."

                "Perhaps it would be best if I attended on my own and met your father afterwards.  Just us."

                Bella sighed.  "I don't want you to have to do that."

                "I don't mind." 

                "But I do," she answered, her eyes telling me just how much.  "Not to mention, Renee will be there as well and if she doesn't meet you then, it could be a long time before we get another chance." 

                I leaned down and kissed her forehead.  "Thank you."

                "For what?"

                "For wanting to include me in your life.  For wanting me to meet your parents."

                She smiled and blushed per her usual.  "They should know you.  Even if they can't know about you."

                "I agree," I smiled down at her.  I was glad she felt as she did because I was determined to give Bella as normal a life as possible.  To be honest, I both desired and feared her parents' approval of our relationship.  "Come on, we should keep moving," I said, keeping the rest of my thoughts to myself. 

                We walked a few more steps until Bella pulled back on my hand.  I stopped to face her.

                "Does... Did you tell your family about me?" she asked without looking at me.  "I mean, other than the fact that Alice has visions or whatever...  Do they know?"    

                "They know," I answered, before tenderly caressing her cheek with the back of my hand.  I rested my palm there, feeling the heat of her flushed skin. 

                She shifted a little, leaning into my hand.  "Because of Alice?"

                "No, not just because of Alice."

                "What did you tell them?"

                "I didn't really have to tell them anything.  You changed my whole world, Bella.  I'm different now than I used to be.  There's no hiding that." 

                "Oh," she said, biting on her bottom lip and fighting a smile.     

                "Why?  Did you think that I would try to hide you?"  My question was only slightly serious. 

                "I don't know.  I just thought maybe that we were a secret.  What with the rules and all." She shrugged.

                Ahh...  "Well, yes.  I suppose in that way we are a secret.  However, with that one exception, I want everyone to know that you chose me.  That I'm yours."

                "Really?"

                "Yes, really.  Do you doubt me so easily?"  Or did she doubt herself?

                Bella smiled sadly and then looked up at me with a somewhat guilty expression.  "It's not that. Please don't think that, I guess I just needed to hear it again."

                I lifted her chin and smiled.  

                "Which part?   That I love you?  That I want to be with you?  Or that I would tell the whole world if I could?"

                Bella's breath caught, but her eyes remained troubled, almost disbelieving.

                "Do you need to hear it again?" I asked.  She bobbed her head once slowly.  "Alright then..."  I answered, kissing her once.  "I love you, I want you, and if I could, I would shout it from the tallest mountain."

                Unexpectedly, Bella started giggling.  I stood back, somewhat stunned that my sincerest declarations had garnered that reaction.   She quickly stifled her laughter and looked up apologetically while raising her arms and wrapping them around my neck.  Before I quite decided what she was doing, she pulled herself up to my lips.  I could have been able to avoid her maneuver, but realizing it was the first time that Bella had initiated a kiss between us, I chose to stay still. 

                Her soft lips pushed into my hard ones, searing them with the icy fire I'd grown to both love and hate.  My bloodlust flared for a brief moment but it wasn't long before Bella realized that I was a statue beneath her.   "I'm sorry," she breathed against my tightly closed mouth.  "Are you okay?"

                I nodded and tried to smile.  "It's fine."

                She watched me for a moment.  "I shouldn't have done that.  Laugh at you, I mean.  Well, I guess I shouldn't have just kissed you like that either, but I really didn't mean to start giggling like that, Edward.  What you said was so very, very sweet and adorably old-fashioned.  You just made me so happy and I couldn't help it.  I'm sorry." 

                She raised herself on her toes and kissed me once again but on the cheek this time. 

                "Well...  I guess I'm glad I could amuse you," I answered, after a moment of consideration.   

                Bella ran her fingers through the hair at my neck.  "I really did love what you said.  And I completely believe you, considering our current location."  She glanced to the trees surrounding us.  "Where are we by the way?"

                I smiled more genuinely.  "Come on.  I'll show you... it's not much farther now."

                I took Bella's hand and led her carefully the rest of the way through the woods towards the outcropping of rocks I knew we'd find and the small clearing just beneath them.  I spotted it long before Bella and smiled in anticipation.

                The foliage had greened up considerably since the last time I was here just a few weeks ago.  The blue skies and warmer air complimented the singularity of this lovely spot on the mountainside.  I really couldn't wait to see Bella's face when she saw the little patches of wildflowers in the clearing or the distant view of Mt. Rainier from the rocks.  I hoped she would be able to see it.  Few humans ever had the privilege of such a sight.  For the most part, they simply never got this far into the national forest.  I only hoped that she'd be interested in appreciating it after seeing the way my skin looked in the sun. 

                "How are you doing?" I asked just a few feet from where we were going.

                She swung her arms a little and paused for a moment. "I'm good, a little tired."

                "We're almost there.  It's right through that break in the trees," I pointed.

                Bella squinted and reached for my hand as she moved to step over a fallen log.  "I see the sunlight." She looked up at me warily.  "You'll show me?"

                I smiled and nodded my head.  "That's one of the reasons we're here.  So you can see what I look like in the sun." 

                She took a deep breath and I heard her heart speed up.  "Let's do this then."

                I chuckled and followed her, wanting Bella to move into the clearing in front of me.  I lifted her over another fallen log and we walked silently a few more steps.  She stopped in front of a small stream of light that made its way through the trees and seemed to grow more anxious. 

                "Don't be scared," I whispered close to her ear as I guided her around the bit of sunlight.  Her breath hitched at my attempt to soothe her and it unnerved me a little.  Was it desire?  Or fear? 

                What if she was horrified by the sight of me?

                Unfortunately, there was no time to reconsider my plan as her next step forward put her at the edge of the trees.  I listened to her breathing and heart rate for signs of anxiety while she took in the blades of grass that were dotted here and there with other foliage and the early blooms I knew would be opening by now.  The expanse of green brushed up against grey where smooth granite jutted up out of the ground on one end of the clearing where it met the side of the mountain.  It was from the top of those rocks that you could see the rest of the surrounding mountains and Rainier National Park. 

                While Bella made her initial inspection of the area before her, I moved silently towards a large tree that had a few boughs creating an area of deeper shade. 

                "Wow..." she breathed.  From where I stood the word was barely audible even to me. 

                She walked slowly into the clearing, needing some time for her eyes to adjust to the brightness of the open space.  I watched her taking everything in and marveling at what she saw.  It pleased me to think she found it to her liking, but I wondered how she would remember this place in the days to come. 

                She seemed to begin to say something and turned around to find me gone from behind her.  She spun around to look for me and I stepped forward slowly just to the edge of the shade where I'd already unbuttoned my shirt and rolled up the sleeves. 

                As our eyes met, I took a deep breath full of the scents of pine, grass, sunlight and Bella, and then lifted my foot and propelled myself forward into another first for me.  It would be the first time I'd ever been seen for what I truly am in this long, formerly very lonely existence of mine.   Despite all my efforts to be ready, I never could have been prepared myself for Bella's reaction.  Nor could I have ever imagined what would come next. 

~(~)~

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

Don't hit me for the cliffie, please??  The next chapter is well underway and I hope to finish by week's end.  Reviews help keep me motivated, though I hate to even ask I have not had time to respond.  Should you choose to have mercy on me and tell me what you thought anyway... I'd love to hear your predicitions for what will happen next.  *hint, hint!*

Hugs, Ginnie

EDIT:: Huge Thanks to delilah69, gr8fulmom, dazzled eyes, griff1au, and VictoriaCullen for pushing me over 350 Reviews last chapter!!  You guys blew it out of the park!  Thank you so, so much!!   And to my faithful reviewers who comment on each and every chapter, so many of you who’ve been there from the beginning six months ago, thank you is not enough- your support means so very much!!

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