1. Resolve
   
It had been nearly a week since our return from Italy, and it seemed like the time spent apart had been in the very distant past.  Relief so acute it was nearly painful would be the best way to describe the time spent every night, sliding through the window that had haunted my mind, laying in the bed that called to me across an ocean, next to the person who shadowed my every thought.

“Edward,” Bella sighed.

I smiled.  Bella gently snuggled closer to me and sighed in her sleep.  A slight smile spread across her lips.

It was unbearable to think that in a very few short number of hours I would have to leave her.  Since our return home I had elected to stay behind while the others hunted, preferring to fill the need with the smaller prey nearby during the intermission between school and the time I could spend with Bella. Doing so only meant that I was that much more thirsty in a shorter amount of time. Every touch seemed to cost just a bit more now. Every kiss seemed to straddle the line between the greatest pleasure and the greatest pain.

Bella sighed in her sleep. Her hand, which was lying across my chest, twitched ever so slightly.

It would be less than a day that I would be away, but each minute would be a small torture.

I will return and be able to stay that much longer, I chanted to myself, a weak attempt to comfort the pain. A battle lost before it’s begun. 

There was no escaping the knowledge and accompanying pain of what my absence, however brief, would do to Bella.  I had seen what my absence had done to her, from multiple viewpoints; I deserved her less now than I ever did.

That thought only further ignited my opposition to leaving.

My departure had without a doubt been the catalyst of many things that would haunt me for my very long life. Rightfully so.

There was no escaping the pain of what Bella had suffered in my absence. As a result of my absence. As a result of me.

Agony.

The changes were as obvious as they were telling. There was no denying that she had lost weight. Her once willowy frame seemed almost more breakable now. A feat I would have thought impossible.

Though Alice had given me a thoroughly comprehensive look at what Bella had suffered, Charlie was able to fill in the story even more. Unbeknownst to him, Charlie was able to thoroughly detail why I was not to set foot in his house again, and why, when Bella overruled that order, it should be reinstated.

Bella’s ashen face as she was laid on the couch so many months ago. Her screams each successive night, a horrible reminder to Charlie of how broken his daughter was.

I stared at her face, wondering how I could possibly deserve something so pure, so lovely, so forgiving…

I managed to tear my eyes away from Bella’s face to glance at the alarm clock near the bed.

Emmett and Jasper will no doubt be ready to leave soon, and their growing impatience with my lack of interest in anything not including Bella was reaching a breaking point. Emmett especially. I sighed, frustrated.

My hand gently stroked Bella’s cheek. I would have to leave some time, the sooner the better, I told myself, a weak attempt at a lie wholly manufactured to remind myself that I would be back sooner the sooner I left.

“Edward,” Bella sighed, temporarily breaking my resolve.


It had been nearly four hours since I left Bella, and the time seemed to pass more slowly with each minute of the day. If I had been in pain before, I was in agony now.

Jasper simply preferred not to be near me on this particular outing, sensing my growing tension, unease, anxiety….

Calm down Edward, Alice is with her. She’ll be fine. Relax.

Jasper was growing tired of my mood, and was almost persuaded to change it, however he seemed disinclined to do so when locking eyes with me.

Just then, Emmett jogged over to where the two of us where standing, a bright simile spread across his face, his hair was matted with dirt and sap.

Before he could speak my phone buzzed. In less than half a second it was at my ear. I was so tense that I had to remind myself to be gentle so as not to break it.

“Alice, what is it?” I didn’t need to check the id, I knew there would be only one reason why I would be getting a call now.

I felt cold, like ice, as I waited for her response.

I couldn’t quite control the sense of violence swarming through my mind as I drove to La Push. The internal war being waged within was too consuming, too intense to allow for any emotion short of violence.

Alice had sworn to me that Bella would be safe, that my worries were unnecessary and pointless.

She couldn’t have been more wrong.

There was no way of knowing, now, whether Bella was safe. Everything was left to chance, sheer possibility…. That was all it would take, all it could take for something to go wrong. For Bella to be in danger.

My vision was suddenly clouded. Consumed by a rage so intense that it was a flavor on my tongue, my hands clenched around the steering wheel. My foot foolishly sought to gain more purchase from the already extended pedal. Every inch I gained from the tires seemed to beg more of me.

So close, but not quite close enough.

I had to go get her, make sure she was safe.

She could not be safe until she was with me.

Some distant part of my brain, that retained sanity or was more insane than the rest, reminded me of the impact of my soon to be actions. What would surely follow was a fight. I had to admit that this conclusion was somewhat enjoyable, invited even. It would surely be an appropriate outlet for the consuming sense of brutality in me.

I was decided. My reason for action was justified. Logical. The single most priority in my world was at stake. There was no questioning my actions when it came to Bella. I would not let her be harmed…

Harmed.

The cost of my resolution enhanced the image that was at the forefront of my mind, highlighting the collateral damage.

Bella’s face took on a new meaning.

It was obvious that she cared deeply for Jacob Black. Cared enough to put her life at risk, enough to oppose my will to keep her safe. She would no doubt be hurt when, not if, it turned into a fight. That much was evident.

I had seen, very briefly, the bond that had forged between them when we returned from Italy. This memory also served as evidence to the opposition. Bella would be hurt. She would not want me to fight.

I stared unseeingly at the road ahead. My body seething with the urgency to have Bella in my arms, and to quench the thirst for brutality within me. My breathing began to speed as the frustration began to build inside of me.

I could not trust that she would be safe. There was no way of knowing unless I saw her with my own eyes.

Though Bella was utterly confident that no harm would come to her, there was no way of knowing for sure. I had born witness to Bella’s insatiable pull for all things dangerous, and quite frankly deadly. I was once considered the majority shareholder in that category but this was different. The worries and uncertainties that had once overshadowed our relationship no longer existed. There was no sense in a life without Bella, I had seen and felt what it was to lose her. I would make sure that that would never happen again.

I could not trust the werewolves.

Abruptly the car stopped and the breaks, which had been screaming in protest, silenced.

My breathing sped. I was so close, no more than a minute away. I could make her safe.

The only thing in the world that mattered was that she was safe.

I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose in an effort to calm myself. There was no chance of me having faith in the werewolves, that much was certain, but Bella…

I knew what she would want me to do. Her face, which had become both opposition to and proponent for going to La Push, was all I could see. She was the only reason for anything, everything as far as I was concerned.

I could not gamble with such high stakes. I had to make sure she was safe. The urgency and need to secure the only reason for anything in this world rolled throughout me. My faith, trust, my life as it was could not be believed to be safe in the hands of werewolves. But Bella….

She was entirely trustworthy, faithful, and good. My actions, however justified would damage the most important thing in my world. She never asked anything of me, and she would undoubtedly be hurt by my actions.

I growled a sharp rasp of a sound, letting the frustration rip through me.

Inaction was unbearable; it seemed as if each moment that I was frozen here deliberating a small death occurred slowly within me, soon to add up to the whole.

Action, however, would no doubt harm the one thing worth protecting.

My foot pressed down hard on the pedal, I needed to be in action; moving to or away from the temptation.

Five minutes. I could give them that much. Five minutes . . . and then . . .

Five minutes.

The road flew under the tires.

Terms


She is safe. She is safe. She is safe…

I had to keep chanting to myself to somehow control the impulse to destroy something. The call for action, which was all but unsatisfied, left me seething. My hands were fisted in anger, my body was tense, my mind anything but calm. I breathed in deep, pulling as much of her scent in my body as possible.

My emotions begged for an outlet, a point of focus, and created a thirst all its own.

She is safe.

I was too tense to move, the severity of today froze me in place as I waited for her to come upstairs.

“I’m going to go study,” she called to Charlie, then sluggishly climbed the stairs.

Bella came into the room, shutting the door behind her with exaggerated slowness.

I was too angry to form a comprehensive thought.

She is safe, I chanted again, but there was no release, no sense of comfort from what could have happen today. I stared at her.

“Hi.”

I couldn’t talk, so I just continued to glare.

“Er… so I’m still alive”

This forced a reaction from me. There was no stifling the growl in my chest when she said this.  How could she possibly be making jokes? I was too angry to be distracted by the question. This was anything but funny.

“No harm done,” she added casually with a shrug.

Her offhand and easygoing attitude only infuriated me more, which at this point was fairly easily accomplished. I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes in an effort to calm the rage that was building up in me. I had to remind myself that Charlie was just downstairs, I had to modulate my voice.

Though I wanted to growl the words, I managed a whisper; “Bella, do you have any idea how close I came to crossing the line today? To breaking the treaty and coming after you? Do you know what that would have meant?”

Just speaking the words were enough to call the rage into action. The desire for some sort of outlet to channel the fury into was rising. Again. How easy it was to see the outcome had I crossed the line today, like watching a movie with my eye’s closed. The violent images tore through me, begging to escape. My breathing would have sped at the thought if I had not been pinching my nose.

Immediately she gasped, which pulled me from my reverie. I opened my eyes to see her face twist in horror.

“You can’t!” She nearly yelled. “Edward, they’d use any excuse for a fight. They’d love that! You can’t ever break the rules!”

These words, while clearly meant to discourage me, only further strengthened my resolve. The violent images that swirled within my head all this afternoon filled my mind again. It took me a second to come back to the present and answer her.

“Maybe they aren’t the only ones who would enjoy a fight,” I answered bleakly.

“Don’t you start. You made the treaty, you stick to it.”

“If he’d hurt you—,“ the thought again was too violent to finish.

“Enough!” She cut me off before I could gather my thoughts again. “There’s nothing to worry about. Jacob isn’t dangerous.”

The absolute absurdity would have been comical under different circumstances. I rolled my eyes at her with heavy sarcasm. “Bella, you aren’t exactly the best judge of what is or isn’t dangerous.” This was an understatement.

“I know I don’t have to worry about Jake. And neither do you.” She spoke with certainty.

The way she said his name, with easy familiarity and affection bothered me more than it should. I had seen, at a distance, what their relationship had been, as well as what he hoped it would be. The bitterness of his thoughts that day in the woods and several days earlier had given me a secret satisfaction that I would never admit to.

I was the one she wanted.

But now, listening to her voice as she spoke about him with such sincerity and ease; it was no doubt a minor detail considering the whole of today’s events, however it only infuriated me more.

I couldn’t relax my position. I was too tense, too cold. My teeth ground together with frustration, I couldn’t speak.

Bella took a deep breath and timidly crossed the room. She wrapped her arms around me and laid her head on my chest. We stood still and silent. She stepped back slightly after a moment and spoke with a gentle voice, “I’m sorry I made you anxious.”

I sighed. It was impossible to stay mad at her, especially with her this close nestled against my stone shape. She had once accused me of not fighting fair, but the truth was that it was the other way around. The heat of her body, pressed closely to mine made the anger briefly subside while desire took its place.

I wound my arms around her waist, the perfect tonic for today’s stress. Having her close, the heat of her body crashing over me in waves, relaxed me.

“Anxious is a bit of an understatement. It was a very long day.”

“You weren’t supposed to know about it. I thought you’d be hunting longer,” her tone was sorrowful as she stared up at me, a slight frown on her face.

“When Alice saw you disappear, I came back.”

“You shouldn’t have done that. Now you’ll have to go away again.” The frown on her face became more pronounced. Her lips slipped into an attractive pout.

“I can wait.” I would wait. Clearly my absence was the root of the problem.

“That’s ridiculous,” she sighed. “I mean, I know she couldn’t see me with Jacob but you should have known—“

“But I didn’t. And you can’t expect me to let you—“

“Oh, yes I can. That’s exactly what I expect—“

“This won’t happen again, I all but snarled the words at her.

“That’s right,” she declared with a ring of authority I had never heard in her voice. “Because you’re not going to overreact next time.”

“Because there isn’t going to be a next time.”

“I understand when you have to leave, even if I don’t like it—“

I cut her off mid sentence. It was completely nonsensical to believe that she was attempting to argue with me about this. “That’s not the same. I’m not risking my life.”

“Neither am I,” she added casually.

“Werewolves constitute a risk,” I growled at her. The absurdity of the argument was starting to wear on me. Werewolves were volatile, dangerous, temperamental… it seemed an obvious thing to a normal person. Of course Bella could be counted on to react the opposite of what is considered normal.

“I disagree,” she added causally. Clearly she wasn’t taking this seriously.

“I’m not negotiating this, Bella.” My voice was steely. My hands, again, were fisted in anger against her back.

“Neither am I,” she looked up at me with calm eyes. “Is this really just about my safety?” She added abruptly.

“What do you mean,” I demanded. Her question was absurd, surely she meant more than the obvious.

She hesitated before answering. “You aren’t… I mean, you know better than to be jealous, right?”

“Do I?” I was so tense that it was making it hard to breathe. The mere fact that we were having this conversation was reason enough to place more doubt in me. Our relationship, as of late, seemed to be plagued with conversations revolving around Jacob Black.

“Be serious,” she scoffed.

“Easily, there’s nothing remotely humorous about this.” Again, this was another understatement.

“Or… is this something else altogether? Some vampires-and-werewolves-are-always-enemies nonsense? Is this just a testosterone-fueled—“

Abruptly I was so enraged and insulted. Nothing else mattered but that she was safe. How could she question this? Her estimation of my actions, of my intentions made my eyes burn into hers.

“This is only about you. All I care is that you’re safe.”

How could she possibly question this?

“Okay, I believe that,” she spoke slowly. I could see the calculated thought forming in her deep eyes.

“But I want you to know something—when it comes to all this enemies nonsense, I’m out. I am a neutral country,” she declared breathlessly. “I am Switzerland. I refuse to be affected by territorial disputes between mythical creatures. Jacob is family. You are . . . well, not exactly the love of my life, because I expect to love you for much longer than that. The love of my existence. I don’t care who’s a werewolf and who’s a vampire. If Angela turns out to be a witch, she can join the party too.”

She stared at me, seemingly exhausted with the discussion.

“Switzerland,” she repeated again as if to emphasize her desire to end the conversation.

Even though I was angry, I couldn’t help but be amazed and troubled by her sincerity. I frowned, wondering how it was possible that she could oppose me on the issue. Clearly she didn’t understand the risk. I sighed, wondering if it was possible to make her see reason.

“Bella . . .” I breathed in deep for the first time since she had crossed the room. Her sweet fragrance was almost completely masked by the werewolf’s odorous scent. I frowned at the connotations of that.

“What now?” She demanded.

“Well . . . don’t be offended, but you smell like a dog.” I couldn’t help but smile at the look on her face.

She grinned back and stifled a giggle in my chest, then proceeded to grab her toiletries.

When she exited the room I couldn’t help but remember the day’s anxieties. The temporary calm vanished with Bella. It was clear that my absence was what prompted her to go to La Push. But how could I keep her safe when I was away?

Even with Alice keeping watch, there was no way to be sure that she would be safe. A snap decision was all it would take and Alice’s foresight was rendered useless . . .

I stared out the window, searching for a solution that was nowhere to be found.

There was no sense in reasoning with Bella on this. I could see it in the set of her mouth, the clarity in her eyes, she was determined to see Jacob Black.

My teeth ground together in frustration at the name.

I could not leave her until I knew she would be safe. Alice had sworn to me that she would be safe, but I could not longer take comfort in her promises. To be honest, I never held much stock in promises from anyone in terms of Bella. She was too fragile, temporary, the slightest shift in decision could alter her safety. This had been illustrated all to well on her last birthday. I flinched at the memory.

The only way of knowing she was safe was with I was with her, and as much as I might wish, she couldn’t come with me.

My eyes roamed around the room as if the answer were hidden in the books strewn across the wooden floor, piled atop the desk, or hidden in the closet. I could see the results of Alice’s most recent attempt to enhance Bella’s wardrobe—the clothes were pushed to the back of the closet.

I smiled.

Alice might have more luck if she simply asked Bella to accompany her on shopping outings, rather than buy in bulk and effectively overwhelm Bella’s wardrobe.

Just then a plan formulated in my head. I smiled as I refined the details and settled more comfortably in the rocking chair in the corner of the room. Bella would undoubtedly be furious with me, but it was worth enduring if it meant that she was safe, and she was usually quick to forgive. Alice wouldn’t mind babysitting next time I was away, but still I would have to do something in return for the favor.

Slowly the terms and conditions refined themselves in my mind.

Bella would only be safe if someone was with her at all times, and Alice would surely be more than happy to oblige, no matter the bribe.

My mood shifted instantly, from anger and frustration to complacency and ease.

I would still wait to leave again, of course, but the peace of mind of knowing that Bella would be in good hands while I was away seemed to lift my spirits. It seemed the most logical resolution to the problem. Since I could not be with Bella, Alice would be while I was away.

I smiled and stared at the last bit of sun as crawled out of the window frame.

Ah, yes. I knew exactly what to give Alice in exchange.

Just then my phone buzzed. I answered, briefly looking at the id.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you Edward! I promise she’ll have fun,” Alice squealed.

I heard the water shut off and Bella gently stepped out of the shower.

“We’ll talk about it later Alice,” I answered, pleased by her delight.

“Sure. But don’t forget, yellow,” she chirped and hung up the phone.

I stared out the window waiting for Bella to return to me with a smile on my face.