Thank you for sharing this story, it was agonizing to read but I suppose that was the point. I'm a survivor of 12 years of physical & sexual abuse & rape. I survived loosing my 3rd daughter & survived 9/11/01 at the WTC where I responded working NYC EMS. I've had PTSD & depression For more of my life then I haven't & yes I've tried & came dangerously close to succeeding committing suicide. What I want to share with you is one of the most powerful things I believed at that time, one of many things the depression twists to appear as a truth when it's not- truly believing that everyone you love is better off without you. My pain was so great that for a while after the death of my daughter, I couldn't be a real mother to my two young girls who were to young to really understand. All they saw was that mommy never stopped crying, their fearless military & police father cried often & their baby sister never came home from the hospital. She had been to premature for her lungs to ever work. Most people who were well meaning said things that infuriated me; At least she died before you got to know her.... It would have been easier if she had even lived a few weeks, giving me some pleasant memories, some part of her to hold onto. She died immediately after birth. "I know what you feel like, I lost my dog last year" or "I know what u feel like, I had a miscarriage" now I've been pregnant 10 times with 11 babies and I've only given birth 4 times (one daughter after Ava died) so I've had 5 miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy so I also know the pain of a miscarriage and as horrible as it was it wasn't 1/1000th the pain of carrying the child, feeling her kick and move, going through labor and holding your new baby, so tiny fragile and helpless and watch the life slip away from her while you hold her. "It just wasn't meant to be" or "take comfort knowing she is with God now" - really?! The only place my baby was meant to be was in my arms, I was supposed to bring home my daughter in a car seat not bring home her ashes. If she wasn't meant to be she wouldn't have been conceived or would have been an early miscarriage. "Things happen for a reason & what kill you makes you stronger." Some things do, other things, and the overwhelming number of gut wrenching experiences I've had haven't made me stronger, they left me broken and shattered. At some point yes it was more pain than I could handle & I nearly succeeded in killing myself. My 9/11 injuries got worse and worse every time I gave birth until after my last daughter they were so debilitating I was left unable to do simple everyday tasks without help, I can't tie my shoes, hell I can't take care of my own kids without my Inlaws moving in to help and I'm in excruciating pain every day. The most similar pain I can compare it to is back labor during transition, every single day. Some worse then others. Frankly if I didn't have my daughters knowing how much it would destroy them and make them feel I didn't love them enough to stay, I would have killed myself long ago just because of the pain. What I learned was even though I can't do most of the things I used to do as a mom doesn't mean they still don't need me or that I don't still do things as their mom that they need. When they are upset, I'm the one they come to, when they are sick or in pain, it's me they go to, we spend lots of time cuddled up in my bed just watching movies and they get great comfort from just being In my arms. My oldest is now a teenager so I've been able to help her with a lot of teenage issues. When I think about what would have happened if I was successful when I tried to kill myself out of mental exhaustion, emotional pain and depression or if I had given in to the desire to end the physical pain - it makes me physically ill. I truly believed at the time I tried that I would do nothing but screw up everyone else's happiness and lives and that the kindest thing I could do for them would be to take myself out of the picture, giving myself some peace in the process. The damage done of so many years of sexual abuse and manipulation left me hating and blaming myself and the guilt of surviving the WTC when so many of my friends including my Friday night partner and my supervisor was excruciating. I went into therapy and got put on medications so I no longer am depressed to the point I want to die but the physical pain and emotional pain do make me wish I could end it the pain but now that my head is clearer, I couldn't take away my own pain only to give it to my loved ones. Everyone I've ever spoken to who made serious suicide attempts like I did also had the depression convincing them that everyone was better off without them and if they really loved them that killing themselves would be the kindest thing to do, u feel like so much more then a burden to everyone, that's why you don't go to friends who would undoubtedly drop everything to help you. I'm sharing this in hopes that some insight into the mind of someone who was ready to die might help you understand and find a little bit of peace. I've never looked at things from the point of view of the people left behind other then what it would be like for my kids. Thank you for sharing. It was very helpful.

Okay... I have not been in your shoes, but only because people were found before they could..finish.

 

I can't begin to imagine...

 

I wanna hug the shit outta you right now. *sniff*

   I am a girl who has struggled with suicide. I saw no escape, I was wounded by my own choices. Now I sit here today with one statement on my mind, "Suicide is a permanent solutioin to a temparary problem," My pastor told me that.

   I never really wanted to end my life, because I knew the pain it caused. I knew that I am still needed and will always be needed. I know that taking my life would a waste of time. A waste of my time. My time to live.

   I am done wasting my time to live. I no longer wish for an end to the pain that my decisions made, because I have already found it through Jesus Christ.

You have no idea just how thankful I am that you wrote this.  And I'm extremely glad to know that you are my validation beta!  It's not often I leave long winded reviews, but your one shot evoked so much emotion from me, I can't help but share.

I remember that one day that I had made the decision I was going to end my life.  It was three days before my birthday back in 2004.  I had just been given some pretty bad news that my commander was going to try to have my son removed from my custody because of my depressive nature.  He didn't think it was healthy for my child to be in the home of a single mother who was so depressed that the only way she managed any type of normalcy was when she was medicated.  That was my snapping point.

Was I being selfish?  Yes.  But, did I want to live in this world without the only lifeline that kept me tethered to it?  No.  Did I know that my death would hurt others?  Yes.  Did I care?  No.

As you can see I didn't end my life.  My son wasn't removed from my custody.  Since I've left the military I'm not as depressed as I once was.  While I was serving, I was raped and it was swepped under the rug by my commander.  I still hold the military responsible for my mental health, but being away from it now I can breathe easier and I no longer require the medications they had prescribed for me to bring me out of the depression.

how much did it hurt when you found out that your sister had left you? if its too painful to answer, then dont, but if you can, please tell me. or write a poem about it or something.

Thank you for having the courage to write this story and the note afterwards. I'm truly greatful for the awareness you're bringing to the subject. I understand your pain. I've had 2 friends and an uncle commit suicide and the pain doesn't ever truly fade. It was a wonderful story, not only because of the emotion it brings up, but because you're a phenominal writer.

wendy... my sweet girl.

i dont know what its like to feel the way you do, but now i can at least understand it. thank you for sharing your story with us. it was painful, heartbreaking and touching.

im so sorry you ever had to feel so much pain.

you're the strongest person i almost know.

love, you are a rock for sharing this....

took long time to read this, cried the whole time.