The idea is a good one. However, I am simply unable to enjoy this because of a multitude of reasons. This is entirely constructive criticism to be taken as is or ignored. First, there is an excessive use of the symbol & in place of adding two more characters which would turn it into the word and. Second, Bella has always been portrayed as moderately intelligent, contemplative, and wise. The way the diary entry reads opposes it greatly and reduces her as coming across at a level more indicative of someone 12-13 years of age or possibly younger. Third, your indicates something belonging to oneself whereas you're is a contraction of you are. If you mean to say that you are something, than it is incorrect to say that your something. Two completely different meanings there. sigh Lastly, it is crucial to pick a tense and stay within it while writing. Weeblewobbling between past, present, and future severely interrupts the fluidity of one's writing and can cause a story to become clunky and unpleasant to read as the person attempting to read it has to decipher what the author is attempting to convey.
Now I will proceed with direct quotes and corrections to follow since the more I look at this entry, the more it seems easier to simply point out errors one at a time with the proper manner of phrasing and writing to follow. I will place quoted passages in italics and then revert to standard text for corrections. Please keep in mind that the corrections are interpretive as to what I, personally, perceive to be the best phrasing to minimize impact/jerkiness to the flow of words.
Saturday January 1st 2005 - 12:35am
Saturday, January 1st, 2005 - 12:35am
I have never tried or done anything of this sort before, but Dr West said I should try. That maybe it will help. It won’t help. Nothing has helped. Nothing probably ever will. But I’ll try, for Mom at the very least.
I have never tried or done anything of this sort before, but Dr. West said that I should try. He says that maybe it will help. It won't help. Nothing has helped. Nothing probably ever will, but I'll try for Mom at the very least.
My name is Isabella Marie Swan, though I liked to be called Bella. I’m seventeen & a junior in high school. I get average grades. I have two best friends Suzie & David & I used to have a third Melanie. My parents are divorced & I live with my Mom & her husband Phil. My Dad Charlie, lives in Forks in Washington State. I don’t see him very often.
My name is Isabella Marie Swan although I like to be called Bella. I'm seventeen and a junior in high school. I get average grades. I have two best friends, Suzie and David, and I used to have a third, Melanie. My parents are divorced and I live with my Mom and her husband, Phil. My Dad, Charlie, lives in Forks, Washington. I don't see him very often.
Oh & I don’t speak.
Oh, and I don't speak.
I did speak. Along time ago. In fact, I spoke quite a bit. But for the past 6 years I haven’t spoke a word. Not since that day. I want to speak, but I can’t. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t got an illness or anything. Dr West, said it’s something to do with my brain. I don’t really understand, I’ve never really been too good at biology.
I did speak a long time ago. In fact, I spoke quite a bit. However, for the past six years, I haven't spoken a word. I want to speak, but I can't, not since that day. Don't get me wrong. I don't have an illness or anything. Dr. West says it's something to do with my brain. I don't really understand since I've never really been too good at biology.
You may call me a freak, or psycho, an attention hogger. Or you may call me a mute, dumb or disabled, if your kinder. I’ve heard it all before. I’ll here it again. I can handle it. I’ve became used to not showing my emotions. It bothered me at first. But now I can handle it.
You may call me a freak, psycho, or an attention hogger. You might call me a mute, dumb, or disabled if you're kinder. I've heard it all before and I'll hear it again. I can handle it. I've become used to not showing my emotions. It bothered me at first, but now I can handle it.
Because more than anything. Anything in the world I agree with them. I am a freak. The biggest of freaks.
More than anything in the world, I agree with them because I am a freak, the biggest of freaks.
But I’ll have to live with it. Because deep down, I know that’s the way I’ll always be. Despite what my Mom & Dr West say. I know they’re just lying to me. Covering me in cotton wool as usual.
Regardless of it all, I'll have to live with it because, deep down, I know that's the way I'll always be. Despite what my Mom and Dr. West say, I know they're just lying to me, covering me in cotton wool as usual.
So that’s me. Bella Swan - the mute freak.
So, that's me. Bella Swan, the mute freak.
Yours Truly
Yours Truly,
Ps: Oh I forgot to mention. Here’s to another exceptionally miserable & speechless new year. May this one be just as good as the last - Yeah if only.
P.S. Oh, I forgot to mention this. Here's to another exceptionally miserable and speechless new year. May this one be just as good as the last. Yeah, if only.
Again, I apologize if this seems overly critical. However, I tend to be a bit of a stickler(just a bit coughcough) when it comes to grammar and spelling. I do want to note that the idea for the plotline of this is actually nice, it's just a shame that all the tiny little errors add up to make me unable to force myself to wade through all the mistakes to get to the heart of the story.
