It's wonderful to have these two new chapters, Jason.  While I understand completely that writing is an art, and, as such, is not something that can be forced if one's muse is not cooperating, I do so hope you will be able to continue adding chapters here on twilighted until the Jason Culhane story is told in its entirety!!!  This and one other post-Breaking Dawn fanfic here on this site vie for my favorite - and both stories could easily bear up to the scrutiny of professional, published works (the writing in both is simply that good).  Actually, I've thought each time I read either series that had the stories been written as unique, original works rather than a continuation of someone else's story, I imagine they would succeed brilliantly as published literature sold to the general public (I know I'd certainly purchase them!).

Now down to a bit of constructive criticism, if I may... In the segment below, there were a couple of minor issues that interrupted the flow of the story.  The first one was the double use of the word "that" in the first sentence shown (...that, no matter how fleeting, that...).  

The second issue is less obvious and, I'll allow, more subjective.  Where it says "...so it let us let go..." I found myself having to reread it a couple times because I kept stumbling over the nearly back to back use of "let" (though it could just be that I was already a bit tripped up from the "that" issue and so was more sensitive).  Perhaps it could be altered to read something like, "...so it allowed us to let go..." (or you could substitute "permitted" or phrase "offered us the opportunity") or "let go of" could be replaced with something like "release" or "escape" so that it would read, "...so it allowed us to release a little of the tension and enjoy the moment..." These are just a small sample of the alternatives, of course, and your vocabulary is such that I trust you'd have no difficulty at all in providing others. ;) 

This is the section to which I referred above.  Both issues are contained in the same paragraph (conveniently enough).  Quote:

"... it finally hit us both then that, no matter how fleeting, that we were on an actual honeymoon. It was as though there was no easy way back with our driver departed, so it let us let go of a little of the tension and enjoy the moment."

 

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Here's another issue with flow - or, perhaps it is just confusing (though I admit I'm having difficulty myself trying to reword it so that it reads smoothly while continuing to convey your original message):

"The script was very flowy but precise, most likely Edward's, which was probably why Alice had undoubtedly twisted his arm into writing it."

I think it could be written as somethng like, "The script was very flowy but precise, most likely Edward's, which Alice had probably twisted his arm into writing."  After reading it a few times, I decided it was the word "why" in the sentence that was causing most of the confusion - it was making it sound as an explanation of why Edward was the one writing the note rather than illustrating that Edward had been reluctant to write it leading Alice to offer the arm-twisting inducement (this is just my own personal interpretation of this segment, however, and I encourage you to ask for additional opinions to be sure others agree that this not only is a bit confusing as written but also as to how it might be phrased to better convey your original meaning. ;) While I may be able to proof-read someone else's work, having the ability to "turn a phrase" with ease and elegance is not an asset I possess).

 

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I'm totally confused on what this part means (I had thought it was going to be some reference to kissing the Blarney Stone when it began):

"I believe in Ireland they say what are you like." 

"That they do. I guess I am a little infatuated and a bit in love with you, Leah Culhane."

What does it mean when she said, "I believe in Ireland they say what you are like"?

 

 

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There are a couple things about your writing that I don't believe I have mentioned but which deserve commenting...  First, I want to compliment you on how you handle the intimate scenes.  I am not prudish by any means, but some writers turn their fanfics into little more than smut - or perhaps I should politely call it erotica (I have nothing against that genre, I just prefer to choose when to read that type of material rather than having it slipped in unexpectedly under the guise of something less risque).  You handled it in a way well suited to SM's original style (of course, with Jason's age at the start of Equinox being only 16, too much detail could become problematic with various governments).

The other area I wanted to be sure to praise was your handling of details with regard to clothing, decorations, etc.  I cannot begin to tell you how utterly bored I become when I am reading (anything from fanfic to professionally published novels) when an author carries on and on about the most inane details - every ruffle and bow, ribbon and pearl, cut and style of a dress only to then drag us through it again reading about shoes, jewelry, accessories, and so forth.  I am a woman and if I am skimming over all of that to avoid all the tedious details, I cannot imagine many men enjoying those detailed descriptions (I won't even start on the ones who feel the need to describe every morsel of food laid on the table during a five-course meal).  The way you gave us enough details to picture the engagement party and wedding along with the gist of what people were wearing was perfectly balanced - enough information for a reader to picture the scene but without giving us a description of every tiny detail.

One other consideration I keep meaning to mention yet have managed to forget repeatedly until now is my appreciation for your not begging for reviews at the end of each chapter.  I admit I do not understand the obsession so many fanfic authors seem to have about review counts (I can understand wanting to see a high count on the number of times their story has been read as well, of course, as hoping to see the highest possible star rating, but the issue with reviews escapes me).  While reading various stories here on twilighted, I've seen authors beg, bribe, and even threaten to withhold updates until receiving the number of reviews deemed acceptible, and all of it has the tendency to make me not want to review!  I'm not sure if you refrain from asking people to review because you realize that the review count does not necessarily equate to the quality of a story or if it is just not your way, but, whatever the reason, I thank you!  Your stories are superb, and I appreciate not having all the review-begging tainting the experience.

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As with my previous reviews, I wrote this one as I progressed through the chapter to ensure I didn't forget things by the time I reached the end... and a very good thing I did!  What a cliffhanger...and there are no more new chapters yet!!! :(  So, from this one lowly reader who just happens to tremendously enjoy reading your story and who now desperately wants to know what happens next, please, please, please find the time/inspiration asap!  The not-knowing is going to drive me bonkers for a while now.

 

Author's Response:

Hi, Rebecca, thanks so much for your reviews. They mean a lot. I am unfortunately a bit stuck for time and inspiration at the moment. Me and my wife are due a baby soon so suffice it to say my focus is elsewhere! I do intend to eventually finish Spring Tide and I'm sorry it's come out so far in dribs and drabs. Thank you for your suggestions and to answer your question, what are you like is an Irish/UK turn of phrase usually said to or about someone who has done or said something silly or outrageous, and it can be said mockingly or as endearment. Hopefully I'll begin writing properly again before the year is out. 

Absolutely loved this chapter, please keep going!

Author's Response:

Thank you so much, it's my intention for this year to focus more on my writing, so hopefully I'll have a new chapter up soon.

Great chapter, Keep up the good work.  Thanks

Alex

Author's Response:

Thank you, this year will hopefully be better for writing consistency!

I really want to keep reading on!  Great story.  Keep writing.  Thank you.

"the cottage, which they’d quickly rebuilt after the Volturi’s last incursion, hoping that they hadn’t done so just to have it torn down again." -- I see one of my questions from last chapter has been addressed. :)

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" Not that I was in a position to judge them as a strange couple, after all, my mate wasn’t even the same species as me." -- just a quick nerd moment here.  Technically, two beings who can reproduce a viable offspring which can also reproduce are in the same species.  They would just be different breeds of said species (for example, a horse and a donkey can reproduce to create a mule but mules are sterile, therefore horses and donkeys are different species.  However, if you take a Chihuahua and a Great Dane and mate them, they will produce offspring which can then reproduce more offspring leaving them different breeds within the larger species group).  I know, this is another unimportant little tidbit, but the scientist in me couldn't let it pass without comment (it is something I think everytime I see someone comment that the vampires and werewolves/shifters are different species from humans and each other). ;)

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"“I do not require more power, Jasper. I merely want things to remain as they are, which they will not if I try to abstain from this war, or join the opposing side. I’m not stupid, Jasper. I know Aro means to tear through the continent like the coming of the apocalypse, and I would much rather be a willing participant than just another conscripted pawn.”

Jasper shook his head and replied, “You really are a fool, Maria, or you’ve just convinced yourself that volunteering out of fear and lack of choice is the same as choosing. You are just a tool to the Volturi, one which they will run into the ground just as soon as those that they forced to join their ranks.” Jasper looked about and said in a raised voice, “And that goes for the rest of you, too.” 

There were some murmurs, shuffling, and sideways glances among Maria’s recruits. The Mexicans had not even flinched. Peter had calmed somewhat by then, so Carlisle stepped forward to address the other vampires. He said, “Jasper is right. You think by siding with Maria, with Aro, that you are choosing the winning side. Perhaps that will be the case, but it is not you who will claim victory, for few of you will live to see it. You are nothing to the Mexicans, or to the Volturi, nothing but sacrificial pawns to be deployed and expended until Aro gets what he wants. Join them and I guarantee you even if they win, you will not like the world that you will find yourselves in. You want to live as you always have, for things to remain as they are, well, that is not what you are choosing right now. You are choosing to help the Volturi make the greatest power grab in the history of our kind, to expand their tyranny beyond all restraint. You are choosing to enslave yourselves to them, and under Aro’s imperial rule, you will never know freedom, and you will never again know peace. The choice is still yours, however, so I urge you to make the right one.”" -- I love your writing in that segment.  Maria's description of what Aro has in store for the Americas is such that it causes you to grasp the sheer magnitude of the coming war, but Carlisle's speech was inspired!  Who would want to side with someone in a coming war if they knew the one whose side they took would then make slaves of them...assuming they lived that long?  Bravo!

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"We have joined with the Mexicans in the hopes of preserving our way of life, but your words have certainly brought us a fresh perspective. My question to you is therefore quite simple. If we were to join your side, what can you offer us that the Mexicans and Volturi cannot?”

“I don’t know quite what you mean.”
“Let me rephrase, what guarantees can you give us? You say a world in which the Volturi have won and have absolute power will be one of servitude and terror for those of us left standing. Yet, you have not said what we can expect afterward if victory should fall to you.”
Carlisle considered but a moment and replied, “For now, I can guarantee you will not be used, you will not be needlessly sacrificed, you will not be forced into any action against your will. In fact, if any of you choose to abandon Maria now and flee this place to find shelter from this storm, we will not pursue you, or press you into serving our cause instead. Do you think Aro would say the same or Maria for that matter?”

Maria looked sour, but she still did not respond. Najac regarded her with narrowed eyes but still maintained his perpetual smile. He returned his attention to Carlisle and asked, “And what about after you win? We all know the Olympic Coven is large with many powerful gifts to hand. You also have the allegiance of these shapeshifters, and you have many loyal friends among our kind, too, themselves gifted. In a world with no Volturi, that equates to a great deal of power. How do we know that you will not try to fill the vacuum left by the demise of Aro? How do we know that you will not see fit to impose your way of life upon us? We know you feed upon animals and coexist with the humans. What if that’s not what we want? What if we want to return to our lives as they were before the war when all this is over?” " -- I gotta hand it to Najac, he asks intelligent questions and is looking to the future and not just getting through the present intact.

 

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"If your covens have gifts or anything of use to him, he will find a way to exploit it. " -- This was a point of argument I was thinking of after finishing Equinox, that when trying to convince other covens to join them, they need to emphasize that if they have anything Aro wants he will take it from them.  And even if they do not have any gifted members at present, who is to say that they will not have one at some point in the future?  Are they willing to have someone snatched from them to satify another's greed?  

I'm glad to see you utilizing that argument because that is what it boils down to for everyone - no one will be safe from the Volturri should they win.  Aro was bad before but at least he pretended he only acted when laws were broken.  But after this, why bother?  If he wants it, he'll take it without pretense of justice or who he has to kill to get it.  They must understand that this upcoming battle is everyone's fight and that their freedom, way of life, and very lives are at stake now.

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" It was a ploy. The whole attack had been cover so she could make good her escape." -- Wouldn't Edward have known this was her plan, that she'd run while her followers were killed?  In a situation like they were in, he would have been scanning the minds of everyone around him to be sure there were no surprises coming and to make sure they got all the information they could, but I would expect his largest concentration would be on Maria since he knows from Jasper what kind of person she is.

I hope I am not insulting by asking questions like these...I don't mean to be, and I certainly don't intend them as criticisms.  It is just in my nature to spot holes in a plot line (my husband loves to spot editing mistakes in movies and television - things like hair being over one should in one shot and then over the other shoulder in the next, or someone's shirt not being buttoned the same, etc.  He nitpics movies and I nitpic books...lol.  But it doesn't make us like the movie or book any less just because we spot these things). ;)

 

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Alas, I've reached the end of this saga - or at least I've read all that is currently available.  I would truly love to see this third story finished.  The teaser for it was the most exciting of the three and one I very much wanted to read, so if you ever decide to finish it...

  “Wait, she is building her own army?”(...)        “Okay, knowing that, do we still think letting Maria come to us is wise?”        Edward replied, “What else can we do?”
“Well, I’m thinking we make a pre-emptive strike. It’ll be hard enough to fight Aro’s horde without another charging at us from the south.”        “Jason, that might just weaken us before the real battle begins.”        “Or it could do the opposite.(...) Putting down Maria and the Mexicans will get Peter back into the right frame of mind, and it may boost the confidence of the others. Who knows? We might even be able to convince her allies that our side is the better bet.”        Edward, always playing safe.  Of course, it helps it really worked your way in the end.        ;)

  'Fiona came to Jasper before we left. I noticed Alistair standing off a distance near the porch. He and Fiona had developed a rather peculiar relationship in the last month, though nearly everyone wondered what exactly was going on between them. They did nothing but aggravate each other.(...)        I wasn’t sure what to make of it. The idea of Alistair and Fiona together didn’t sit right with me. It was comparable to putting a lioness and a cheetah in a cage and seeing how well they got along.'        In other words, what an interesting couple.  Heheh!  I wanna see how they will get along.  I also wonder if she will convince him to become a vegetarian.  I don't think she would have much tolerance to a human killer.  Well, maybe he could become adept of the "package diet", at least.

  “Is there something else, Leah?”        “Yes, am, it’s important, but it can wait. Alice came to me with a proposal just before her vision, and we need to discuss it. It’s nothing to worry about, so don’t let it distract you.”        “O-kay, well, I’m sure anything Alice suggests is bound to be exciting.”        “I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised, but I do want your input first before we agree.”        Yeah, sure, just another small mistery to swirl in my head.  No problem.        :-/

  '“I am Najac of Haiti. This is my mate, Jessanna, and our daughters, Leila and Cassandre. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”        He always spoke with a smile, his voice dripping with charm, and his introduction of his coven mates as his daughters unsettled his fellow recruits and the Mexicans. Perhaps they were a real family. The younger two did resemble their “father” and “mother”.'        A real family changed together...  Intriguing idea.  Are they?  That made me curious. 

  'I glanced sideways at the river, sweeping it as far as I could up and down its course. The water was too chaotic with too much detritus for me to even guess what anything was. Jasper was assuring Peter that Maria would meet her reckoning eventually, but the fact was that this time, she had eluded us.'        Tsk!  One less demon would be a good thing.  At least, she's alone now.  Won't be of much help to Aro.  And this small victory will raise the moral of the troops.

  Just keep going, Jason.  Can't wait to see how all this will evolve.        B-)

Author's Response:

Thank you, Costa. I hope to get back on this soon. I hit another mini-funk after this chapter, and I may be getting back to the working world soon, so hopefully that'll be a little motivating to my writing. I'll try to have the next chapter up within the month of April at least. Thanks for reviewing.

 

Jason,  I am sooooo glad to have you back writing.   THANK YOU THANK YOU for not leaving you followers.  Your stories of Jason are some of the best I have read. 

Author's Response:

Thanks xanath, and thanks for your patience with me. I was in a bit of a funk in writing terms for several months after I finished equinox and then it was slow going getting the first chapter done. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and the second one is nearly ready so I'll be posting that shortly, Thanks so much for reviewing this first chapter of the last story in this series.