Hmmm... Well, its one of the only stories I have read in first person present tense. As such, it has that almost stream of consciousness feel to it at times. I saw that is was new and had no reviews yet, and as an author of a story on FF.net that gets tons of hits and few reviews, I wanted to help get you started. I know you don't say you mind but I know the feeling of getting that first review. It rocks!
Amazingly, I have a lot to say about your story so far, so here goes.
You should probably try to avoid using paraenthesis as much as possible. I personally believe it weakes the writing and breaks the thought process, distracting the reader. If you can find a way to just incorporate your paraenthetical thought into the sentence, or a seperate sentence, that would be best. For instance you could say" "It's only a slight exaggeration to say that this must be the five billionth school I have been forced to attend..." Instead of breaking your sentence with paraentesis. At one point you used a completely unneccessary paraentesis when Edward said he used a false smile with Alice. Another example, you could have said: "Despite my sarcasm and her abundant enthusiam, Alice and I are extremely close so my proverbial foot went down..." etc.
Overall, the story could be interesting. I hope you don't humiliate poor Jessica too much. And, I have a question. This is a 21st century human Edward, seventeen in all his hromonal glory right? So, what's with the attitude? Why if he's just a normal guy is he repulsed by seemingly all women? Why instead, isn't he just oblivious to their advances?? Interested to see if you have reasons for all of that. Best of Luck!
Author's Response: Thank you verra verra muchly for your review. I understand what you are saying about the obvious overuse of bracketing newly discovered on a read through, but, unfortunately, that is pretty much how my brain works... I do actually tend to 'side thought' myself very regularly and this is just a brain process for me. Maybe I need to part exchange this organ for a newer, younger model... Hmmm, I wonder if 'The Body Shop' stocks these along with makeup and body scrub? I will try in future to tone this down.
With regards to Edward and Jessica, his attitude is based upon never being in a place long enough to create friendships that have meaning for him. He is used the the superficiality of people and the shallowness that accompanies them. I think we may just find out that he learnt this lesson the hard way when he eventually opens up to the possibilties available to him. He is a good looking guy and just assumes that all women want him (conceited git!!). Damn, bracketed again!!! Sorry!!
The path of true love will not be a smooth course for our boy and he will learn first hand, the pain and callousness he is displaying to Jess when Bella (Miss Oblivious) comes on the scene.
Hope you enjoy the future chapters and feel free to keep me on the straight and narrow...