Reviewer: zomniac Signed
July 19, 2010
Chapter 1: Scented.
Yes, I could see this was your first fanfic, and it's not a bad thing. Everyone has to start somewhere, right? No, I haven't been to New Jersey, though I would like to go one day.
Emma has the potential to be a strong character. What put me off the most was how forward she was sexually. You would try to get into the new guy's pants after a month of knowing him during your first visit to his home in his living room with his sister just upstairs and his parents coming home at any moment? It's not convincing as real, though more and more girls Emma's age are starting to do such things. But we're not trying to promote that, are we? Emma can be a badass without trying to seduce the 120 year old vampire like the woman she is not.
It's hard to envision Edward just forgetting about the way he felt for Bella. Sure, Emma makes him feel different, but Bella was his first love. It's very hard to let go of first loves, even if their daughters are awesome. I don't know how you feel about Bella, though I sense that you hold some resentment for her. I don't like Bella at all. But instead of writing her off with worse qualities than she already has, I'd try to give her some form of redemption.
I don't think it takes a certain kind of person to read a story like this. I've read my share of much darker fics from different fandoms. It's all about personal preference and what one would be willing to spend lots of time reading.
This is a learning experience, just like my fic is a learning experience for me. Hopefully, when you're through with this one, you'll be able to go beyond just writing characters that are based upon yourself. When you can do that, you'll know you have grown as a writer, and it'll feel great.
Best of luck.
Oh, yeah, did you know we have the same beta? lol.