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Penname: ainsleyhayes [ Contact]
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Status: Member
Member Since: February 08, 2009
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Summary: Now, I love every single one of the Twilight characters, especially angsty, overprotective Edward, but let's face it - sometimes they can go overboard. This is a parody of the characters' personalities.
Categories: Eclipse, Crackfic Characters: Alice, Bella, Carlisle, Edward, Emmett, Esme, Jasper, Mike, Rosalie
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 6 Completed: No
Word count: 6030
[Report This] Published: August 26, 2008 Updated: September 18, 2008
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed 
Date: February 12, 2009
Title: Chapter 6: Chapter 6
I actually want to lick you right now. Is that weird? I hope that's not weird. But yeah. This is fucking hilarious. I would pay money to see this performed, swear to god I would. Thanks so much for writing it - seriously, you just made my month. :)
Summary: Bella Swan was your average woman working for a publishing company. She was certain that she was destined to be alone for eternity, much to her mother's dismay. However, two very different yet very similar men happen to walk into her life and change everything.
Hilarity and sex ensue. Loosely based on the movie, "Bridget Jones’s Diary".
An awesome collaboration between XShear (Seducing Edward, Unknown & Smut Series) and kARLOTITA09 (Forever is Where We Meet).
Banner made by MrsC.
Categories: AU-Human Characters: Alice, Angela, Bella, Carlisle, Charlie, Edward, Emmett, Esme, Lauren, Renee, Rosalie
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 23 Completed: Yes
Word count: 132703
[Report This] Published: October 18, 2008 Updated: August 16, 2009
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: May 07, 2009
Title: Chapter 15: Chapter Fifteen - The Hamptons, Continued
Okay, I call MEAN. Mean mean mean! You can't give us a little tiny taste of Bella getting double-teamed by the Edwards and then just... cockblock us! That is just mean. However, I love how this story is progressing (even without the Edward!Bros!Afternoon!Delight)... thank you so much for writing!
Summary: 
2009 Nominee, Best AU AH, Most Romantic Moment, Indie TwiFic Awards
2009 Nominee, Character You Wish Was Real (Jasper), The Faithful Shipper Awards
A small-town music store... Several music-obsessed slackers with a penchant for sexual misadventures, disastrous love lives and a little too much alcohol... Customers with horrible taste in CDs... Thousands in missing cash deposits... and Carlisle's not even supposed to be here today!
Disc Jockeys is the story of Velvet Records, one of the few remaining independent music stores in Washington State. From shoplifters to has-been singers, from franchise threats to the complicated love lives of the inhabitants within, the employees of Velvet handle it all, under the watchful gaze of Carlisle, their long-suffering manager.
This AU, AH is a spoof of Empire Records blended with healthy cynicism of the Clerks vein. If you haven't seen Empire Records, have no fear; this fic assumes you haven't the faintest idea what "Damn The Man - Save The Empire!" means (but SEE IT because it's an awesome flick).
This fic is rated NC-17 for underage drinking, drug use, sexy naughty times, dark issues including sexual assault and abuse and language. Slightly OOC for some players, canon pairings apply (eventually).
SPIN THE VELVET RECORD STORE PLAYLIST HERE
Categories: AU-Human Characters: Alice, Bella, Carlisle, Edward, Emmett, Esme, Jacob, James, Jasper, Rosalie
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 27 Completed: Yes
Word count: 117000
[Report This] Published: November 10, 2008 Updated: June 05, 2009
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: February 12, 2009
Title: Chapter 16: Rest In Pieces
Okay, I'm still in the process of reading, but I know I'll forget, so I had to drop a quick note:
I want to have your babies for the mention of Patty Griffin and 'Burgundy Shoes'. I hope that's okay with you. Anyway. I'ma keep reading, because this is fucking fantastic.
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: February 12, 2009
Title: Chapter 23: Sugarhigh
Hot damn this is a freaking amazing story. And this? Homina. Really just... yum. I wish I could elaborate for you, because your story truly deserves it, but it's 2:00am, and I read this baby nonstop, and I's tired! Please trust me when I say that this was thoroughly unique, enjoyable, and... yum. Thanks so much for writing! Author's Response: The fact you kept up til 2am reading says it all. So very very glad you've enjoyed it! Hopefully the first epilogue brings some joy.
Summary: Bella travels to Alaska to vacation in the cabin Alice loaned her. What happens when Bella finds out she is not the only person staying in the cabin? 
Categories: AU-Human Characters: Alice, Bella, Edward, Jacob, Jasper
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 29 Completed: Yes
Word count: 88293
[Report This] Published: November 28, 2008 Updated: January 01, 2010
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: February 13, 2009
Title: Chapter 20: Bella's Turn Part I
You have officially spoiled me for all men. You bitch! :-P But really, I'm seriously considering running away to a snowy cabin somewhere, waiting for my very own Edward Cullen to show up and throw me down on a twister mat/dining room table. No, really. Really.
Really.
Say, as for any other shenanigans our amorous avalached lovers (I really wanted to keep that alliteration going for you, sorry) could get into, I forget: is there a piano in the cabin? Where our dashing lothario could practice his skills, and by skills, I mean sexin'-Bella-up-on-top-of-a-piano? Even whilst snowed in on vacation, you must keep in practice. ;-)
Thank you so much for writing - whenever you can! - even if you have solidified my future as the crazy lady with 15 cats, all a variation of the name 'Edward.'
Summary: 
Four weeks before her wedding to Edward, Bella is frustrated. She knows there's little-to-no chance of getting him to bend his rules and boundaries now, but there's no harm in fantasizing about what could happen later. So she begins compiling a list of things that she and Edward can do together once they're happily married. She's surprised to find she might be able to cross some things off earlier than she thought...
Story contains mature themes and is not intended for younger readers.
Thanks to Mandi, aka m81170, for the great banner!
Categories: Post-Eclipse Characters: Alice, Bella, Carlisle, Charlie, Edward, Emmett, Esme, Jasper, Rosalie
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 28 Completed: Yes
Word count: 187877
[Report This] Published: December 28, 2008 Updated: March 18, 2010
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: February 23, 2009
Title: Chapter 12: Chapter 12: Words and Letters
Holy... wha... fuck! This is... divine. Sinful. Delicious. Like... please note the use of countless ellipses (...'s) in this review - I'm usually rather coherent, but this has reduced me to a stuttering, mindless fool. Seriously, this is ridiculously fantastic. Damn. Thank you so much for writing - you got skillz. Author's Response: I like how you used adjectives that might also be applied to an incredibly divine, sinfully delicious dessert. Yummy. You are so very welcome!
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: February 25, 2009
Title: Chapter 13: Chapter 13: Teasing
Sweet merciful Jebus. You successfully found a way to make menstruation freaking HOT. Dear Lord. I can't wait until their weekend - holy shit. Just how many of those list items will dear Bella be able to cross off? :-P
Seriously, this is just... yummy. I hope you feel better soon! Take care of yourself! Author's Response: Well, not everyone agrees, but I sure do and I'm glad you do too! Thanks for your review!!
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: March 26, 2009
Title: Chapter 16: Chapter 16: The Weekend, Part II
Every time I get an alert in my inbox that this story has been updated, I find myself doing a happy dance around my computer - the sad thing is, I'm totally not exaggerating. This story is so full of emotion, humor, sexytimes, and... awesomeness... that I reread the whole thing every time you update. No joke. It is beyond spectacular, and this chapter is no exception. You take so much care in crafting the storyline and making it perfect, that you could go without updating for months and I would still be indescribably giddy over this story. Thank you so much for taking the time to write for us readers - you are truly appreciated!
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: April 04, 2009
Title: Chapter 17: Chapter 17: The Weekend, Part III
*blink* *blink* Um... all coherence has fled me, so I'm afraid this review is going to be pretty useless... and damn, I need to go to work in 5 minutes, with this in my brain! Another spectacular chapter, with another item crossed off the list, right? I loved how tempted Edward was to say 'screw the wedding' (heh, no pun intended), and how Bella managed to bring him back, even though she wanted it as much as he did. Though I am loathe to admit it, I'm glad they decided to wait. The shenanigans they're getting into without fully sealing the deal are certainly more than stimulating! Thanks so much for writing!
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: April 22, 2009
Title: Chapter 19: Chapter 19: 7 Days
Seriously, you call ANYTHING about the delivery of this chapter bad news? Clearly, you and I have sufficiently differing opinions on 'bad news,' because an update with a) sexytimes, b) Edward finding her list and inciting said sexytimes and c) the promise of not only another chapter but also more sexy sexytimes? That is really, really, really not bad news to me. That's... Christmas in April, is what that is. I am amazed at how you consistently deliver such excellent quality of work. Thank you so much for writing!
Summary: Alternate Universe with vampires. Bella and Edward meet under different circumstances. With nothing to stop him from taking what he wants, will he find the strength to overcome his bloodlust and fall in love?
Categories: AU Characters: Edward
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 4 Completed: No
Word count: 8297
[Report This] Published: January 04, 2009 Updated: February 10, 2009
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: October 08, 2009
Title: Chapter 3: Lust
Holy crap. This is just... freaking HOT. I love the writing style you've employed here, and despite - or perhaps because of - the simplicity (I mean your the 'just-the-facts' style, not that the writing is at all... simple) the connection you've created between these two characters is beyond compelling. I'm going to the next chapter now, but I felt like I needed to review this chapter. This is incredible!
Summary: 
*Banner by time_lights over at Livejournal*
When Bella goes to live with her father in Forks, things go much better than she expected. At least until a slick parking lot, a careening van, a broken arm, and her weird lab partner from biology get in the way...
Categories: AU-Human Characters: Alice, Angela, Bella, Carlisle, Charlie, Edward, Emmett, Esme, Jacob, Jasper, Jessica, Mike, Renee, Rosalie
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 24 Completed: No
Word count: 112401
[Report This] Published: January 23, 2009 Updated: December 17, 2011
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: February 07, 2010
Title: Chapter 19: Invitations and Bathroom Visitations
Okay, so somehow... I just totally missed this update. And here it is, February... and I am finally reading this and laughing like an idiot and absolutely loving it. This was the most ridiculously awkward, painfully sweet, and utterly REAL thing I've read in a long time. Good God, do I remember (and still occasionally experience) the awkwardness of crushes, and boys, and boys who may or may not have crushes, and the absolute paranoia and overanalysis and emotional floundering that goes on, and sweet Lord did you capture that, here. Reading this chapter, I was transported back to ninth grade, when I asked Jason Miller if he wanted to go to the dance, and he looked at me and asked, "What, you mean with you?" So... aside from reminding me of that particular trauma of my youth, I absolutely loved this chapter :-P. Sorry that I'm so slow on the update uptake. Thank you so much for writing - this absolutely made my night! Author's Response: Thank you :)
I'm glad you're enjoying it, even if it does dredge up some painful memories.
Summary: 
Edward reveals a secret from his human time which leaves Bella shocked and wondering just how well she knows the man she is about to marry.
This is very much an Edward and Bella love story.
Thank you angel-gidget for the banner!
Categories: Post-Eclipse Characters: Bella
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 24 Completed: Yes
Word count: 256624
[Report This] Published: February 07, 2009 Updated: December 19, 2009
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: June 20, 2009
Title: Chapter 16: Chapter 16: Protector and Provider
Okay, I'm an utter crap reviewer, but this chapter compelled me to give you SOMETHING. This story is so unique, so touching... it is excellent. I love this less... macabre? telling of a human/vampire pregnancy. Edward's attitude, really, the whole family's attitudes, toward the baby seem so much more in characterfor the people that Stephanie Meyer created. So... I just wanted to drop a line and let you know that I truly appreciate all of the work you've put into this story - it shows, and it definitely pays off! Author's Response: Wow, thanks very much. I'm glad you're enjoying the story and I appreciate your comments and feedback very much. I always wondered what Edward would be like with a happy pregnancy and that kind of prompted this story. Thanks again!
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: June 30, 2009
Title: Chapter 17: Chapter 17: Baths and Baby Showers
This chapter was absolutely hilarious. My favorite line? "My father was a baby shower enabler! And now the wolves wanted to show support for the half vampire, half human baby. It was like being in a parallel universe. I needed a moment." Hehe. And the boys were just too funny. This is such an excellent story! Thank you so much for writing! Author's Response: I'm glad it gave you a laugh. Thanks for letting me know and for reading - I appreciate it.
Summary: What if Bella hadn't moved her junior year with her father. Instead she moved with her mother to Florida. Upon visting her father before leaving for college she encounters two members of the Cullen Family. Alice's vision tells her that Bella would change their lives forever.
Edward's first encounter with Bella is 30,000 feet in the air on the way to Darthmouth. With no means of escape will he be able to resist the temptation of her blood? Or will he bring the whole plane down for a taste?
~Edward's POV: Chapter 2
I closed my eyes to listen to the tones of voices around me. I heard at least one hundred passengers. It would be a massacre. Could I really justify destroying all the lives of everyone on this plane just to taste her blood?
Categories: AU Characters: Alice, Bella, Carlisle, Edward, Emmett, Esme, Jacob, James, Jasper, Rosalie
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 18 Completed: No
Word count: 71150
[Report This] Published: February 17, 2009 Updated: May 15, 2010
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: February 26, 2009
Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 2 Resistance is Futile
:-O! Plot twist! That is excellent! I love that Bella figured it out for herself - smart cookie! Or, not, you know, since she's making BFFs with the hungry vampire, but... book smart. Not street smart. Can't wait to see where this is going! Thank you for writing!
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: March 06, 2009
Title: Chapter 6: Chapter 6 Rising
Oooh! This is really great - this is an awesome twist! I am extremely excited for Edward's... less than pure thoughts. Seriously, this story is fantastic - great character development, clever plot twists... smoochin'! Dang, you got it all! Thanks so much for writing! This is excellent!
Summary: 
Edward Cullen needs to pass Statistics. Bella Swan is his tutor. She thinks he's a flighty, arrogant--albeit sexy--asshole, and he thinks she's Bipolar, but tries to win her over, anyway.
Can he change her mind, or do first impressions really last?
Thanks to my baby momma, Maximista, for the banner! <3
Categories: AU-Human Characters: Alice, Bella, Ben, Edward, Emmett, Jacob, Other Character, Rosalie
Challenges: Series: Always Human
Chapters: 34 Completed: No
Word count: 258464
[Report This] Published: February 20, 2009 Updated: January 14, 2011
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: April 26, 2009
Title: Chapter 11: Chapter 10: Busty & the Burro
Um, can I marry Renee? Cause I think I want to marry her. And I want an innappropriate nickname! Why do my friends suck? Anyway... I really love this story. Really do. Thank you so much for writing!
Summary: 
He's a young but jaded keyboard player writing lyrics for his band, Breaking Dawn, and she's a naive and frustrated poet looking to break out of her shell; their words collide on-line.
What happens when they meet in high school, unaware of their literary connection?
OOC, canon at heart.
Banner by FatApolloLove
Categories: AU-Human Characters: None
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 37 Completed: Yes
Word count: 146168
[Report This] Published: February 22, 2009 Updated: August 26, 2009
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: April 04, 2009
Title: Chapter 11: Ghost Stories
Crap, I love this story. It's just... masterful what you've done. Thank you so much for writing.
T-Shirt: I *heart* Jim (from The Office)
Summary: 
Bella takes a vacation to Hilton Head Island in South Carolina to meet Alice's new boyfriend, Jasper. Rosalie and Emmett come along, too, just in case Bella didn't feel like enough of a fifth wheel. With Jasper's roommate out of town, Bella has his nice big bed all to herself. Until Edward comes home in the middle of the night...
Beautiful banner by the awesome achelle131
Categories: AU-Human Characters: Alice, Bella, Edward, Emmett, Jacob, Jasper, Rosalie
Challenges: Series: Always Human , SMUT - Best of the Best - Edward and Bella
Chapters: 36 Completed: Yes
Word count: 163211
[Report This] Published: March 01, 2009 Updated: December 21, 2011
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: April 04, 2009
Title: Chapter 7: Chapter 7 Sweet Tea & the Southern Inquisition (V)
Okay, first of all, I let out a gleeful (really loud) FUCK! whilst reading this chapter. You know why? My real name is Molly Kate. So... I was really excited when I read the baby's name, thus prompting the loud expletive that probably woke my family from sleep. If for any reason you ever need a nickname for the little bugger, my family called me Tater Tot. And Thunderthighs, but that had less to do with my name and more to do with my rolls of baby fat.
E.J. is absolutely adorable. He was such a real little kid! Get little kids started on Pokemon... "And there's this one and he does this, and there's this one and he does this, and this yellow one does this..." but they're cute and adorable so you let them ramble. Will E.J. ever get revenge on Uncle Edward? The whole family scene was excellent!
As to the comment that some feel this is going too fast? In RL, it might be ill-advised and impulsive. But... this is teh Edward/Bella, and they just... work.
You are fabulous, and thank you for writing. If you put more of that baby in the story somehow, I may just run around my neighborhood in my pajamas at midnight. Geez this was a thoroughly useless review. you get cookies just for making it all the way through. ;-) Author's Response: This was so NOT a useless review! You made me laugh! My best friend from high school named her daughter Molly Kate--that was the first time I had heard it and I loved it, so it popped into my head when I was thinking of a name for Kate and Garrett's baby. And don't feel bad--my family called me Butterball when I was a baby because of my fat little legs.
And the Pokemon Kid? That's my son and he is completely obsessed. He's the model for E.J. and his conversational skills. You're right about the rambling. Sometimes it's cute and sometimes I have to beg for mercy. :) Oh and E.J. did get revenge remember? He shot Uncle Edward with a Super Soaker full of ice water.
Well, I'm going to have to work Baby Molly Kate into the story some more. Be on the lookout and prepared to run around the neighborhood in your PJs!
Thanks for the great review!
Paige
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: October 06, 2009
Title: Chapter 23: Chapter 23 Outtake: Tattoo You
Sweet mother of fuck. This is the most hilarious thing I have read in a damn long time. The drunks were absolutely adorable, and Esme is absolutely fantastic. You know that Carlisle was just laughing in the background, praying that they went through with it.
Ah... excellent. Thank you so much for writing!
Summary: When a virgin is kidnapped in the jungles of Isle Esme, a daring anthropologist rushes in to the rescue. But will they be able to escape the island before falling victim to the predators, natives, and pirates? AH EdwardxBella
Categories: AU-Human Characters: Bella, Edward
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 21 Completed: Yes
Word count: 34386
[Report This] Published: March 03, 2009 Updated: April 23, 2009
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: March 11, 2009
Title: Chapter 5: Chapter 5
This is absolutely freaking fantastic. I love this Anthropologist Bella and Virgin Sacrifice Edward. I can't wait to see what kind of shenanigans these two will get themselves into! Hope to read more soon! ;-) Thank you so much for writing!
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: March 14, 2009
Title: Chapter 6: Chapter 6
I am literally giggling and clapping right now. De-virginize the virgin! Make him a man! Screw the prudery (btw - great word, I will straight away add it to my vernacular!) right out of him! Awesome. Can't wait for more! Thank you so much for writing!
Summary: 
Edward, Bella and the gang are adults living in Seattle. Edward and Bella meet due to a klutzy accident in the restaurant where she works. Bella's ovaries love Edward and they voice their opinions quite often. There's an instant attraction between them, but Bella notices there's something that's troubling Edward.
Lovely banner made by famouslyso...because she rocks.
Categories: AU-Human Characters: Bella, Edward
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 40 Completed: Yes
Word count: 240878
[Report This] Published: March 16, 2009 Updated: October 03, 2010
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: April 01, 2009
Title: Chapter 3: Chapter 3: The Obligatory Bella Barbie Chapter
This one time, our car broke down, and my mom gave me a Snickers bar and a can of Coke. I towed the car home. When we got home, I was tired.
Okay, onto the real review! I just can't let a Philip the Hyper-Hypo reference go unlauded. Nor can my favorite imaginary fighting move (the palm-to-forehead, windmill-arms classic, which I implemented when staging an epic girlfight in a production of A Midsummer Night's Dream) go ignored. This whole story is absolutely made of win. The Bella you have created is just... so freaking hilarious. Her inner monologue, aka The Ovaries, is quick-witted, sarcastic, and so smart. Even when under Edward's 'sexytime tractor beam' - which, by the way, is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever heard.
So... thank you for writing, and for putting up with this ridiculously long and irrelevant review wherein you learned more about me than you ever needed to know. Author's Response: Loved the Hyper Hypo Quote... I just remember him eating a chocolate bar and pulling the jungle gym all the way home! I'm so glad you're enjoying the fic. I love you for saying this story is made of win!
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: April 21, 2009
Title: Chapter 8: Chapter 8: Shake and Bake
Jeebus! You could update in 500 word bursts, and The Girls would still have me clutching my ovaries with glee every time. So... what can I bribe you with? I had a professor who accepted bribes on degree of how badly you were failing: C - an iPod; D - a pug puppy; F - an iPug (which is, apparently, a pug puppy that will sing songs). So... I want this next chapter so badly that I will give you an iPug, and teach it all of your favorite songs. So please don't be a cockblock and withhold the treats. Think of the iPugs. I trust you'll do the right thing.
Reviewer: ainsleyhayes Signed
Date: January 01, 2010
Title: Chapter 24: Chapter 24: Come and Go as You Please
Ahahaha. Seriously, you are genius. Family-gatherings, hot sex, and Dr. Reid all in one massive update? I am a happy girl. Thanks so much for writing. (Happy New Year!)
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