*

I’ve had enough

Of stuff

And now it’s time to think about me.

And you can easily gamble your life away

Second after second

And day by day.

*

I didn’t even know why I was here. Carlisle usually let me do what I wanted. And for six months now, that’s what I’d been doing. Refusing to see anyone. Thinking. Upsetting my family. If Jasper thought it was bad feeling everyone’s feelings, he should have heard the disappointment in my family members’ thoughts these past months. It was almost enough to force me out of my depression. Almost. 

“I’m sorry Edward. I will always love you, but Jacob is a real future for me. I‘m with him, I won‘t ever have to say goodbye to Charlie or Renee.” Her eyes glistened with tears. I raised a hand to brush them away but she turned her head, as if protectively from me. Bella, my Bella, was protecting herself from me. Why was this happening? Why, when the love I felt for her burned brighter than every star that was emblazoned in the sky, did she choose another to be with? Because you told her she could, said a small part of me. And then she said the words that ripped me apart, “Please Edward, it’s what I want.” 

The memory made me wince. I had never known the one I loved could be so… so… different. I couldn’t even say her name in my head without feeling another piece of my heart shatter. I turned my attention back to the simple algebraic equation that was written on the whiteboard in front of me. Well, it wasn’t exactly simple but I already knew the entire syllabus for this year’s work. And next year’s work for that matter. All these thoughts took about three seconds to rush through my head. Never think, I told myself. 

Are you ok man? I heard Emmett’s thoughts and made a small nod of my head. I reached up and completed the equation quickly. I really hated standing up in class but the female teacher, Ms Crixon,  had already developed a liking for me and picked on me whenever she could. I sat back in my chair and shot a glance at Jasper. He looked concerned. Well of course he did, he could feel what I was feeling right now. 

You know, you should get some of these questions wrong. Just so we look even a little bit human. Emmett smirked, trying to get me to laugh at his joke but I didn’t laugh these days. He should have known that by now. I rolled my eyes slightly, just to make him happy, and the bell rang. We all stood up and made our way into the corridor. 

“Let’s go meet Rose and Alice,” said Jasper, quietly. We walked along the hallways in silence until we saw the girls waiting outside the lunch room. 

“Hi guys!” Alice practically bounced out of her small body. Edward! She thought to me,

Edward! That girl you wrote the note to - . She was cut off as Rosalie pushed open the double doors into the canteen and every single body in the room turned to gape at us. There was a silence of thoughts. Complete silence as every pair of eyes in the room took in our pale figures. They hadn’t even started judging us. The silence seemed to drag on forever, pressing into my ears. And then I heard; Why is life so fricking odd?

The corners of my lips turned unwillingly into a small smile. The first one in months. And it was because of the girl who had been on the roof, who was sitting by herself in a corner of the cafeteria. I turned to Alice as I realised this is what she must have meant and she shot me a small smile. Humans wouldn’t have managed to see the interchange, they had already turned back to gossiping about their pathetic, materialistic lives. This school would be just like the others. Except for Forks. 

Stalker, Roof Girl thought bitterly, Like I don’t have enough to deal with. The entire school thinks I’m on crack and now the “family” that tried to kill me the other night is planning to share some of my classes. Great. Just great. But what grade could they be in? I tuned out her thoughts and as I scanned the room, I noticed the only spare seats were at her table. She looked around herself frantically and evidently realised what I just had too. A look of pure dread came over her face. 

Oh my God. Oh my God. They could kill me at any moment. RUN; THESE PEOPLE ARE MURDERERS. I rolled my eyes slightly. So she was still set on her serial killer theory then. Jasper shouldn’t have said that in the first place. It was really quite stupid. But also quite humorous. We walked over to the table and all sat down at the same time, I wondered if Roof Girl had noticed that. 

Should we pretend that we weren’t on the roof? Alice looked at me with wary eyes. I nodded my head and cast my eyes down to the pile of spaghetti carbonara in my bowl. Any human would have eaten it as soon as they could, it was of a high quality. However, I eyed it with disgust; I was definitely not in the mood for human nourishment.  

No one spoke. No one even breathed, apart from Roof Girl.  

They don’t want to dirty themselves with me. I heard her bitter thoughts and looked up at her but she was already getting up from the table.  

Where’s she going? Alice sounded worried. I hope we haven’t scared her off. 

I need the library. I heard Roof Girl’s thoughts across the hall. 

“She’s going to the library,” I said quietly. Rosalie giggled. What a loser. I turned to Rosalie and shook my head slightly. Why did she treat everyone she met with such contempt? I began to stand up, scraping my chair back. 

And where are you going exactly? Alice raised an eyebrow at me. I ignored her and made my way to the washing up station where I dumped my tray and started to walk briskly out of the doors. I wasn’t really sure of where I was going.

I soon ended up in a deserted corridor of the school. A sign in front of me read “Library - to your right”. I took the right and pushed lightly on the double doors that met me. It smelt like the classics.  From Austen to Tolstoy, they would all be here. It felt like coming home. I could see Roof Girl curled into a ball and reading what looked like a Georgette Heyer novel. I made my way to the ‘K’ section and walked up and down the aisle, pretending to look at books while actually listening to this strange girl’s thoughts. 

Hmmm… someone like him isn’t usually in the library, I wonder what he’s up to. The librarian eyed me warily from the check-out desk and I rolled my eyes. This confirmed my suspicions that the school was full of rich brats. The teachers evidently knew that too. In the heavy silence, I heard a sharp intake of breath. 

Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no.  It’s one of them. It was Roof Girl. Why was she so afraid of me? Why did I care? I walked past the ‘I’ and ‘J’ sections until I was standing right in front of her. Another gasp as she looked up at me. 

“Excuse me - I…” she trailed off. His eyes are beautiful. What colour is that? Honey? Delicious? I rolled my eyes. I must have been setting the world record for most eye-rolls in a day now. They were all so shallow. Was every girl like this? Did every girl think only in materialistic terms? Of course, there was one girl who I would never get the answer from. And I probably wouldn’t be able to see her without having a complete mental breakdown. Maybe it was wrong of me to judge all these people like this. Maybe… maybe… maybe Bella had had these thoughts too. No, Bella was not shallow, how could I even think these thoughts? 

What the..? How the..? Wait a minute, how dare he invade my property like this?! The library is my territory and everyone should know that, even new glamazons who are secretly serial killers. 

“You must be new here,” she made an attempt at a smile, “Only junior librarians are allowed in at this stage of lunch.” I saw straight through her weak lie. 

“That’s not true.” My voice was soft but I made sure she heard me. 

“And how would you know that?” She unconsciously raised her eyebrows.

I may be the school loner but at least I can stick up for myself, she thought. Did she pull out every single cliché in the book? 

“I asked the librarian if I could come in.” I knew she wouldn’t sniff out my lie, plus the librarian would probably have confirmed it if Roof Girl had asked her. 

Damn him. Him - 1, Me - 0. She stood up quickly, gathering her belongings in a messy heap. She squared her shoulders and looked me straight in the eye. 

“What exactly is your problem?” It was odd. The question was so simple, the answer so easy, but I couldn’t seem to say anything. I wanted to say something like “to which problem do you refer?” or maybe “I have numerous” but I just stood there like a mute. 

Ha! He wasn’t expecting that from me. Yeah, that’s right, I’m tougher than I look. I suddenly wanted to laugh. This girl thought she was tough. Tough because I was unable to say anything. What a stupid girl. She seemed to think she had everything right. Oh yes, I wanted to laugh very badly. 

“I don’t believe I have one,” I technically wasn’t lying. For one moment, I didn’t believe I had one. And then the second was over. 

“So why were you on the roof of my apartment?” She remembered. She remembered. What could this mean? Would she work out what we were? I listened anxiously to her thoughts for an answer. 

Oh he definitely wasn’t expecting that one. Him - 1, me - 1. I relaxed slightly and gathered my complexion. I kept my face expressionless apart from raising one eyebrow as I said, 

“Excuse me? I have no idea what you’re talking about.” She seemed to recoil at my answer. 

Why is he lying? And then she yelled in her thoughts, I’M THE SCHOOL LONER REMEMBER, I keep everything to myself. Who could I tell? Does he honestly expect me not to remember that night? Oh God, maybe he wasn’t on the roof and I just embarrassed myself in front of a complete stranger. I listened to her monologue in slight amusement. Saying only a little, I had convinced her to question her own sanity. It was hilarious to an on-looker, or hearer in this case. She made a small shake of her head and stormed off. I heard her thoughts loudly as she went. 

We can continue our little war later. She does a lot of talking to me in her head, I noted. Maybe she’s testing me to see if I respond to her thoughts at all.

Why oh why did I write that note? Because you never thought you’d see her again, said a voice in my head. Could vampires suffer from schizophrenia? My train of thought was interrupted as I heard a loud voice from outside. 

“Excuse me, Alice?” Now she was attacking the rest of the family. Great.  “I think your brother or whoever is an arrogant, obnoxious prick, whatever his name is.” Oh did she now?  

Edward, what did you do to this girl? I heard Alice’s thoughts clearly and smiled. I made my way towards the exit to go and talk to her. I could see Alice's eyes glaze over in the Roof Girl’s thoughts and I knew the signs well enough to know Alice was having a vision. 

What a pack of stoners, thought Roof Girl before she stormed down the hallway childishly. Act your age, I thought about Roof Girl, not your shoe size. I leaped up the stairs leading out of the library and raised an eyebrow at Alice. 

“I did nothing,” I shrugged my shoulders at Alice, “that seems to be her normal attitude.” Alice nodded vacantly. And then the thoughts of her vision hit me. 

Amelia leaned in and pressed her lips to Edward’s. He pulled back and a mixture of confusion and hurt clouded Amelia’s eyes.  

“Sorry,” he sighed and was met with a silence. Amelia shook her head and stood up quickly. Edward grabbed her hand gently.

“Wait.” 

The vision finished and I stood rooted to the spot. It was Roof Girl. Roof Girl was Amelia. Amelia… I… what? How could this be? I had made no decision to be with Amelia. In fact, it seemed she had done quite the opposite. I took a deep breath. Alice’s visions were highly subject to change. Alice had seen Bella as either killed by me or as a vampire and neither one of those had happened. Yes. It would all be fine. All fine. 

“Edward?” Alice’s voice brought me back to the real world. I straightened up and rolled my shoulders. 

“That means nothing, Alice. Nothing.” I clenched my jaw. I would make it mean nothing. Alice looked at me strangely.  

I never said it would - 

“Nothing, Alice.” I began to walk down the hallway, it was time for lessons. Alice kept pace with me easily and I glowered at her from the corner of my eye. We reached the space outside the cafeteria when Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie spotted us. Jasper’s eyes flew to my face and his thoughts flew to my mind. 

Edward, what happened? You’re feeling self-hatred. 

That would make sense, wouldn’t it now? I hated myself every single day. I hated myself for getting involved with Bella. I hated myself for feeling the jealousy that I did toward Jacob. And I hated myself for being in existence. Because the world would have been a hell of a lot better off without me. I felt everyone’s eyes on me. The rest of the day would drag. 

The rest of the day did drag. It dragged more than I thought was possible. When we finally got back to the London townhouse, I felt exhausted. Exhausted of everything.

I made my way to Carlisle’s room. I needed to talk to him more than anyone else. I paused outside the door for a moment before a soft “come in” issued from the room. 

“Carlisle,” I began, “I think we should relocate.” 

“What?” He looked up at me, a crease began in his brow, “Edward, we just got here. I had my first day at the hospital today and I am enjoying it. Why in God’s name would you want to leave?” 

“Alice had a vision… about me… and a human girl.” 

In what kind of circumstances? His thoughts came into my head but I made no attempt to answer them. I took all my strength to say the one word that summed it up. 

“Romantic.”