I was surrounded by soft whites; white snow on the ground outside the window, white flowers, white candles, white ribbons, white lights, and most importantly, white dresses.
Sitting at the wedding party table, I watched as my daughter smiled and kissed her new husband. I'd lost count, now, of exactly how many times they'd leaned in, grinning like they'd won the lottery, and tenderly pressed their lips together. The guests were having way too much fun with those “ring for a kiss” bells on the tables. Fortunately, I don't think either the bride or the groom minded.
My attention shifted from the happy couple to the live band when a familiar, but unexpected song began to play. Oh, my wonderful husband. I vaguely heard him approach and saw the gleam in his eye as he reached for my hand. Before he even spoke his request for the next dance, my mind had traveled back in time. I felt myself 25 years younger and could almost smell the rain in the Forks, Washington air.
“I have absolutely no intention of getting involved right now, mom. I just graduated and I've got to work and save for college. There's just not time for a relationship in the mix. Not to mention, there is a serious and pathetic lack of boyfriend material anywhere in the area.” I tried not to whine into the phone at my overly enthusiastic mother, but we'd had this conversation before. She wanted me to “experience everything; not let things pass me by.” She was more of a teenager than I ever was.
I'd moved to Forks from Arizona a few years ago to live with my dad, the local police chief. He and I got along great, but we were very low maintenance. We talked some each day, but mostly we did our own thing. I had a few good friends and a part time job. It was all a college bound girl needed, right?
As our hands touched, I was brought back to the present, back to my romantic husband who'd asked the band to play our song. He was waiting for me to stand and go to the dance floor with him. The expectant look on his face took me, once again, into our past.
“Bella, Mike's tied up with a customer on the phone, would you mind helping the young man in the front drive up area load his camping equipment? He's already got the tent outside, but he needs those boxes by the front door taken out to him.” My friend Mike's parent's owned the outdoor gear store I worked in. It was sometimes a boring job, but it paid decent, and they were nice people.
“Not a problem, I'm on my way,” I replied, grabbing the lanterns, thermal blankets, cookware, and other assorted items. Two trips to begin with would have been a good idea. Instead I tried for one trip with the stack, and got the second trip when I literally fell into the surprised arms of the customer.
“Well now, I don't remember ordering you. And trust me, I would have remembered that,” the customer said as he held me up. Boxes were everywhere but he didn't seem to mind, or even notice. He looked right at me and smiled. Not a “making fun” smile, but a genuinely happy smile that lit up his emerald green eyes. It was the kind of smile that lives in every girl's dreams, whether she knows it or not.
With my hand in his, he gently lifted me from my chair, his bright eyes sparkling. His face was as happy now as it was the day our lives together began.
“Edward, it's raining, we're soaking wet and you're going to catch a flu! We have to run!” My boyfriend had lost his mind, he was just standing there getting drenched. It was our three month dating “anniversary” and he'd insisted on taking me out somewhere special. Somewhere special ended up being his kitchen, where he cooked my favorite meal that we ate on a blanket out in the meadow behind his house. The day was absolutely perfect, I should have known it wouldn't last. Before we made it all the way back to his house, thunder shook the sky and rain started to fall.
“Bella, put the basket down, and for goodness sake, PLEASE don't run! The rain is fine, you breaking your ankle on a tree root would not be fine.” He had enough sense not to laugh out loud, but I could hear the chuckle in his voice. I couldn't even be upset with him for it, because he was right. If I took off running, I'd end up in the emergency room. Instead, I stopped, dropped the almost empty food basket I was carrying, closed my eyes and let the cool rain wash down on me.
“See, now doesn't that feel nice?” Edward whispered into my ear as he wrapped his wet arms around me. I nodded into his chest, agreeing more to the way I felt in his embrace than being in the rain. Three months was all it took for me to go from not wanting a relationship to being completely in love with someone. It didn't make sense, and it scared me to think he didn't feel the same, but it was the truth.
“I'm sorry that it rained during our picnic time, but I have something to tell you and I think this helps make my point. I know you've got college plans, and I know this is really soon compared to some relationships, but you need to know how I feel. I'm in love with you, Bella. I love you and it doesn't matter to me if the sun is shining and everything is going well, or if you're away at school, busy, and I'm missing you like crazy. I'm still going to love you, and I'm going to wait for you. I plan on being in your life forever, Bella, you are the most important part of my future.” My head was still resting on his chest and I could feel his heartbeat racing as he held me and waited for some kind of response.
In that moment, every fear I had fell away, every hesitation I had in sharing my feelings was gone. He loved me, he wanted me no matter what. The rain camoflauged my tears as I lifted my face and opened my eyes.
“I love you, too, Edward. More than I ever imagined I could. Thank you for today.” I had never seen anyone's face so full of pure joy. I could feel the smile on his lips as he leaned down to kiss me. That kiss, there in the rain, was soft, and passionate, and promised a love that would last forever.
“Mrs. Cullen, will you dance with me?” I stood, with my memory of our first “I love you's” fresh in my mind, and replied, “I would love to, Mr. Cullen.” He led me out onto the empty dance floor, out to the spotlight waiting for us. Wrapping his arms around me, he swayed us gracefully to the rhythm of our song. It was a song that seemed to say exactly how we felt on another day of white dresses and dancing.
“Just because it's our wedding day doesnt mean I'm going to be any less klutzy, Edward, in fact, I'll probably be worse. Please don't make me go out there and dance in a spotlight.” I knew it wouldn't work, but I tried begging my way out of the “traditional” first dance. We'd picked a song, one that we both loved, but I had hopes that we could just play it sometime during the reception when everyone was dancing. Being the center of attention was never my thing.
“You'll be fine, my lovely Bella, I won't let anything happen to you.” He pulled me into his arms as the music started. To my surprise and utter amazement, he started to softly sing the words to me.
If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to save every day
Til eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you
If I could make days last forever
And words could make wishes come true
I'd save every day, like a treasure and then
Again, I would spend them with you
I found myself, for the second time in my life, in the arms of my incredible husband as he sang to me. Through the chorus he stopped long enough to sprinkle light kisses on my forehead and nose. We were in the spotlight, but really we were in a world all to ourselves. Just he did all those years ago, he continued singing with the second verse and ending chorus.
If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory of how
They were answered by you
But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you wanna do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go
Through time with
Before the music finished, my heart sailed back to the day that started our journey to this happy occasion, the day our love grew to a size we had never dreamed possible.
The pain was so much more than I thought it would be. Everyone tried to warn me, but nothing verbal could have prepared me for this. This excruciating pressure that just wouldn't stop, no matter how hard I pushed it just wouldn't end. I wanted to cry, I wanted to sleep. I wanted Edward to stop telling me how great I was doing and just make it all stop hurting.
“Just once or twice more, then the painful part will be over. You can do this, my love.” There was nothing but confidence and adoration in his eyes, but I just didn't feel it. I was so tired, and so ready for it all to be over. “I wish I could do more for you, but just squeeze me as hard as you need to. Scream if it helps, whatever you have to do is fine."
In the end, after a few more labored pushes, it was in absolute silence that our Renesmee entered the world. I was too exhausted to scream. I knew when I started to push that last time that it was the one. I closed my eyes listened to the doctors talk about how great she looked. I heard the first little tap, and her first breath and cries. I heard Edward gasp as he saw her for the first time and whisper to me that I should open my eyes and look at her. Again, there was no way I could have been prepared for what I felt when I finally saw her.
“Oh my precious baby girl.” Her eyes were soft brown like mine, but her head full of wayward bronze hair was all Edward. I couldn't believe how tiny she was. Yet, that little body held every ounce of love and complete devotion I could possibly muster. I knew, beyond a shadow of any doubt, that the love Edward and I felt for each other had made something beautiful, something that would go on after we were no more. She was our forever, and she would have her own forever one day as well.
The dance ended with another sweet kiss from my romantic husband. The crowd clapped and he held my hand as we walked back to our table. Passing the Bride and Groom's table, I reached out to touch my precious baby girl's face. She was radiant, and happy, and everything Edward and I hoped she would be on her special day.
It amazed me how long a road it had been, and how sometimes it wasn't always sunshine and contentment. Yes, there were many, so many, days of joy and happiness. But there were also days of rain, and bumps that nearly knocked us off course. What pulled us through was always how much we loved each other, and our sheer determination to make our love last. I knew, looking at Renesmee and Jacob, I knew they had the same kind of love.
