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Story Notes:
Twilighted Beta: psymom
Author's Chapter Notes:

Part One of the Insanity Within Vampires oneshots.

Authors Note: I completely blame Fictional Fascination for this. It's entirely her fault. There's actually a funny story behind it, but I'll put it in the end Authors Note. In a nutshell, this story is based off of the Urban Legend that if you eat too much yogurt, you get a yeast infection. We’re going to assume it to be true. xD

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or anything involving it. I do own this situation however. It is completely ridiculous, but possibly hilarious.


"Bella, will you please tell me what's wrong?" Edward's frustrated sigh drifted through the bathroom door, which I had slammed in his face and locked. He lightly pounded what I assumed was either his head or his hand against the door in a futile effort to get me to open it.

"No." I growled.

I couldn't. It was mortifying.

It was a beautifully rainy Saturday afternoon, and Charlie was out fishing with Billy. I had fallen asleep last night from Alice's relentless planning of my wedding, before I had the chance for my 'human' moments, and needed a shower when I woke this morning. I had gone in the shower, and leaned down to wash my private parts, when I noticed bright red, aggravated spots where my thighs met my female area, and on the lips. And inside of me and the slit of skin above my entrance, after getting it wet I had noticed, was slightly itchy. I, without realizing I was doing so, gasped in utter horror as I leaned forward to inspect it further, hitting my head on the wall of the shower in the process. Falling backwards, I had screamed as my legs were knocked out from under me by the barrier of the tub, and I had fallen flat on my bottom on the fluffy carpet on the floor. Immediately rising to my feet, I threw my leg up onto the counter, being more cautious when I leaned down now to further check out what the hell was going on down there.

That was when Edward started banging on the door, asking me if I was alright. I squealed and told him to stay outside. He had threatened me that if I didn’t tell him what was wrong, he’d come in. I’d hastily ran to the door, which he had just begun to gently open, and slammed it as hard as I could, locking it.

Ten minutes of Edward begging me to tell him what was wrong, and of my close examination of this rash like abomination on my body later, I had come to a conclusion.

I had a yeast infection.

But how? I showered regularly, and always made sure I was squeaky clean, considering I slept next to a vampire with a heightened sense of smell.

Then it hit me.

Alice had me on a strict nonfat diet for the past few days so I would fit into my dress, with enough carbs and calories to keep me at the weight I’m at, but whenever I was hungry, I was to eat a yogurt. And considering the small amounts of food Alice gave me, I was hungry a lot.

Which led to me eating a lot of yogurts.

Which led to a yeast infection.

A mortified groan left me, and I heard concern enter Edward’s frantic voice.

“Bella? Love? What’s going on? Are you alright?”

I looked into the mirror and rolled my eyes. I was still covered in soap.

“Yes, Edward, I’m fine. I’ll be right out. “ I paused, hesitant to ask my next question. “Could you...take me to Carlisle then?”

“Why?! Bella, are you positive you’re well?” Panic tainted his voice once more.

“Yes, Edward.” I stepped into my shower, turning the faucet on once more to rinse myself off, preparing myself for the horror and humiliation I knew was about to unfold.


After changing into a pair of simple jeans, a white camisole and an unbuttoned flannel shirt, Edward and I rode to his house in silence. My face had held a constant tomato color ever since I’d left the bathroom, and my fists were clenched tightly on the jean fabric of my knees to keep from itching where I really, really wanted to scratch.

“Bella, I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me...” Edward said, his eyebrows knitted in concern.

My face flushed even darker, and I stared out the window, unable to look at him. “It’s nothing Edward, really...”

“Then why do I have to take you to Carlisle?”

“It’s...personal, can we please just drop it?”

“Is there a problem with your menstruation? Because I hadn’t picked up the scent of that yet.”

“NO!” I shouted, my face turning completely fire engine red, absolutely humiliated. He could smell my period? Oh my god. I was going to die. I should have known, but honestly. Who wants their boyfriend smelling that? And he’d referred to it so casually, like it was nothing!

“Really Bella, if there is, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.” Edward started, good intentions in tact. I knew he was only trying to comfort me, but it only took my embarrassment to greater heights.

“Please, Edward, no,” I groaned, knocking my forehead against the glass window of his Volvo. He pressed down on the gas petal, concerned now.

As soon as Edward pulled to a stop, I was out the door in an instant, slamming it behind me in my hurry to get inside. I was fully aware that no matter where in the house all the Cullens resided, they would hear me tell Carlisle. I groaned once more.

After bursting through the front doors, I went into the kitchen, through there into one of the spare rooms, where Esme was painting. “Esme, could you kindly tell me where Carlisle is?”

“Oh, hello, Bella dear! So nice to see you!” She smiled genuinely. “He’s in his study.”

I ran as fast as I could, knowing full well I could trip and fall at any given moment, but not caring. I heard Edward, along with Alice, calling my name in confusion, before I reached my destination and slammed myself into the door, not even grimacing at the sharp pain in my shoulder as I entered the study to a surprised Carlisle.

“Well I smelled you coming Bella, but I didn’t expect such a dramatic entrance.” Carlisle chuckled, rising from his seat behind his desk.

I gulped in air, catching my breath before promptly slamming the door behind me, face still beat red. “Carlisle, I need to speak with you but it’s...” I trailed off. How on earth could I talk to my fiancée’s father about this? While said fiancée could read minds, and was only mere feet away?

“Yes?” Carlisle prompted.

Maybe I could salvage at least some of my dignity. “Could I have a piece of paper and a pen?”

At least then the whole house wouldn’t have to know.

He wordlessly handed over my request, and I quickly scribbled out five words. ‘There’s something wrong with me.’

In good humor, Carlisle gripped the pen and responded, before sliding the paper across the desk to me. ‘Very well, what is it?

I scrawled some more. ‘I’m not exactly sure.’

Carlisle frowned at my response. ‘Oh. Well, could you describe it for me? Is there something wrong with your body?’

I nodded in response, sliding the paper back to him. He continued his perfect, doctor like cursive. ‘Where is it?’

I blushed once again, before looking at the floor. Carlisle got the picture, and took the paper back, scribbling some more. But before I could see what he wrote, the door was flung open once more.

“Bella? Carlisle, is she alright? She won’t tell me what the issue is!” Edward cried, striding in.

“She’s quite alright Edward, we were just getting to the bottom of the problem.” Carlisle coolly answered, and I saw Edward stare at his makeshift father for a moment before slight embarrassment crossed his beautiful features, before turning into relief. He turned to me.

“Oh Bella, you could have told me something was wrong with...” He decided it wise not to finish that.

Good choice.

“Edward, please.” I muttered, before standing up and rushing out of the study.

Edward ran after me, intercepting me in the hall and gently gripping my arms. “Love, relax. It’s very common-”

“Edward!” I gasped, not wanting him to chase after me. This was horrible! Horrifying! There was no way I was going to live through this! I flung myself up the stairs, headed towards Edwards room.


An hour later, Edward and I sat awkwardly on the end of the massive bed, about a foot of space between us.

Finally, Edward couldn’t take it anymore. “Bella, please tell me-”

“No!” I hissed, crossing my arms defiantly below my breasts and pressing my thighs together in a urgent attempt to subtly cease the horrible itch.

“Honestly love, I’ve been to medical school more than once, I can diagnose just as well as -”

I cut him off once more. “Edward, please stop. This is horrible.”

“I already know where it is. If you could just tell me the problem...”

Why was he not as embarrassed about this as I was? I hung my head in defeat, clutching my forehead in my hands. “It’s like...rashy.”

I had no idea if ‘rashy’ was even a word.

Edward was silent for a few moments, and I looked up at him. He was biting hid bottom lip, seemingly at a loss for words. Upon my gaze, he finally spoke. “I can’t ...really...tell you the problem...without seeing...it...”

My eyes widened in terror, and my cheeks burned. “W-wha-...N-no!” I couldn’t even speak.

Edward threw his hands up in surrender. “I don’t mean it in a perverse way!”

“Ugh.” Was the only word that popped into my mind, and I fell backwards, landing on my back on the soft bed.

After a few more awkward moments, Edward piped up once more. “Well...is it...red...and does it...itch...around...around...”

I was an odd mixture of humbled and bemused. I had never seen Edward at such a loss for words. Besides, it couldn‘t get any worse could it? I sat up and looked directly at him. “Around what?”

“Around...your...your...” His eyes widened, and he look slightly torn between the medical professional in him that was trained to be unembarrassed by this stuff, and...absolutely embarrassed. “Around your clitoris?”

“Oh my god.” I moaned, my hands flying to my face, palms grinding into my eye sockets. I was positive it couldn’t get any worse, now. Edward had used to word clitoris.

How very wrong I was.

Alice burst into the room right then, beside herself with giggles. “Oh Bella, I’m sorry! If I would have known it would give you a yeast infection, I would have found another nonfat snack for you!”

My eyes narrowed. Perfect.

She’d just announced my personal fiasco, with a house full of hearing sensitive vampires. I heard various tones of laughter coming towards this room. I glared passionately at the little pixie. “I blame you for this.”

She just giggled innocently, while the rest of the Cullens entered the room.

“Really Bella, it’s easily cured...” Carlisle attempted to console me.

“This is not happening...” I whimpered, looking to the sky as if it would open up and eat me where I stood, my face a dark crimson from my utter humiliation.

“Yeast is a beast.” Jasper agreed.

“Yeast THE Beast!” Emmett corrected.

“At least!” Alice chirped in.

My gaze snapped to them, and I couldn’t help but dryly state, “How very Seussy of you.”

All seven Cullens stared at me like I’d grown two heads.

“What?” They all asked at once.

I raised an eyebrow. “Seussy? As in reference to Dr. Seuss?”

Blank stares were my only response.

“...You’ve been vampires for how many years, and you’ve never heard of Dr. Seuss?”

A chorus of head bewildered headshakes. I gasped, seeing something horrifying in this new found truth, as well as a way out of my doom. “No!” I grasped Edward’s wrist, tugging him in the direction of the door. “Come on, we have to go to the bookstore!”

Edward followed silently behind me, utterly confused.

Chapter End Notes:

Authors Note: Haha. And so the first part of the completely insane humor crackfics begins! I have a lot of random, funny one-shot ideas I’ll probably work into here. This particular once actually started from FictionalFascination and I conversing over AIM, talking about how we hated when Bella or Edward uses raunchy words during lemons and how out of character it is. We then started talking about ways to tame it down, and she said something about how we all must tame ourselves for the characters sake, and we started talking about proper terminology and then that led to Edward’s vocabulary and how he would casually use proper words and poor Bella would be embarrassed. And that, my friends, was how Yeast The Beast, At Least, was born.

Review, if you liked it! Please! Reviews are like crack! Honestly, this was written in good fun, and the characters are about as in character as they can get for a crackfic. Stay tuned, for the next chapter involves Seussy goodness and water balloons!

-LollirotXoX

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