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Story Notes:

As for every fanfiction ever written: I do not own anything or any character (although I wish I owned Jasper...)

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Twilighted Validation beta: devilsgenie

Author's Chapter Notes:

Hope you enjoy this chapter!


 

Another second passes by, another human life I have to spare. There are no words to describe the feeling of lust that courses through me when I see the little freshman girl run by on her way home. The warmth of her blood is pooling in her cheeks and I can smell the appetizing smell of her honey flavored blood.

 

Human blood… the venom starts to collect in my mouth and my vampire side starts to kick in. There is nothing but the girl and I in the world. There is nothing but the frail human and this thirsty vampire.

 

I cannot bring myself to remember why I should not kill her. My mind is fogged and there is nothing left in me besides the taste I anticipate from the girl. I know her name, but I don’t care. I know that I will destroy the roots my family has created here in Forks, but again I cannot bring myself to care.

 

I start to move towards the girl who has only moved a foot from her original place. Swiftly and silently I progress towards her. I am right behind her and I lean in for the kill. My mouth is only inches away from her juicy looking throat. Honey was always a personal favorite of mine.

 

Before I could lean in and close the gap, I felt a small hand grab my shoulder restraining me. I was about to throw this person off and continue on my quest for this nameless honey flavored girl, but the person restraining me says one word and my thirst is quenched. “Stop.”

 

I can hear the faint breathing of my vampire counterpart. I can feel her arm resting gently on my shoulder, comforting instead of restraining now. I sigh and turn to look my soul mate in the eyes.

 

"Come on Jazz. Rose would rip you into tiny pieces if you killed her chances of staying here." She spoke softly and too fast for the girl to hear. I sighed one more time and started to walk towards the parking lot.

 

“Rose could try to kill me but she knows she would never win.” Alice’s mouth turned down in a scowl when I mentioned fighting with Rosalie. I gently wrapped my arm around her and tugged the books that she was carrying from her hands.

 

“I can carry them by myself…” I ignored her comment and kept walking towards Edward’s Volvo. Emmett and Rosalie were sitting on the trunk of the car looking at each other with lustful eyes and Edward was leaning against the driver side door. Edward saw us approach and in one fluid motion sat down in the car. Emmett and Rose were slower to sit in the car. Rose stood and glared at Alice and me because of how close I had come to ruining her chances of staying in Forks. Emmett shrugged it off like he does for everything and tugged Rosalie into the car. I let a third sigh escape.

 

Why was it so hard for me to live this lifestyle? Was it because of my past with the newborns, or was it because deep in my mind I resented this lifestyle? I stared out the window and watched the scenery fly by. I was a lost soul and I had yet to find my place in the new world. The only thing I was sure about was Alice. I have been sure about Alice since the day we met…

 

 

I was alone, completely and utterly alone. I had no place where I was satisfied. I used to be a hero. I used to be a person who saved lives, but now I take them. How many had I killed? How many families had I torn apart? I never enjoyed war even when I was human, but it was unavoidable in my current state.

My mind revolved around this bloodlust that could never be overcome. I was never satisfied so I killed human after human. I was a killing machine and hated it. Yet, I had no alternative. I needed blood and if I needed something I would have it.

I had not even noticed where I had started to wander when I found myself walking down a dark alley that reflected my dark mood. I was alone, so very alone.

I heard a movement behind me and I smelt the blood of a very appealing human. Her scent was a mixture of lavender and rain-kissed leaves. The sent surrounded me and filled by lungs and mind. My mind was lost in the hunt and I was no longer in my ravine of depression. I was a skilled hunter and she was my midnight meal.

I walked swiftly out of the dark and dingy alley and the woman was standing street side looking nervous. I kept to the shadows and watched her for a minute or two. I started to walk behind her being careful to keep my face in the shadows so that the color of my eyes could not be seen.

“Excuse me Miss, you seem lost.” My voice was like velvet and it was silky smooth. The lavender lady turned around alarmed, but once she saw my appearance she relaxed. I was well groomed for my kind.

“Yes. Could you tell me where Grove Street is perhaps?”

“I was on my way there right now. Follow me Miss.” I walked towards the next dark alley my eyes could detect. After five minutes of walking, I led her down the alley I had seen.

“This does not seem right,” she squeaked panicked. I turned around to face her. I saw the fear in her eyes. I could smell the adrenaline pumping through her veins. I smiled showing all my gleaming white teeth.

“A life lesson to remember is never to talk to strangers,” and before she could scream I leaped at her and brought my mouth down on her neck. I tore through the skin and muscle like butter. I drained the body within a minute. The blood always tastes better then it smells. After finishing straightening out my clothes and hair I looked down at my victim. Her eyes were wide with fear and her mouth was open like she was about to scream. She did not look peaceful before or even after death. I shrugged and disposed her body in a trash dump at the end of the alley. I hated myself for what I had done, but there was no alternative.

I continued on my way to Grove Street. Poor thing was not even that far from the street, but a predator must do what he must do. There was a tiny diner that was always empty that was a good place for me to brood about my loneliness. I opened the door to the diner and caught the emotions of a female. She was full of excitement and anticipation. She seemed like she was waiting for someone to arrive. Her smell was the next thing to assault me. She was one of us, a vampire. I wonder who her creator was and what coven she was part of. Had I fought her before? Had I killed her family? I laid eyes on her next. She was sitting on a stool near the front of the diner, watching the door. She was short at about four feet eleven inches and her features were sharp, small, and defined. Her hair was short and black and sticking up in all directions. She was beautiful.

As soon as I entered the diner she stood up and glided up to where I was standing looking at her.

“You kept me waiting a long time,” She said softly with a big smile stretched across her small face.

“I’m sorry ma’am,” I replied to her with a duck of the head. She giggled and looked back up at me. She held out her hand to me, and I took it without thinking about what I was doing. And for the first time I was not alone.

 

I slowly got out of the Volvo and made my way towards the giant white house we call home. Edward called my name as I was about to walk up the stairs to the seclusion of the room I shared with Alice.

 

“Jasper, you need to hunt.”

 

“I can go a little longer.” I was determined to prove that I was strong and that I could resist. I hated being weak. I hated everyone looking at me like they were waiting for me to snap.

 

“How long Jazz? Until you kill that girl?” Edward’s eyes were as black as mine and yet he could resist. Why couldn’t I? Was there something wrong with me? I was older and more mature then he was and yet he acts like my father. “I do not want to be your father; I am just looking out for you. I know you would never forgive yourself if you killed her.” He picked my thoughts out of my head.

 

“Fine, I’ll go hunt,” I gave into the thirst, but I had a stipulation, “but I want to go alone.” Edward nodded at my request and I took off. I ran through the back door and leaped over the Olympia River. The forest seemed like a haven compared to the house now. I did not want to be around stronger people anymore. My ego had been hurt enough for one day.

 

The forest was oddly quiet today, like it was taking on my sober mood. The leafy canopy protected me from the outside world. It was a world I could not face yet. I paused and closed my eyes. I picked up the sound of several large heart beats not too far from where I had stopped. The smell was nowhere as appetizing as the smell of the girl but for now it would do. I started to run towards the sound until they finally came into sight. I easily picked out the largest male and waited for the perfect moment to strike. The buck slowly wandered towards the bushes I was hiding in possibly smelling my presence. Before it could find me waiting I pounced. My strong hands caught the animal in the torso and we flew backwards. My teeth quickly cut through the fur and bones and into the main stream of blood. The animal thrashed against me but it found no purchase. All the blood had been drained and I was still left with a dry burn in the back of my throat. I was not full.

 

The rest of the animals had already fled when my presence had been detected so I would have to find something else to hunt. I was in no hurry to return to the house and spend time with my family. I needed time to be alone and process.

 

I sat down on the forest floor and leaned my head against a tree. My mind wandered back to the hallway this afternoon. I tried to find some way to stop next time a human caught my attention. I knew that if I could bring Alice’s face into my mind I would be able to stop. With my mind fogged like it is when I smell human blood would I be able to think of Alice? I would have to try. I have to be stronger than this, for me and for Alice. I still could not comprehend what made it so hard for me to not kill humans. Carlisle once said that it takes centuries to learn self control. I have lived centuries and still I am as blood crazy as I was while I was a newborn. Why was I so different from everyone else in my family?

 

Carlisle hated himself and what he had become so he did not ever kill any humans. I hate what I have become and this deplorable creature I am, yet I go on wanting to kill humans.

 

Esme had Carlisle from the beginning and thus she has never tasted human blood. I have had Alice for most of my life and I still want to kill.

 

Edward can hear the thoughts of his victims and this mostly keeps him from killing. I can feel the fear in my victims and I still thirst for their blood.

 

Rosalie wants so badly to be human that the thought of killing a human bothers her too much. I am severely bothered by the thought of taking another human life, but this trivial fact never stops me.

 

Emmett would never take a human life when Rosalie would not. I would bet if Rosalie started to drink human blood, he would as well. Alice does not even think about human blood and yet here I am trying to kill some little school girl.

 

I should be strong like my siblings and adopted parents. I have a loving wife by my side and an intense hatred of what I am. I just want to be a vampire that does not have to struggle with himself. I am tired of being weak.

Chapter End Notes:

I really hope you enjoyed this chapter and the insight it gave into Jasper's mind.

I also want to thank crewsoccer2008 for helping me on my way to greatness (I hope).

Also want to thank texbelle for helping me along.

Two more thank you's I promise. Thanks to yum-yum and moonlight sonata (TWILIGHTERS ANONYMOUS) for catching some little mistakes on my part.

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