I’m really liking your story so far. I started reading it a while ago but had to stop as real life distracted me. Anyway, I’m back on board and I’ve enjoyed the story thus far!!!
I’m really liking the music theme that you’ve thrown in there. I downloaded the Hallelujah song and closed my eyes and got immersed in his words, I have to agree with Bella and Edward (and you!) the cover is much better then the original in that case. J
One thing I would like to critique you on (I hope you don’t mind me saying it so please don’t take this as an attack on you as I’m hoping this will help you improve) have you ever heard of the expression show it, don’t (always) tell it? Well, it basically means that when you write out a scene, you need to show what’s happening rather then tell the reader what’s happening.
Now, don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s a good idea to just tell the reader what happened, especially in the parts where nothing is really happening. Or you need to speed up time. For example, nobody really wants to read about Bella and Edward’s classes, so saying. “We went to class, it was boring, it dragged on for ages and then finally the bell rang.” ß That’s crap writing, but it’s just an example.
I feel like I’m getting rushed through the romantic scenes in your stories, like when Bella and Edward first share their kiss. And in this chapter when they got a little hot and heavy… It would have been great if you could have gone into a little bit more detail and really described the emotion that they’re feeling, or go into detail about what they’re physically doing if you prefer that instead!! It’s your prerogative as the writer!!! J
I really admire your use of dialogue, that is something I struggle with a lot as a writer, you’re funny and witty and the conversation comes off as genuine and authentic. I’d have to say that’s one of you strengths!!
I really think you could create great tension between Edward and Bella if you pace a little more… Believe me you're nearly there, but the chapters could do with a little fine tuning in this regard.
I know it might help you understand what I’m trying to say if I use an example. I’m not going to take one of your paragraphs because I fear I might offend you if I do that.
But here’s an example of my own.
Example One:
“We had stopped for gas and Edward was inside getting junk food for the trip to Seattle. I had butterflies in my stomach, he had made me really nervous.”
Example Two:
“Just going to grab some junk food for the trip,” Edward said with a wink. He stepped outside the car and as I heard the frame of the door click shut, my stomach filled with butterflies. My nerves were consuming me.”
Okay, so notice how the first example used the word 'was' a lot? There’s a really easy way to tell if you’re telling rather then showing. Is your chapter filled with the word ‘was’? If it is then you’re likely telling rather then showing.
Example One:
I was really happy
Example Two:
A smile spread wildly across my face, I felt really happy.
It can take a little bit more description to show rather then tell but if you want to really capture the reader then this is the most effective way to achieve that!
I hope this gives you an idea of how to show, not tell. I really hope I haven’t offended you. If I have, I'm really sorry. I like your story. A lot! And I really want to see you improve.
Feel free to tell me to shove it and ignore my advice, I’ll keep reading either way. But if you’d like any help or would like more information in this particular area, then I’d be happy to point you in the direction of some good sites that help with this kind of thing. Or even offer my own opinion if that's what you're after. :)
I can’t wait for your next chapter and I hope you keep writing!!!
Thanks for reading my review. Hope it helps!!
Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for your feedback! E-mail me at thegreenpuma@gmail.com so I have your e-mail address. I have some feedback for your feedback and some of the stuff is formatted so I'd like to send it in e-mail :)
