This story is fantastic, of course, and you've received a lot of love from your fans already. So allow me to skip straight to some suggestions? It's quite late in the story and I doubt that you'll be willing to go back and change things at this point, but there are a couple of things you might still be able to address.
Firstly, I feel like there needs to be some brief explanation as to why they didn't deliver the baby as soon as Bella was initially admitted to the hospital. If they considered the pregnancy a risk to Bella or the baby, they would have taken the Lizzie out. It's fine that they didn't, of course, since your story called for the pregnancy to go a bit farther, but for the sake of realism, it should be mentioned somewhere that they decided not to take the baby out for whatever reason. Perhaps they decided that the risks of the baby being born pre-term were greater than the risks of her staying in the womb. Whatever the reason, it should probably be addressed. Also, keep in mind that a pregnancy is considered full-term at 37 weeks.
The other suggestion I have is in regards to Edward's motivation for leaving Bella in the first place. I understand it was the foolish decision of a 17 year old boy, but it still feels like there wasn't enough justification for it. Vampire Edward had a lot more motivation to leave Bella, but your human Edward...it just doesn't add up. I sort of understand it, but again, his reasoning is just a little too...out there. If there was something more at play here, that would explain it though. For example, if Edward had come from a home of abuse...perhaps if his father had abused his mother, than I could understand his complete horror and inability to cope with hurting Bella physically. Which leads me to a question. I have just finished a marathon read of this story and have yet to figure out if Edward and Alice are biological Cullens here, or if they were adopted. Maybe you mentioned it somewhere, but I missed it completely (and I WAS looking for it.)
I know they are twins, but that's it. I remember at one point reading that Edward "inherited" his nose-pinching from Carlisle, but the fact that he calls his dad "Carlisle" at all would indicate that he's adopted. Why else would he call him Carlisle? And why else would he have reacted in such an emotionally unhealthy way (when Bella was hurt) if he was raised from birth by normal, well-adjusted parents like Carlisle and Esme? So again, adding a troubled past to Edward would, at this point, go a long way in...if not justifying, then at least explaining his actions a little bit. Adding more to the realism, if you will. But perhaps I'm being premature here and you WERE going to go there at some point. If so, I apologize for jumping the gun. ;-)
The only other thing I would want to see addressed is Bella's obvious abandonment issues. It was rather terrible to discover that her mother abandoned her at an early age, and then her mother-figure (Esme) basically did the same thing when they left. This isn't a criticism, really...I just think that this should occur to someone at some point. And perhaps explain why Bella took things so hard or will have difficulty fully trusting all of them again.
Oh! And I was wondering about their age at this point. I think when Esme was talking to Charlie at some point, she said or thought about them being 17 still. I had assumed that they had turned 18 by this time, especially considering they've both "graduated" from high school (yes, I know they finished early) but Bella made it through a nearly 10 month pregnancy so surely they've passed a b-day by now, right?
Anyway, just wanted to share my thoughts. I hope you don't take any of this as a negative thing. The story truly is fantastic. And obviously captivating since I spent most of yesterday and last night reading it. These are just a few ideas I had. Take them or leave them, of course. I'll keep reading either way. :-)
Author's Response: Ok, this will have to be quick! Sorry!
1)Keeping the pregnancy was briefly touched on. They did not think that taking the baby would help her either so they allowed her to keep the baby until they had reason not to. Which they got.
2) Edward's motivations were crap in the movie as well. I needed a canon start to the story and this was merely the launching pad. It was artistic license alone
3) Their relationships are touched on early on. Em/Ed/Al are the biological children of Esme/Carlisle. Jas/Rose were taken in after their parent's brutal murder.
4) Some people get why Edward calls Carlisle by his name and some are confused. They are father and son. Think Bella calling her dad Charlie. I called my dad his first name my whole life. Some kids, and parents, just do this.
5) Bella's mother issues are touched on shortly.
6) Ages - I made an artistic choice as I wanted them to be minors. This would have been during their Sr. Year (Ed/Be just got their GED's while they were separated and Alice was still in school in ME). When I entered my Sr year (and I have a Sept bday), I was 17. So Bella is 17 turning 18 in Sept and Edward will be 18 in June.
Feel free to share your thoughts anytime:)
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!
