Hey hun. So asked for on the board someone to rip your fic apart. I don't think that there will be to much carnage, I think of it more like surgery -- with copious food metaphors, I don't know why I can't stop inserting food metaphors into when I write reviews so be prepared -- . So I'm going to address grammar/flow issues, as well as general problems, just remember I am enjoying what I'm reading, and always go back to that first review I left you when things look hairy.
“Whatever, Kirk,” she said rolling her eyes at a man at the end of the bar. He was furiously scribbling notes into a folder.
First of all there should be after she said, also this whole sentence will flow a lot better is you put both of the sentences together as such: she said, rolling her eyes at a man at the end of the bar who was furiously scribbling etc.
Also is he writing on the folder, because that's what it souns like when you write that he was scribbling notes INTO the folder.
he landed all too gracefully for the Bella I remember. Fuck where did she learn that one?
THere should be a comma after Fuck. And I'm also going to take time to address the general premise of bad ass Bella.
Let me say this now, I like bad-ass Bella. I do. I can totally see it as a plausible transition. She did afterall do cliff-diving and motorcycle riding and hung out with werewolfs in New Moon. And I do see Bella being gracefull a reflection of that confidence. However, I worry about your reasons for making her gracefull. I haven't read the whole story to be fair, and I've heard you say that your AU is popular because it explains WHY Bella changed.
Also, and again, I've only seen the first couple of chapters, so forgive me if you address this later. But no matter how gracefull or sexy Bella has become she's still a human, and Emmett is still a vampire who is (as far as I know) NOT in love with her.)
Once the initial shock wears off he's bound to see some faults in Bella. And as the reader we want to see faults. Having a character who perfectly vaults over bar stools, smashes people's face in and has unfailing confidence while drivingly gracefully, through traffic at 70mph. Well doesn't that sound a liiittle too strong. I see Isabella as a girl whose lost her fear, and is living life to the fullest, but even when you live life to fullest you make mistakes. I know having her mess up is contrary to the characterization you want to portray at first, but I think having her make a mistake, or not be AS crazy sexy may make this story feel more real.
I totally understand why you did it, and think it was a valid choice. I just would suggest toning it down just a tad, to give your characters as much demension as possible from the word go. And that means faults for everyone. You've done a good job giving faults to Emett with him leaving Rose in chap 1, which I really approve of.
Also I have issue with Emett calling Alice Pixie, this one descriptor is so overdone and fandom, and I've seen you write much more interesting ones throughout the story, so you don't need to rely on it.
I enjoyed the part at the end about the man looking like a chew toy, with all of his scars that image was particularily apt.
Well here you go,
Oh my god...thank you soo much for this! It wasn't mean at all and I completely understand and acknowledge everything you wrote. Obvisously you're not that far into it cause they all have a mass of faults raging around them.
I agree with the pixie thing too. When I wrote thses chappies it was waay back in November of last year and I only had just been introduced to Twilighted so I had no idea how over done somethings were.
I do tone everything down a bit and it starts to get emotional and you will see how Bella has changed.
If you do continue this do you mind pointing out any errors you see. You have no idea how much I crave CC! You see I've never written anything at all before this and to straight off the bat have everyone like it is weird. Now I think they are all intimadated by me because no one says boo about any problems they see and I, as a writer want to better myself. How can I do that if everyone is just being nice to me? I like the nice but sometimes to play nice ya gots to play rough! You know what I mean?
Thank you soo much fr doing this! I will take your advice on board and once I'm back from vacay I'm going to do some sprucing!
Love you muchly