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Reviewer: StoryPainter (Signed) · Date: August 17, 2009 01:54 PM · On: Chapter 8: Poor, Poor Edward Cullen

Ok, I admit it. Emmett squealing makes me laugh out loud.

 

I just started reading this story this morning and I can't get enough.

 

 

Reviewer: EmeraldEyez (Signed) · Date: August 17, 2009 08:14 AM · On: Chapter 26:Sweets After Sex

LOVE IT So Far!!!

Reviewer: msnettie (Signed) · Date: August 16, 2009 10:24 PM · On: Chapter 26:Sweets After Sex

love this story! it is great! I love your bad ass Bella!! awsome!!! (how is that for exclamation marks?) thanks for the story again...

Reviewer: xlozalinx (Signed) · Date: August 16, 2009 01:36 PM · On: Chapter 26:Sweets After Sex

bloody brill

Reviewer: arlene86 (Signed) · Date: August 15, 2009 11:45 PM · On: Chapter 25:Cotton is Calling

Finally!!!!!!!! Love, love, LOVED it! Great chapter! 

I'm a little sad about Bella not wanting to spend eternity with Edward though. I can see her views about it, but come on! It's immortality. Having hot hot sexy time with hot sexy hot Edward. 

Reviewer: jbluvs2sing (Signed) · Date: August 15, 2009 09:53 PM · On: Chapter 26:Sweets After Sex

Leaving a review for you to come back to...My goodness, I just love Emmett! I loved the part where he ACTUALLY kickecd the bears ass!!! Too funny. I was laughing and my kids were saying, "What mommy...Oh! She's reading again."

Reviewer: ContemptuousCullen (Signed) · Date: August 15, 2009 03:39 PM · On: Chapter 9: Dying Again

This chapter cracked me up.  Izzy rocks!

Reviewer: binki (Signed) · Date: August 15, 2009 06:44 AM · On: Chapter 26:Sweets After Sex

Great chapter!  Will Izzy not want to be a vampire now???

Reviewer: NiKKi the Vampire Princess (Signed) · Date: August 15, 2009 02:20 AM · On: Chapter 26:Sweets After Sex

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I dont wanna wait!!!

Reviewer: kathat (Signed) · Date: August 14, 2009 11:04 PM · On: Chapter 2: Reckless Abandonment

So, she really went to the wild side trying to find her Edward fix.

Reviewer: kathat (Signed) · Date: August 14, 2009 10:56 PM · On: Chapter 1

Look where Jake fixing  that motorcycle got her!

awesome way to start!

Reviewer: arlene86 (Signed) · Date: August 14, 2009 10:10 PM · On: Chapter 4: Bikes, Cars and Ugly Rugs!

My heart just broke on that last sentence!

Reviewer: luckycharms0210 (Signed) · Date: August 14, 2009 09:40 PM · On: Chapter 26:Sweets After Sex

... I'm gonna go sit in my corner and rock until you get back...

Reviewer: booklover08 (Signed) · Date: August 14, 2009 09:26 PM · On: Chapter 26:Sweets After Sex

Nice little jaunt into the countryside!! See what fun you could have on vacation with no kids if your parents leave you alone for a while!!!!@!@# !! I enjoyed this chapter and will enjoy my vacation of only one week - Enjoy yours!! ;)

Reviewer: branlc (Signed) · Date: August 14, 2009 09:15 PM · On: Chapter 26:Sweets After Sex

Good chapter! Very funny and water sex with Edward was very nice!!!

Reviewer: booklover08 (Signed) · Date: August 14, 2009 09:09 PM · On: Chapter 25:Cotton is Calling

ok, nicely done and yeah, I am of the no pain group so I applaud your non-use of the aqueeze him in school of thought  so thanks for that!!  ;)

Reviewer: passionmama (Signed) · Date: August 14, 2009 12:22 PM · On: Chapter 1

I loved this chapter! Sex was hot! But I am a little worried that they will not end up together FOREVER! That will break my heart to have her grow old and not with Edward.  But so far- Kick ass Izzy rocks and I love how Edward is changing and growing with her.

Reviewer: artzyme1122 (Signed) · Date: August 14, 2009 12:22 PM · On: Chapter 1

Why ohhhh why?????

I will wait patiently for your return because i know when you come back you will give us something amazing like always!

Oh how i wish i was the one in the water with Edward ; )

Reviewer: samt915 (Signed) · Date: August 14, 2009 11:50 AM · On: Chapter 26:Sweets After Sex

WOW, its like you left us with a cliff hanger, but didnt.  I really am liking it, wasnt kiding when i said keep writing forever!!!

Reviewer: sigh_for_sigh (Signed) · Date: August 14, 2009 06:30 AM · On: Chapter 2: Reckless Abandonment

Hey hun. So asked for on the board someone to rip your fic apart. I don't think that there will be to much carnage, I think of it more like surgery -- with copious food metaphors, I don't know why I can't stop inserting food metaphors into when I write reviews so be prepared -- . So I'm going to address grammar/flow issues, as well as general problems, just remember I am enjoying what I'm reading, and always go back to that first review I left you when things look hairy.

“Whatever, Kirk,” she said rolling her eyes at a man at the end of the bar. He was furiously scribbling notes into a folder.

First of all there should be after she said, also this whole sentence will flow a lot better is you put both of the sentences together as such: she said, rolling her eyes at a man at the end of the bar who was furiously scribbling etc.

Also is he writing on the folder, because that's what it souns like when you write that he was scribbling notes INTO the folder.

he landed all too gracefully for the Bella I remember. Fuck where did she learn that one?

THere should be a comma after Fuck. And I'm also going to take time to address the general premise of bad ass Bella.


Let me say this now, I like bad-ass Bella. I do. I can totally see it as a plausible transition. She did afterall do cliff-diving and motorcycle riding and hung out with werewolfs in New Moon. And I do see Bella being gracefull a reflection of that confidence. However, I worry about your reasons for making her gracefull. I haven't read the whole story to be fair, and I've heard you say that your AU is popular because it explains WHY Bella changed.

Also, and again, I've only seen the first couple of chapters, so forgive me if you address this later. But no matter how gracefull or sexy Bella has become she's still a human, and Emmett is still a vampire who is (as far as I know) NOT in love with her.)

Once the initial shock wears off he's bound to see some faults in Bella. And as the reader we want to see faults. Having a character who perfectly vaults over bar stools, smashes people's face in and has unfailing confidence while drivingly gracefully, through traffic at 70mph. Well doesn't that sound a liiittle too strong. I see Isabella as a girl whose lost her fear, and is living life to the fullest, but even when you live life to fullest you make mistakes. I know having her mess up is contrary to the characterization you want to portray at first, but I think having her make a mistake, or not be AS crazy sexy may make this story feel more real.

I totally understand why you did it, and think it was a valid choice. I just would suggest toning it down just a tad, to give your characters as much demension as possible from the word go. And that means faults for everyone. You've done a good job giving faults to Emett with him leaving Rose in chap 1, which I really approve of.

Also I have issue with Emett calling Alice Pixie, this one descriptor is so overdone and fandom, and I've seen you write much more interesting ones throughout the story, so you don't need to rely on it.

I enjoyed the part at the end about the man looking like a chew toy, with all of his scars that image was particularily apt.

Well here you go,

sfs

 

 



Author's Response:

Oh my god...thank you soo much for this! It wasn't mean at all and I completely understand and acknowledge everything you wrote. Obvisously you're not that far into it cause they all have a mass of faults raging around them.

I agree with the pixie thing too. When I wrote thses chappies it was waay back in November of last year and I only had just been introduced to Twilighted so I had no idea how over done somethings were.

I do tone everything down a bit and it starts to get emotional and you will see how Bella has changed.

If you do continue this do you mind pointing out any errors you see. You have no idea how much I crave CC! You see I've never written anything at all before this and to straight off the bat have everyone like it is weird. Now I think they are all intimadated by me because no one says boo about any problems they see and I, as a writer want to better myself. How can I do that if everyone is just being nice to me? I like the nice but sometimes to play nice ya gots to play rough! You know what I mean?

Thank you soo much fr doing this! I will take your advice on board and once I'm back from vacay I'm going to do some sprucing!

Love you muchly

Jay

Reviewer: Animal_Freak (Signed) · Date: August 14, 2009 06:29 AM · On: Chapter 26:Sweets After Sex

I was laughing my head off with the whole bear thing. Great work. Although is this the last chapter? I surely hope not.

Reviewer: pixiekat (Signed) · Date: August 14, 2009 01:17 AM · On: Chapter 26:Sweets After Sex

This was the perfect chapter to leave us with while you're on vacation! What a fun flippin' chapter! And Emmett, sweet hell he's a riot! Damn I adore him! And what can I say about Izzy & Edward...swoon-worthy!

Love & hugz

Reviewer: Almis (Signed) · Date: August 14, 2009 12:20 AM · On: Chapter 26:Sweets After Sex

I thought I'd help fill that inbox of yours.

Hilarious, seriously.

Esme and Carlisle at the start made me laugh. Emmett and the bear made me laugh, Jaws made me laugh. I was just basically laughing while reading this chapter.

Have a great holiday, we could hardly forget you.

Alice.x

Reviewer: pixiekat (Signed) · Date: August 13, 2009 11:13 PM · On: Chapter 25:Cotton is Calling

LOL Dirty Girl...I <3 you! Excellent, beautifully written & hot as hell. Just one l'l thing is making me very, very nervous...Bella doesn't want to be changed. Just the thought that they won't be together & that Edward will have to watch her die shatters my heart. I'm praying that doesn't happen.

Reviewer: teacher (Signed) · Date: August 13, 2009 08:35 PM · On: Chapter 26:Sweets After Sex

what a FUN filled chapter!  I want a swimming hole like that one...with my very own Edward too!

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