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Reviews For Cullenary Coupling
Reviewer: chloe9 (Signed) · Date: December 29, 2008 07:42 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Five - Dream Edward

The last sentence was brilliant.  And Starched Shirt Edward always makes my day.  There's something about him calling Edward a deviant that just cracks me up. 

Author's Response:

Thanks Chloe9 for your review! I started a trend with the last lines, one I hope I can continue. :)

And I just adore Starched Shirt Edward. He reminds me of someone I went to college with, so I have so much fun writing his voice. I kind of liked Edward's response to Starched Shirt's criticism about the bedroom scene. Poor guy will be praying his little knees off for the next decade. :) *snorts*

And it totally makes my day when you review, so again, thanks so much for your feedback. :) Books

Reviewer: the shrew (Signed) · Date: December 28, 2008 09:18 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Five - Dream Edward

Oh!  So the Earth really did move.  *smacks forhead*  Got it. 

I like the intrigue in this chapter.  Her grandmother warned her about the red-eyed people?  She has always had dreams about them, and now Edward protects her?  Different and intriguing.  I am so curious how you are going to draw this all together.  I love this, but I feel like this is an entirely separate story from the earlier chapters.  That's not a bad thing, but I don't see how you are going to draw it all together with the earlier stuff?  I'll stick with this as I still adore reading it, but I have to let you know what I'm thinking as I read it.  I think maybe you intend for us to be confused about that right now so that you can surprise us later, right?

Edward is adorable shopping for Bella.  He can appear rather haughty in this story, at least on the surface, but I still find him hopelessly endearing in his cluelessness concerning his feelings towards Bella.  He is such a good liar; he cannot even tell when he is lying to himself!  Stupid, lovesick vampire!  :D

Oh yeah,  assonance is living right on the edge!  But remember what they say in Educating Rita, "Assonance means getting the rhyme wrong!" Ha!  I love that line! :)  Assonance is good, but alliterations rock my socks.

Author's Response:

Hello oh Shrewish one! I had to make the Earth move. It's Edward freaking Cullen. I am taking the 5th on the plot developments. Starched Shirt Edward will break my fingers and hand me over to the Predator if I spill. I do understand the concern that it comes across as an entirely different story from the earlier chapters. And thanks for the feedback on that. At this point you should be confused. I aim to clear that up bit by bit in the next few chapters although not every question will be answered immediately.

I had to do the Edward shopping after going shopping with my sister and witnessing something similar. And the idea of repressed Edward actualy handling her garments and putting them in a bag to go to the store - mixing the practical with the cluelessness - was just too good to resist.

I loved Educating Rita. I still remember the scene with the woman walking in with the picture of the late Princess Diana and saying she wanted to look just like that. Awesome movie. :) I threw in the Sheepheaded Stalker line to bring you joy. :) I also thought it funny having a stalker calling out (mentally) another stalker.

Reviewer: Thefloorhatesme (Signed) · Date: December 28, 2008 08:40 PM · On: Chapter 2: The Bachelor Party: Survival of the B!tchfest - Part Two

Haha, What is Aro going to do with the pasties O____o

Author's Response:

I could tell you that, but then, alas, I'd have to turn you. :)

Thanks for reviewing :)

Reviewer: rindycella (Signed) · Date: December 28, 2008 07:57 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Five - Dream Edward

Lovely as always. The shopping trip was perfect, as was the extended "package" joke.

Interesting with the Clearwaters also getting the pneumonia. Something in the broken pot?

Edward seems to be increasingly tolerant of the "misconceptions" that he and Bella are romantically involved...

Author's Response:

The misconceptions allow him to have greater access to his singer. He has, after all, reached his quota for breaking the bones of irritating humans for the decade. :) I went shopping with my sister yesterday - and just had to add in the shopping trip after what I observed. He probably touched her clothing from her dresser like it was the Shroud of Turin, Poor Edward. More on her illness (and the Clearwaters) will be revealed next chapter. :)

With the package joke, I just had to go there. I wanted to show how he thinks he knows everything and clearly he doesn't. And even in the face of his ignorance, he's still arrogant about it. Can you imagine what would have happened if he had asked Emmett?

As ever thanks so much for reviewing. It totally makes my day. :) Books

Reviewer: historicvampirelover (Signed) · Date: December 28, 2008 05:18 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Five - Dream Edward

Oh Dream Edward!  He's just too perfect for Bella, even sick, sad, tired Bella.

I'm glad her fever finally broke, and that Edward stayed so strong around her while she was so sick.

I'm surprised though, that with the telepathy he doesn't understand more idioms... it seems to me that he'd be the first to pick up on them, no?

Looking forward to more :)  Excellent chapter!

Author's Response:

I love Dream Edward. :) Can't we all have one?

In regards to the idioms there is a method to my madness. Pardon me if I go all geeky on you. Research indicates that when we communicate with idioms we do so to show other people that they are included. For example my nickname Books - if someone uses it they are showing me that they really know me. Edward is not included. He has isolated himself. That's why he does not know the idioms.

The way I reasoned it, Edward selectively listens to people. He mainly follows the idioms that are related to vampires - blood suckers, leeches, etc. The rest he tunes out because he keeps people at a distance. From the way I see him, he both loves and hates being able to read minds. He loves being able to protect his family and frankly it stokes is ego. He hates it because it just serves to remind him that he's not "normal". Also, some of the things he hears are quite painful from the minds of others. He has become accustomed to just not listening over the years. And now he's in the uncomfortable position of having to figure out what everything means without confessing his ignorance. I've also been using it as a device to show how he thinks he knows it all, and well, doesn't. In his mind, he's been living in a different generation. Now because of his human he's having to figure out this one and be able to communicate.

I'm glad that you are enjoying the story. :) Thanks so much for your review. :) Have a happy new year! Books

Reviewer: Miss Poison (Signed) · Date: December 28, 2008 04:52 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Five - Dream Edward

Interesting turn of events. Good update. =)

Author's Response:

Aw thanks Miss Poison :) Glad I'm keeping you entertained. This creative stuff is hard. :) Thanks so much for reviewing, I know it takes time and I appreciate hearing from you. Have a happy new year! Books

Reviewer: MyBrownEyes (Signed) · Date: December 28, 2008 03:48 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Five - Dream Edward

I love your story! Its so cute how Bella keeps saying Dream Edward. I'm intrigued by the tid bits in here...why is Bella dreaming about red-eyed people and why Edward, Alice and now Esme get visions of their human lives when they touch her. Can't wait to find out where all that goes. I'm addicted to your story so please update soon!

Author's Response:

I loved the Dream Edward - face it, I can't decide on a damn name for the guy so I keep making up new ones. Kidding. Not.

I wanted to show her vulnerable but actually telling him what she really felt. Of course he's convinced that since she has a high fever he's not taking her too seriously. Moron. :)

The red eyed people will have to wait. But will be answered within a few chapters. Maybe. I think. :) As for the rest, for once I'm keeping my mouth shut. Starched Shirt Edward and the predator have threatened to break my fingers if I type any more...

Thanks for your feedback and I'm so glad you are enjoying the story. :) Books

Reviewer: schleprock (Signed) · Date: December 28, 2008 01:47 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Five - Dream Edward

it's ridicules how much i look foward to this story being updated. that having been said,update soon please!!!!

Author's Response:

Hi Schleprock! Thanks so much for reviewing. :)

I am delighted to hear that you are enjoying the story! The next chapter is about 50% written. I'll try to get it up as soon as I can. I do post teasers on the thread for this story. Stop by and say hello sometime. :) Books

Reviewer: notmyself (Signed) · Date: December 28, 2008 01:17 PM · On: Prologue: Bella, Sex, and Privacy

I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to that. I tried to join the forums here, but I picked a bad time apparently. Regardless, I haven't visited your string yet. Working on it.


The puppy thing? You want to use that crappy line? Snort. Be my guest. You don't have to credit me with it or anything. Really. Go ahead. I'm certainly nat claiming it. Then again, if anyone could make that line seriously funny, it'd be you. Or starched shirt Edward.


Can't tell you how much enjoyment I get at his expense. That was just the best idea ever.


I am also beyond intrigued at the new gifts and how they tie together. Never even heard mention of someone thinking about something even similar to this.


Watch out though Babe. If ever there was a story that people would want to steal for the sake of having their name attached to something really good, it's yours.



Author's Response:

I'm not sure what trouble you were having joining the forums. They have a separate registration process and you have to have a different password which is a little confusing. Once I got through that, it was ok. It was the Holy Hecate line I really liked. :)

I have been having so much fun with starched shirt Edward. I am going to try to expand the predator a bit because he's feeling neglected. And there is another one lurking around in Edward's mind that might come out to play. Maybe.

I've read many NM AU pieces that gave Bella all sorts of powers - some of them completely silly that made me want to laugh hysterically while reading. I wanted to make her "special" as a human but in such a way that she's not really aware of it.

In terms of stealing stories, I'm not too worried. That's a risk you take when you put something up for the public to read. And if I were going to steal a story idea (and let's be clear I'm not) I can think of many many other ones that I'd take before mine. :)

But thanks for the compliment. :)

And in the very unlikely event that someone actually did try to claim what I've written as their own. Oh my. I'd have fun. I'm a little spiteful you see. :)

Reviewer: mercury10872 (Signed) · Date: December 28, 2008 10:55 AM · On: Chapter 3: Propositions and Practice

omg, lol. that was even more priceless!

Author's Response:

I'm really glad you are enjoying the story so far. Thanks so much for reviewing :) I think the first one is the most low key chapter so put your seat belt on, Tanya will be making an appearance soon. :)

Reviewer: notmyself (Signed) · Date: December 28, 2008 10:47 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Five - Dream Edward

Holy Hectate, woman! You are always surprising and delightful. No one writes like you do. And I love you for it. Love you, want to marry you, have your babies, etc. This just keeps getting more and more consumingly awesome. (Please do not read that in a Keanu Reeves voice. Would totally ruin it.) I can't believe how high you have set the bar for the quality of this story.

You make me feel like a golden retriever puppy every time this updates. I feel like bouncing around, giggling and wetting myself with happiness. Whatever. I'm not ashamed of it. Okay, maybe a little. But incredibly enthralling. None of your other readers would blame me, I daresay.



Author's Response:

Now you've just given me a phrase I'm going to have to work into the next chapter damn you. :) I am so glad you liked this chapter. I sat on it for a few extra days because it didn't feel "done" and the inspiration for the conversation with Marcia the sales girl hit after my sister and I went shopping. I purposely have gone out of my way to make Edward be the one doing the shopping in this story rather than Alice - and I wanted to also show how clueless he was/is. And I added a bit to his conversation with Alice. I wanted to show why he's closer to her than any other sibling. He wasn't before - he wasn't really close to any of them - but he sure is now. She seems to "get" him. And I also wanted to show how he has isolated himself in his own family and is bit by bit starting to come out of that shell. I am working on the next chapter but it's going to take a while for me to get it out - perfectionist that I am. I do hope you like it. Edward at least in part of it, is going to decide he needs to improve his communication skills with human women. :) Books

Reviewer: silly sad sarah twilighted (Signed) · Date: December 28, 2008 10:29 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Five - Dream Edward

EEEKKK that was a nice long totally AWESOME chapter I feel totally satisfied!  But like all good addictes i hope for more I crave more.  But since your drug was so good and fufilling I will be patient!  I wait refreshing every few minutes to see an update in my favorite stories!  Happy new year if you don't post before then.  I love the way you got so detailed.  You had information on there that sent my head into a tail spin.  Either you did alot of research for this chapter or you really know how to tell one hell of a story! 

Author's Response:

Hi silly sad sarah twilighted, Thanks so much! I am glad that you are enjoying this story so much :) I will probably not be posting before the new year but I CAN promise you that the next chapter if I pull it off right should make you weep - in a good way (at least part of it). Edward is going to work on his communication skills. I'm not sure what information I put in there that seemed more detailed but I must confess I have looked up the oddest things lately - from the weather on certain days in history in that area to the types of trees that grow there to the school mascot of their high school. That's me the data stalker. :)

Again thanks so much for reviewing. It totally made my day. :) Books

Reviewer: mercury10872 (Signed) · Date: December 28, 2008 10:17 AM · On: Chapter 2: The Bachelor Party: Survival of the B!tchfest - Part One

lmao..this chapter is priceless..I do not know which is better, Lauren getting what she deserves or the fact that Jane dragged Tyler off, lmao...great job!

Author's Response:

I really am having a lot of fun with Jane and Tyler. At first I wanted to make it a one time event but I ended up expanding it. I hope you like what I've done with them. :) Thanks so much for reviewing. :)

Reviewer: mercury10872 (Signed) · Date: December 28, 2008 09:44 AM · On: Prologue: Bella, Sex, and Privacy

omg, I am loving this already, especially the preview of Chapter One, lol!

Author's Response:

I'm so glad that you are enjoying it. Thanks so much for reviewing. :)

Reviewer: Cavriola (Signed) · Date: December 28, 2008 09:23 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Four - Deviant


I love scheming, rivaltorturing Edward. And Smugward: "And if I ever did seduce anyone it would not be classified as an attempt." Niiice.

I would go for every single one of Renee's ocupations. Sue me.

"I could tell from their minds they worried I was becoming completely unhinged. Clearly my plan was working I gloated as I looked down at the game of chess and moved a rook." --> genius.

Somebody should make an avatar or banner with the slogan "Edward Cullen. Removes fever faster than Tylenol." or the like. Or "he can detect the ration of your blood bodies. By scent." He is sort of like Chuck Norris, only more interesting.

"Cogitate". *snort* And allspice and pine, mmm.

And then there was a paragraph that was just heart-wrenchingly sad. Boom. Midnight Sun style, actually. The Tantalus and pretend me one. So sad.

I thought it was a little strange that Edward's father gave him "an object" but it was never clearly said what kind of object it was. More difficult to picture it.

Forum? Maybe after New Year. I usually just lurk in the corners there and stay silent. I'm the pair of eyes in the hedge.

Happiness to you,


Author's Response:

Hi Cavriola,

I am so glad you liked Edward's smugness I have been trying to show how as his time with Bella increases that he starts becoming more and more strange in his behavior. This is one seriously repressed man who would never dream of treating a lady in an untoward manner and all of a sudden he's boasting to himself about seduction? I picked Renee's occupations not so much for what they were as for the variety of them and the fact that she failed to be able to stick to any of them. She could have been a brain surgeon to me and it wouldn't have mattered. To Edward, he has his lip curled because she did not appear to have discipline. As for his personal scent, I have read almost every fanfiction that waxes poetic about her strawberry shampoo and the smell of lavendar and freesias to the point where I'm afraid it bores me. I thought it might be more interesting to have Bella comment on how HE smelled instead. And I freaking love allspice. :) I'm glad the Tantalus reference got to you - that meant I wrote it the right way. I wanted to show that even as he's falling in love with her he still doesn't think he's worthy of her at any level - he thinks she is in love with the image of himself not really him. I will now have to go back and re-read the vision paragraph. His Dad gave him the pocketwatch he always wore attached on a chain to the pocket of his vest. It's a family tradition in their family to pass it on to their sons - and Edward had no idea because his Dad waited until then to even tell him. I also wanted to add something in with his Dad because in the first HOD chapter Edward freaks out when he can no longer remember his Father's face. Now not only can he remember it but because he experienced the vision as a vampire he'll be able to relive it over and over in detail at will.  You definitely should show up to the thread - we all play nice there's no need to lurk. We have a lot of fun there. Plus there are other threads that are, I dare say, even more delightful. Stop by the one for Innocent Vigilant Ordinary - we have a blast there. :) Happy New Year to you as well. Books :)

Reviewer: the shrew (Signed) · Date: December 27, 2008 07:58 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Four - Deviant

Where are you going with this?  I am baffled, but in the best possible way.  It is so interesting to read this perspective, and now I have nothing more to read. *impatiently checking watch and tapping my foot*  Update already! ;)  I cannot wait until you pull this all together!

Great last paragraph!  I cannot wait to see what happens when these two finally get together.  If the glass shattering was any indication, I think there's gonna be a ginormous earthquake in Forks when they are "consciously intimate".  No wonder Edward takes her to the meadow! lol. :D

Author's Response:

Just between you and me *looks around from side to side* I have over 100 more pages written. I just need to divide them up into chapters and make sure that they are "right" in terms of story arc and characterization. The whole purpose of this section if I do it right, is for you to be able to re-read the first section of Cullenary Coupling and go oooooh and for the second section to make even more sense. After reading this chapter, do you now understand why Edward does not want to have sex with Bella? His first "sexual experience" was deeply traumatizing and very nearly killed her. And he's not sure what caused the glass to shatter and he's terrified. Remember this pushes all his buttons: his shame, his fear of discovery, he feels like he debased her when he was trying to help her for the best of intentions. Edward is a mess at the end of this chapter. And he's never truly confided in anyone in his family so Alice really catches him literally at his most vulnerable. And THAT is important.

All that I can say on the glass shattering and the expanding powers that Edward has and the ones that Bella has is that I ain't saying much. You will have to wait and see. I will promise you that I will do my best to get the next chapter up soon.

And I do have to warn you, when he takes her to the "meadow" you just might kill me.

Reviewer: the shrew (Signed) · Date: December 27, 2008 06:35 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Three - EdBargo

You are so freakin funny.  You had a lot of fun with the alliterations in this chapter, didn't you?  I think my favorite was "stolid simpleton."  There is so much to these chapters, that I don't really know where to start with comments.  Um, more shrew refs.  Rosalie and Lauren have had them.  Do the others get them as well?  I kinda like the idea of Bella having a Shrew moment, and Alice could be really scary if she had a shrew moment.  I'm just throwing things out there now. 

I am curious about the reasoning for taking this into AU territory.  Like why is it significant that she has asthma?  It's going to be neat to see how this all plays out. 

This is so cool to read.  There is so much to it.  I am still processing all of this, so maybe by the end of the day I can come up with something witty, but right now I got nothin'.  It's just plain, old fashioned good!

Author's Response:

I forgot to mention on your last review that I had so much fun with the last line in HOD chapter two. I knew about it for a few weeks and hugged it to my chesk laughing like a kid with a practical joke who was just DYING to tell someone about it. I was trying to aim for irony with Edward arguing that no one disrespects "my human" - as he is disrespecting her by calling her "my human" with his complete over-reaction to Mike asking her out - breaking his legs? Both of them? (Remember in 75 years Edward has never even raised his voice in a fight until that one with Rosalie and Jasper and now he's breaking both legs of a human?) With the innuendo of the last line. He's starting to think about her in a possessive sexual individualized way, but he's not really aware of it.

I'm taking this into AU territory because I wanted to take the idea of the Twilight series and turn it on its head and hopefully make a contribution that is distinctive compared to other fanfictions. has 46,000 stories and I don't have time to read all of them - but I've read a heck of a lot of them and have gone out of my way to make this as different as I possibly can manage while keeping it canon-esque. So I'm going to be taking it AU BUT answering many of the unanswered questions from the books in terms of character motivations and behavior. Hope that make sense.

The asthma will be significant in the next chapter. Also, it adds to the characterization of her upbringing. She has it, she's never realized she has it. Her parents knew about it and never bothered to have her monitored or checked for it. And they should have. Bella's  never lived in a cold climate - and speaking as an asthmatic when winter first kicks in it kind of sucks. I would have attacks just due to the weather shift. Also, since she's just moved to Forks for an extended period of time allergies that she might never have had could become manifest and trigger asthma. So there's lots of potential for asthma in the storyline. That's about all I can tell you, other than you might notice she didn't tell her Father she had it, or was medicated for it.

I know I'm throwing a lot at you all in these chapters. Please feel free to stop by the thread for more wittiness. I love discussing the story as you can tell. :)

I have thrown in more shrew references. Most of them are concerning Rosalie and Lauren because frankly their behavior merits it. Alice will have her moments but I don't know if shrew quite describes her when she has them. :)

And yes, I really did have fun with the alliterations. I haven't worked up more for the next chapter but I might branch out with assonance too - I like to live on the edge. :)

As ever, thanks so much for reviewing. It totally makes my day. :) I feel like I just got four Christmas presents from you.:)


Reviewer: the shrew (Signed) · Date: December 27, 2008 05:21 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Two - Mad, Bad, and Dangerous to Know

My God!  It's.........I'm actually kinda speechless.  Can I start with, I loved the last line! 

I thought I was confused at the beginning of this chapter.  It seemed to me that Edward was unaware of his delusions concerning Bella.  Like maybe he told himself it was one particular reason that he was interested in her, but that he really was in love with her and couldn't admit it.  Like he only pretended to his family to be interested in her, in his mind anyway, but what he thought  he was pretending, was real all along?  Am I making sense?   This is very different.  It's very heavy, and meaty to read.  I love it, but I think I may need to re-read it before I can fully appreciate it.  Very well done! :D

Author's Response:

Edward has no memories of certain human emotions. He remembers that he loved his mother and his father but he has gradually forgotten 90% of his human memories. And those he does remember usually surround his death. So if you could not remember what it felt like to have a friend when you were human, how would you know what a friend was as a vampire? Ditto for love. Edward has no idea what romantic love feels like. He was never in love as a human, has forgotten THAT emotion anyway and he has never been attracted to anyone as a vampire because he hates himself. So when he first meets Bella - he listens to Emmett's description that it was purely physiological. And he's desperate to keep his perfect record of 75 years (he's even livid that he was tempted and that his family knew) because his siblings do not know about his rebellious period and he and his parents have an unwritten agreement that it is never discussed. So Edward is all kids of torn up that his family will find out if they start digging about what happened in Chicago and he genuinely believes because remember he hates himself that they would be so aghast at him they'd ask him to leave. So Bella threatens him on multiple levels - emotionally, physically, spiritually, as well as his relationship with his family (and his notion of self). Does that make sense?

As for his relationship with Bella - one word Denial. Notice he calls her "my human" or "my singer" she's not a person to him at first, she's first a temptation then he likes the idea that there's someone out there that in some way "belongs" to him. Nature has designed her specifically for him, so he is increasingly becoming possessive of her - in his mind because of her scent. It's like a drug addict saying "this is MY heroin not yours" to addicts and NON-Addicts (humans) alike.

Thanks for your review. As ever, I love reading your comments. Books

Reviewer: the shrew (Signed) · Date: December 27, 2008 04:09 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness Part One - Pride and Tribulation

I'm baaaack! Mwahaha!  Okay, so yeah, big departure from earlier, but I really like this.  I love all of the questions you posted at the end.  I wondered about some of them, but I have my own answers for most of them.  Okay, I have my own answers for all of them, but that's only because I have an opinion on everything!  Even when I really shouldn't.

It's cool to see that you are delving into the "why?" of Edward.  He is so astounding to analyze.  I am a bit worn out after covering so much in a single chapter.  Although a lot of this chapter had some great  lines, I was particularly drawn to, "I had never in all my existence smelled much less imagined inhaling any fragrance on earth quite that exquisite. And I had concurrently never had such a strong desire to resist that instinctive drive."  I think that is an excellent way to describe Edward's conflict when he met Bella.  It had to be more than just resisting the smell of her blood, and you allude to the fact that he isn't just resisting because she is human; that there was something special and different in his connection to her.  Freakin love that!  I really do!

Can I tell you that this chapter was a bit painful to read, as I can relate more to Edward than I can to Bella? (*deadpanning* yes, I am secretly a vampire, and the Volturi are now on their way to kill me for admitting it.  hahahaha.  Lamest joke in existence, but what can you expect at 5 a.m.?  My stellar wit is asleep, though I remain awake.  It would surely beat me for my cheesiness, but what the mind doesn't know cannot hurt it, right? p.s. just assuring that I make this the longest aside ever!  Long live Comic Book Guy! :D ) Okay, back to Twilight.  Some of the ways you described his thoughts and reasoning were exceedingly close for comfort, but I still loved reading it.  Excellent job! :)

Author's Response:

Oh my shrewish friend,


I am so glad to see you have returned. See I always thought it was the "idea" of the smell much more so than how the smell actually "smelled". I mean I don't exactly go nuts over lavender you know? So to me by not specifically saying WHAT it smelled like but saying HOW that felt I thought it was more effective. And in my mind, Edward isn't so much resisting because she's a human - notice he's calling her "my human" - that becomes important - so much as his pride. He wants to hang onto his perfect record. He's desperate to be the perfect child. Because no one really knows about his rebellious years. And he wants to keep it that way. And Bella being around threatens that secret. As for his attraction to her - denial, denial, denial will be the theme of the day. I hope you are entertained by his mental contortions - I had him using the scientific method to justify everything. :)

I am anxiously awaiting with baited breath your opinion on the other chapters and thanks so much for reviewing this one. I am having so much fun with this story arc that I've extended it in a bit of self-indulgence. The main thing I was trying to get across in this chapter was that in SM-verse when you become a vampire you lose WHO you are. Think about all the friends you have. How did you make them? How do they compare to other friends you've had? I think in part what made the blood drinking vampires so unstable was because they simply couldn't remember being human and therefore couldn't relate. I think the vegetarians by avoiding blood managed to retain a teensy bit of their humanity and therefore could forge connections = albeit limited ones because of their practice of never being alone or too friendly. So I wanted to show how Edward fought and fought and fought to hang on to himself and gradually started losing, kicking, screaming, clawing desperately the entire way. This particular chapter sets up the conflict for the rest of the story.

I'm not going to be regurgitating Twilight as this is AU verse. But I hope you like what I'm doing with Edward, because I found his twisted mind so much more entrtaining that Bella's. :)


Thanks for reviewing again, hope your holidays are amazing. Stop by the thread for the story and say hello when you can.



Reviewer: RosieWilde (Signed) · Date: December 25, 2008 03:11 PM · On: Chapter 6: Lies, Dreams, and Schemes

So you're definitely team Edward, huh? I mean, really. Great story - I'm enjoying it loads :)

Author's Response:

Yes, I am team Edward. I will be doing bad baadd things to Jake in a few chapters. Hopefully it will make you laugh. :)

I'm glad you are enjoying the story. Thanks so much for your feedback.


Reviewer: notmyself (Signed) · Date: December 24, 2008 06:30 PM · On: Prologue: Bella, Sex, and Privacy

I'm not logged in to the forums yet. But just for you I'm joining up. After Christmas. Maybe then I'll have more than 10 seconds of my own time. But I'll definitely see you there. Thanks for the invite. *Blush.*



Author's Response:

Aw thank you Mia. The forums are a blast and everyone there is really nice. We all support each other and there is much snarkiness as well. I think you'll enjoy it. And definitely check out the thread for Innocent Vigilant Ordinary by OxyMoronic8.

We have a lot of fun parsing her prose.

Reviewer: aerialla (Signed) · Date: December 23, 2008 09:13 PM · On: Chapter 5: Indecent Exposure at the Thriftway on Aisle Three: Shameless Hussy Part One

You've done it now. I fell out of my chair.  Literally. Banged my knee against my desk and had a total Bella moment.  Between "Mike The Monster" and Jane I was laughing so hard and the next thing I knew my desk chair slipped out from underneath me.

Your humor is wonderful and I have a good feeling that I will be rereading this story every time I need a pick me up.  "Mike The Monster" indeed.

Author's Response:

I'm so glad you enjoyed reading that Aerialla. I just had so much fun writing it. And dare I say much more funny is on the way. Just you wait till I start torturing Jake. :) And Ben Cheney.

Reviewer: aerialla (Signed) · Date: December 23, 2008 08:42 PM · On: Chapter 4: Homework Was Never Supposed To Be This Much Fun

The image of Edward ripping the pasting off along with Bellas' jeans had me in stiches and explaining that the Volturi being described as Trekkies was priceless.

I am waiting for Edward to kill Mike especially after the comment that Bella's a$$ blushes.


Author's Response:

I promise that Mike is going to be tortured. A lot. And Edward will have a great part in it. I had to throw in the Star Wars references. I also have Star Trek references as well. How else do you explain Aro wandering around in robes in a store?

I'm just having so much fun with Mike. I loved how in his fantasy Alice and Rosalie are begging for their turn, and he's enhanced their bustlines as well. And the paparazzi shows up to take pictures of him like he's a celebrity. I had to go there. He's just so much fun to mock. :) I mean seriously, can you imagine Rosalie's reaction if he propositioned her?

Reviewer: notmyself (Signed) · Date: December 23, 2008 02:25 PM · On: Prologue: Bella, Sex, and Privacy

Yes, I understand about the anticlimaxic penchant of Edward's after that chapter. I mean... Holy Hockey sticks Batman! He knocked out the windows within a mile's radius. How in the world did he not shatter her eardrums? So if anything actually does happen, he's going to have to be a total girl and "Fake it" or go with the unconsccious Bella route. via; Of course we had sex. How can you not remember that? It was earth shattering. But hey, if you can't remember, maybe we should wait until you can remain conscious for the entire act. *bite bite* Damnation. She doesn't smell the same anymore. Oh well. Off to find another singer. Twas fun, Bells. Keep in touch.


Sorry for the rambling. Rather embarassing really. Even on the computer I have no filter and no sense of when to shut up. Hmm.



Author's Response:

I find your rambling highly entertaining myself. Please feel free to stop by my thread and ramble to your heart's content. I'm issuing you an invitation on a silver platter. :)

Honestly the whole eardrumthing hadn't occurred to me. Will have to give that more thought. I think for plot purposes I am going to use the argument that only glass was involved. Cause if he harmed people within a mile radius that would kinda suck for any sex life ever. I mean think about it. That was just a teensy orgasm. Foreplay added to that just might kill the entire population of the city. *snorts*

"So if anything actually does happen, he's going to have to be a total girl and "Fake it" or go with the unconsccious Bella route. via; Of course we had sex. How can you not remember that? It was earth shattering. But hey, if you can't remember, maybe we should wait until you can remain conscious for the entire act. *bite bite* Damnation. She doesn't smell the same anymore. Oh well. Off to find another singer. Twas fun, Bells. Keep in touch."


Oh my sweet baby Jesus. I laughed my head off reading that part of your review. It's a great thing I wasn't drinking anything or I would have spat and snorted it all over my keyboard and computer screen. You really have a gift with words and should pick up a pen and start writing satire. Seriously. :)


And I am related to people who have no filters. I find them highly entertaining. I've often thought about renting them out to parties to liven things up. You can't scare me. Seriously. :)





Reviewer: Cavriola (Signed) · Date: December 23, 2008 02:03 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Three - EdBargo

I am honored that you dedicate half of something to me, no, seriously. For my late-night ramblings. Many thanks.

Edward's emotional intelligence, or lack thereof: oh my. He figures "You don't send greeting cards to people you hate." Indeed. And the sentence "I had never heard the term "whipped" used in common parlance." rocks hard. The geek. And he counted her pairs of underwear, hahahahaha. Also, I wonder how soon he will completely forget to live in denial. He already slips and then adds something about "it would damage her blood" as an afterthought. By the way, told me that the notion "sexist pig" only became popular in the 60s. So would Starched Shirt Edward know of it? Maybe he would. Maybe he notices some select things.

What an entirely beautiful Jasper. Molasses drawl. Mmm. And much needed help to Edward.

Ben and Angela are good in several senses of the word, of course. Lauren's bacground sketch, nice. Gianni is interesting, and sounds very Italian, or very stereotypically Italian, anyway, which for comedy purposes is probably even better. The Cullens' relatives in Italy, snicker.

By now "Heart of Darkness" seems to me like an independent story. I find it difficult to remember that this and "Cullenary Coupling" are sort of the same thing. But I suppose the story is slowly turning back to the mood it had in the first chapters, as the flashback progresses to the present.

Tell Starched Shirt Edward I luv him, and I will read the other new chapter tomorrow, that is, after getting some sleep (it's past midnight here). And merry Christmas!


Author's Response:

Hi Cavriola,


I had to dedicate part of the chapter to you, as your insightful reviews really truly do help inspire the muses. What I found funny about the "You don't send greeting cards to people you hate" as a Southern girl, is just how little he understands people. And clearly he never saw the Godfather movies. *snorts* I had him counting her clothing for several reasons. First, he simply goes through all of her articles of clothes to learn more about her because he's curious. He's learned about fashion from his sisters and compares to his sisters this young lady is odd. Very odd. Second, on a more crude level, her underwear would be something that he might want to purloin, but he comes up with reasons why he can't. Practical reasons, mind you. He can't get caught. And the whole thinking about stealing it is something that was on a subconscious level. Starched Shirt Edward would freak if Edward really did swipe a pair. I knew about the sexist pig part and was probably trying to be too subtle there. I was trying to show the irony that Starched Shirt Edward has managed to pick up popular culture terms (mind you ones from the 1960's) But Edward hasn't.

It always bothered me how cardboard character like her friends were in the books. I wanted to flesh them out a little more and breathe life in to them. I actually really liked the character of Angela. Frankly, to me book Angela was far more interesting than Book Bella. Can you imagine a minister's daughter with a sweet nature falling for a vampire? And I wanted to show that shy Bella does have some friends, and for her that is a true accomplishment because she really is painfully shy.

I used to live in Rome. Gianni is a caricature of (some) of the Italian men I ran into on the streets. I want to make it clear that I adored living there, I just found it highly amusing that many American nonverbal communication behaviors got the Americans in trouble. It is not appropriate, for example to make eye contact with a male you don't know on the streets and smile like many Americans (at least those from the South) would do unconsciously. Many of my classmates that lived in Rome with me at the time found that out the hard way much to their distress. And I had to have Jasper pull the "My Mafia can kick your Mafia's butt" line. Had to.

Honestly, in terms of story arc this was a light moment in heart of darkness there will only be two more really light moments in the arc coming up, the rest is going to cover the tough parts: her finding out the secret, him dumping her. So the accusation could be made that the tone will be flipping back and forth from pure angst to humor. And I'll take that one on the chin happily. The whole point of this section is to explain the first part of the story and breathe life into the latter part. Especially with the most recent chapter that I've posted.


Merry Christmas right back at you! Starched Shirt Edward (and the Predator I have named Jugurtha) both send you their love.

Stop by the story thread some time and say hello. :)  Books

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