The beginning of this KILLED ME. Edward SO needs a Xanax. As always, your brilliance astounds me.  

Author's Response:

Thanks Miss Poison. I was aiming for him being restrained because since his newborn year he has not let anyone know at all of his displeasure at being a vampire. So he is distraught and blocking Jasper's ability to read it and doesn't want Carlisle to know so he's blaming it all on this new power. I wanted to show him fall apart over the course of the chapter without looking weak. And I wanted to give Bella a chance to shine. And you are of course correct if Xanax could work on vampires, Edward would be a clear candidate for it. Since it doesn't the only outlet he has is running. With Bella being sick he hasn't been taking time to do his runs which also has contributed to him falling apart.

And wow, brilliant? *blushes* Thank you so much for your feedback. I'm just stunned people are reading this. When I first started posting I thought the only one who would be reading it would be me checking for typos. :)

Best,

Books :)

You're ruining me for other stories, you know.  I can't go back to reading other stories after reading the latest chapter of this one, because it isn't fair to them, they pale in comparison.  You've created the best characterization of Edward in all of ff.  IMO, of course.  SM told us that Edward speaks like he's from another time, perhaps because he says please and thank you?  Your Edward uses archaic words and phrases, and truly does sound out of place in the present.  Your Edward is feeling the pull of humanity that he gave up feeling, and he's learning that he really does miss it.  This is one of the smartest Twillight fanfics I've ever read, probably the smartest.  Ok, ok, enough of my gushing.  But I do need to add - I'm happy that Predward got a name.  :)

Author's Response:

Aw Chloe9, thank you so much! Your help really did make this chapter easier to write. I sincerely value your feedback. I'm glad that the Predator got the name too, although I can't claim credit as my brother suggested it. He had a coworker at work get pregnant and they were asking him for a list of ugly baby names and that was his suggestion. I remembered it when I was thinking of names for the Predator and did some research and liked the idea of Jugurtha because he literally scared the togas off the Romans. They thought he was a ghost that could not be stopped - so I liked the terror and fearless warrior image. And I wanted to pick something that few people had heard of so it wouldn't have a pop culture connection. But everyone's suggestions for names to be rejected I just adored and had to put in. I think SM was trapped in her writing because of her audience that she targeted. She was aiming for young teens and didn't want to use big words - at least that is my opinion. I was disappointed reading MS, although I do realize that since it was an early draft my criticism is most likely unfair - because I felt that Edward didn't sound "old" or "smart" enough. And I expected there to be a huge difference between his thoughts and what came out of his mouth in terms of speech. This story, although my first fanfic, was my response to that - and to what she did to his character in BD. For those who loved BD I support their right to love that or any other book. It for me just killed Edward's character. Writing CC was my way of trying to figure out some of the issues in the Twilight Saga that I felt never were fleshed out enough to my satisfaction. I just didn't think that Edward could realistically fall in love with Bella that quickly to that extent given that he sincerely hates himself and has consistently done so for over seven decades. I wanted to make a characterization of him where he's fighting it every step of the way and does indeed come across as a bastard while still being someone that you could relate to. That's why I had him bruise her face the night of the accident to hide his finger marks. That's why I had him unleash Jacob hell on her in this chapter to scare her. He's ruthless and he'll do whatever he deems necessary to accomplish his goals. What I've been trying to do with the humanity issue is argue that Edward has missed it every single second of every day that he's been immortal. What has made it so difficult for him is that his memories despite how hard he fought in HOD chapter one have been slowly fading. You can't hold onto what you don't remember - and he's been frantically trying to hang onto what he can. So you have that issue and then he starts touching Bella and getting these visions that are bringing back human memories. For him it's just amazing at first because it's a dream come true. And him having his heart start - I wanted that to just be heartbreaking (pardon the pun) because he has never shared with his family how much he hates being a vampire so he's trying to be excited but not too excited so he doesn't offend anyone - and when it stops - he can't tell anyone how much that hurts - because again, he's created this web of lies to protect himself. I wanted to show Edward trapped in his own web literally on the rack in this chapter to give him a chance to be vulnerable and to give Bella a chance to shine but still be realistic. I'm a huge fan of Innocent Vigilant Ordinary by Oxymoronic8 and Wide Awake by AngstGoddess003 if you haven't read them. Definitely some of the best writing I've read well. ever.

I'm glad you like Edward's vocabulary. I had someone on ff.net leave me a hilarious review telling me that they liked the story and thought that maybe so few people were reviewing it because I used such big words. He/She was really sweet about it and thanked me for making him/her use a dictionary. With Edward and Bella's relationship what I've been trying to argue is that with SM's notion of vampires losing their human memories - how do you know you are in love if you can't remember what love felt like? That's Edward's problem combined with that whole pesky "I hate myself" issue. What you will see in the next few chapters is him gradually starting to re-experience all these human emotions and he's going to be bewildered and fascinated at the same time.

Working on the next chapter now, but don't expect to get it up till next week. I've posted a spoiler on the thread. As ever, your feedback is very much appreciated. Thanks so much. :) Books

I really am loving this story especially when it combines comedy and drama, suspense and mystery. It's interesting to see Edward's thoughts so incredibly fleshed out, because we all know he overthinks and analyses everything to death (hee). Angel & devil, tend to get along very well in the form of Starched Shirt & Jugurtha I LOVE Starched Shirt Edward. Don't worry Jugurtha has a soft spot too. Their inner dialogue always cracks me up. Definitely one of my top favourite stories! 

This chapter was heart wrenching at moments with Edward struggling against his memories and lost sense of humanity, but Bella as always handled it with such grace even if she didn't know what exactly was going on.

Hezekiah's a hoot and the powers are really interesting, especially as it helped to expose the truth. 

Loving it tons books! :):) Cannot wait for moreee. *blows kisses at Jugurtha*

 

Author's Response:

Hi Blazefury,

Thanks so much for your review. I was worried when I first wrote this chapter and sat on it a little while longer because I always put humor in the end and frankly, couldn't find many places where it fit. It bothered me in the Jacob POV section of BD because even though it had some hilarious moments they just seemed out of place given that the woman he felt he loved was dying in front of his eyes. Mind you no one died in this chapter but I didn't want to make the tone of it disjointed. I'm glad to know my attempts to combine humor, drama, suspense and mystery are working - this is my first fanfiction. :) And it delights me to know that this is one of your favorite stories. Writing is hard work and hearing that someone likes it just makes my day.

I wanted in this chapter to show Edward literally on his knees vulnerable with no one he could turn to because of his self-made prison. I wanted to show him realistically broken, and my goal was to show that Bella snuck up on him literally and was tender and loving but quietly supportive without making her come across as Super Bella. They way I've written her she is shy. She's always been shy and she'll always be shy. She might warm up to the Cullens and talk more around them, but it will never stop the impulse of being shy. So writing her dialogue has always been difficult as I usually end up cutting half of it to keep her within character. That's why I didn't have her say anything to him - she didn't have the words to do much. And frankly, he wasn't in any shape to listen. Instead me tells him that he's strong and brave and she admires him while stroking his hair (role reversal that I liked) as he falls asleep. I wanted to show her comforting him without it being perceived as sexual but it still being perceived as something brave on her part but believably brave if that makes sense. To me what made it heartwrenching was that every time his heart starts beating, he starts feeling more "human" and his body starts acting more "human" He cries at the end of the chapter - real tears rather than venom and starts having these human feelings that he has forgotten wash over him. Part of my characterization of Edward has always relied on the idea that he does not know he's in love with Bella because his human memories have faded - along with his memories of what it meant to "feel" many emotions. Love didn't hit him in this chapter, but other emotions did. So this was a huge step for him.

I loved Hezekiah - he's such a grouchy codger. I had to include him every chance I could. And I loved the joking between the two.

The next chapter is already partially written. I have to leave town this week so won't be able to work on it until next. But I'll do my best to really make it a good one. :) thanks so much for your review. :) Books

aaaaa!!! more more more!!! :D

ive been reading this bit by bit over the pas week, taking for granted the fact that all i had to do was click next to read the rest, but now!! alas,, there was no 'next'!!!! hahhaha,,, cant wait for the next chappyy!!

 

Author's Response:

Hi Tuff-Duck! Did you read chapter ten heartbeats and lullebies? I posted it 24 hours ago. Are you telling me you devoured 75 pages that quickly? Yeesh. I'll type faster. Swear. *grins* I am very happy that my twisted imagination is entertaining you. I have the next chapter 3/4 of the way written but since I just posted yesterday am giving myself at least a week to polish it so it's ready for posting. I do promise that I'll do my very best to entertain you with it. :) Thanks so much for reviewing! :) Books

Oh My God, that was too funny! Everything. Jane and Tyler. Mike. And the left boob comment.

 

Author's Response:

I wanted to throw Jane and Tyler into a room because they are the last couple I could envision being together in the Twilight Universe. And just so you know, I had so much fun writing them that I will of course...waaaay down the road be writing more about their romance. Thanks so much for your review, Re-Re. Books :)

Awesome chapter. Hilarious. SO well-written.

Author's Response:

Aw thanks Miss Poison! I sat on it for over a week because it didn't feel "done". So I ended up shuffling scenes around and adding a few things in (naming of the Predator) and felt better. I'm happy to know that you enjoyed it. I hope you continue to enjoy future chatpers. Thanks so much for supporting this story. :) Books

I must say that your story was the straw that broke the camel's back and made me register. I've been reading it for quite a while, and I just couldn't stand not giving you feedback any more. So thank you for making me get off of my butt and get involved.

I really do enjoy reading this. It's so in depth, and I love your characterization of Edward. His split personalities and his handling of them make me laugh every time. Starched Shirt Edward has a special place in my heart. I just  want to give him a hug and tell him to chill. Your vocabulary also makes me smile. In the hospital chapter, I literally had to stop and give a cheer because "defenestrate" is my favorite word in the English language and your story is the first place I have ever seen it used. You earned my admiration for that alone. :)

I especially enjoyed this chapter because Bella gets to come into her own a bit. For a while now, I've been a bit frustrated with her because she's seemed so weak. (I do realize that she's been either unconscious or ill for most of the story, and Edward does tend to look down on her as weaker than he. But still.) I enjoyed her taking care of Edward for once. Also the fact that she put him in his place with her school work made me giggle. Go Bella! I'm looking forward to seeing where you take them next!

 

Author's Response:

Hi Starling Rising,

I am just floored. You registered to comment? I'm sitting here squeeing. :) Thanks so much I am really flattered.:) There are threads on the discussion forums for many of the stories here at Twilighted.net. I warn you that they are addictive - you should come stop by some time. I can't take credit for defenestrate. My brother suggested it, and he's more of a nerd than I am, but I adored it so had to find a place to use it and connecting it to the treaty for me was gold. I've had a few people write reviews telling me that I made them have to use a dictionary and maybe that's why so few people were reading it - which kind of made me laugh. I thought Edward should sound more educated and formal, hence his vocabulary. And Starched Shirt Edward - to me is the young man that would have been had Edward not died. To me he's Edward's last bit of hope - lurking in his mind reminding him of the "right" thing to do - and not always being right but definitely trying.

I know that I've had Bella knocked out for far too long. Part of it was the pacing. I had to slow the story down to a snail's pace in order to show all the events that happen while she's in the hospital because it literally sets up the rest of the story. I've had pneumonia 3 times. I know how it feels and Bella would basically be asleep or hacking up a lung, mabye both. So I had to write in time for her to recover. I wanted to use the most recent chapter as a way of showing that Edward is slowly ever so slowly starting to see her as a person - yet still has a way to go. But he took a huge step in this one in actually crying in front of her. Love the use of But still in your review. It made me laugh. It's one of my favorite Edward-isms.

Bella will be coming into her own in the next few chapters I swear. I had to start out with her coming across as weak for character development purposes. She's done a few things in the past (standing up to the groper), but I am writing her keeping in mind that she is a shy person. Shy people do not suddenly become un-shy. She will gradually talk more around the Cullens when she becomes comfortable with them - but people who are as shy as I've written Bella are shy at school, are shy at home, are shy with friends, etc. So it's driving me nuts trying to write her because I end up cutting her dialogue in half.

To me this scene in the bedroom is the beginning of seeing a stronger Bella. I wanted to do something to show her being distinctive while still a shy person. We'll see more of Bella in the upcoming chapters. Do me a favor and let me know if you like what I'm doing with her. And thanks so much for your feedback. :) Books

I am always so blown away by this story!

Jugurtha..in a tight pair of jeans and barefoot...no words for how awesome that image is.

Looking forward to more quality singer time!

Author's Response:

Jugurtha shirtless was answering a special request, and I can't claim credit for that idea. I realized that I had never really physically described Jugurtha although I certainly had spent time talking about Starched Shirt Edward's blushing cheeks and sweating face and outfit. So Jugurtha needed some love. Besides, he really helped Edward out during Jasper's vision - so I felt the need to give him a name at that point. I might find the need for him to take off his shirt from time to time since he's realized how much it disturb's the Edwards. *evil grin*

You definitely will be getting lots more quality singer time. I have to explain how he came to have the habit of sleeping with her, you know? Then there's that whole pesky Fake Girlfriend issue. ....

Thanks so much for the review elphabacy35 :) Books

Yes. I noticed that he still grouped her as a possession.

But I also noticed that more and more he is having to remind himself that he is only with her for her scent. If he wants to do something nice for her, it's for her own good...and the improved access to her scent.

You show very thoroughly and effortlessly how he is coming to get to know and want her for herself, with the smell the added bonus, rather than a good game of chess now and then being the bonus. I don't quite know how to descibe the things that i noticed, but I did, nevertheless.

You have a depth like few others in your writing. Would that Meyers had had your talent for subtlety and humour. Then I might have had an actual shot at getting my mother and husband to read the books.

I have two favorite authors here. You and GiveUsaKiss. Both equal for completely different reasons. You both amaze me with your originality. But I must say, I do feel so grateful for how very long your chapters are. For even if you leave us with a horribly cliffhanger, the length of your post, (now doesn't that sound dirty) leaves me satisfied enough to happily wait for more.

 

~Mia

Author's Response:

Oh Mia, thanks so much. If you haven't tried out Wide Awake by Angst Goddess or Innocent Vigilant Ordinary by Oxymoronic8 you definitely should. Both are exceptionally well written.

In my mind, Edward is not just going to cave in a few weeks after lurking in the shadows sniffing Bella. In my mind he's constructed this elaborate series of excuses that allows him to be around her, but he has to keep reminding himself of them because, he's in denial about being in love with her. In my mind, you don't undo 88 years of self-loathing in a heartbeat. In this chapter I literally broke him emotionally. I wanted to show what it took to make him finally throw in the towel and actually show genuine emotion and cry. And I had a friend read the story and comment that she saw Bella as weak most likely because Edward did, and that made me sit up and take notice. I have a hard time writing Bella dialogue because I don't have as good a grip on her character in my mind than I do Edward. And most Bellas in most stories don't stand out in my mind - mine included. So I wanted to do something to make her distinctive that still made her within character. I liked the banter between them in the first part of Twilight. I felt that the banter and tension kind of died off after the meadow scene. And I didn't want that to happen here. She captures his notice because she's one of the few humans to argue with him in her quiet way and that can beat him mentally at things like chess. To Edward that makes her exceptional. Bella, for her part, is thankful that he's not giving her a hard time for being too smart.

I'm laughing at the post comment. I did use virgin stub you know...and post for that matter when describing the unfortunate Jacob Black. *snorts*

And I certainly did a cliffe in the last chapter but didn't intend for this one to come across like a cliffe. Keep in mind since you know that they are alive and in one piece at the beginning of CC there's only so much I can do with cliffes in this part of the story. Now once we pick back up and are in the present anything is fair game. But we won't be there for a while. I still have to get Edward to admit he's fallen in love. Stubborn goat. :)  Books

Awww, Dream Edward... I missed you!

I am thoroughly shocked that Starched Shirt Edward allowed the co-sleeping.

Awesome chapter, although I had to read it twice to catch everything... love it.

Author's Response:

Hi historicvampirelover!

Thanks so much for your feedback. I put a lot of clues and hints in that chapter so reading it carefully is a good thing. I'm glad you liked it - cause I don't know that I can post a 75 page chapter again. I wanted to have it start and end with Edward in bed.

My goal in the Starched Shirt Edward approving the sleeping arrangement was to emphasize that Edward at that moment is at the lowest point of his life. He absolutely loathes not only himself but every single second of being a vampire. The only joy in his life has been his family (who he has kept at a distance) and Bella (who he is starting to know although he's painfully shy and it's difficult for him). When you take Jasper's vision (all that pain magnified by Jasper's gift, throw in Edward torn between protecting Bella and chomping on her neck, add in his freaking out about control), remind him of what a miserable job he's done living up to the Masen name as he remembers his human Father at long last, and then give him half of humanity - over and over again he couldn't take it. Having his heart beat, smelling his blood, praying that this time his heart wouldn't stop was bad enough, feeling real tears on his face rather than venom reminded him all over again that despite his hope his heart would stop. He does not weep in front of people (aside from his newborn days) and the fact that he allows Bella to comfort him is HUGE. Not only that, but I threw in the Starched Shirt Edward comment to emphasize that when he was crying, he was not thinking of Bella in a sexual sense. He needed her on the purely emotional level, and Starched Shirt Edward realized that.

Towards the end you see him trying to rationalize his behavior and excuse it. But Edward in this chapter is starting to see Bella as Bella not as his singer. He's seeing her intelligence, her stubborness, her tact, and her strength. He's stil calling her his human because he's still in denial, but he just lost a big fight (or won depending on your view) with his master plan.

Thanks as ever for your feedback. :) Books

 

I had to go back and review this chapter.

Poor horny, repressed Edward! Living all those decades with three happy couples. The poor boy is lucky he didn't 'splode! Bella's lucky he has self-control!

Can't wait until they get married!

Author's Response:

Hey Bkwrm!!!

Neither can I. :) And I hope you like the way I write their wedding. :) Thanks so much for reviewing this chapter. I look back on it and cringe as it was one of the first things I wrote, so I am very grateful you're not throwing things at me. :)

I tried to take the image of Jasper being out of control and use it not only in the Bachelor party but also with HOD arc so I wanted this chapter to foreshadow it.

And you're right about Edward and how much it had to seriously suck living with blissfully in love couples. :)

I always thought it was kind of funny in the books that she really seemed to have no understanding of how close she came to being bitten when she pushed his buttons. So I wanted to play with that in this story. His bloodlust for her will never go away in my mind. :)

Best,

Books

I really don't know where to begin with my review.  So much stuff happened in this chapter.  You have put so much thought into getting your characters to where they are today.  It is mind boggling and a credit to your committment to the story. 

Anything great job and I'm interested to see how you get him from where he is in this section to his state of mind at the beginning of the story.  He is obviously losing the battle with himself in regards to her only attraction being her scent.

Can't wait for more.

Jaime

Author's Response:

Hey Jaime,

Yeah, I bit off a lot when I started this, I know. Thanks so much for the review. :) Keep in mind that the first arc is written in 3rd person but not 3rd person Omni. So you sort of know his state of mind but I didn't include SSE and the Predator because I wanted to save them for this arc. When this is finished in a bazillion words, *snorts* we'll resume with him walking up the stairs to chat with Bella - and he will of course be accompanied by SSE and the Predator and any other voice I decide to give him. What you definitely should notice in the first arc is his feeling of gratitude for her presence in his life combined with trepidation because he does not want to push her and he can see that she's fragile.

Currently in HOD, he is definitely losing the battle but he is still fighting the good fight. Rock stubborn our dear Edward is. Notice his references to marriage in the chapter. :) Another hint that he's constructing elaborate explanations for keeping her around. In his mind, marriage is not for love, although if she loves him that certainly would help speed matters along. Marriage means 24/7 access to her scent....and perhaps some earth trembling sex....but her scent....and that earth trembling. Drat.

I've got the current chapter written. I'm just whittling it down and polishing it. I don't know when I'll have it up because it does not feel "done". Again, thanks so much for your support of this story. Best, Books :)

Hi books!  Another glorious chapter!  I loved it!  I hate to say this, but, erm, the Predator is becoming my favorite.  He is starting to take on a whole new personality and it's hilarious!  I still, of course, LOVE Starched Shirt Edward and hope that he will say several Hail Marys and Our Fathers for me! 

Should he ask again, please remind him that my name "changed_by_edward" embodies the spirits of all three Edwards whom we have all come to know and love via your wonderful portrayal of their tale!  That should satisfy his pondering! 

Sorry to hear that RL is so busy for you.  I certainly know the feeling!  I hope that you catch a breather soon and can regale us with further adventures of The Predator (name him, please), Starched Shirt Edward, and of course, Dream Edward. 

Edward is sleeping?  Curiouser and curiouser!  Can't wait to read the next installment!

*blows kisses at The Predator, SSE, and DE*  (and of course, you my love!)

 

Author's Response:

Hey Changed_by_Edward! I'll take love beamed at the Predator any day. I realized when I was writing that I was giving far too much attention to SSE in comparison to the Predator and that I needed to give him more to do. He has already been named by me, but I have been taking suggestions for names to reject and worked them into the current chapter. I plan on naming him in the next chapter. I love the comment about what your name represents and the Predator and Dream Edward are both beaming at you.

RL has me busy so I'm not having much time to write at present - I probably won't have anything up this weekend, maybe next week sometime although I have the draft written. It's just not ready yet. Edward's condition will be the first thing addressed in the next chapter. Swear.

Starched Shirt Edward is winking at you.  Books :)