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Reviews For Cullenary Coupling
Reviewer: SueBob (Signed) · Date: August 03, 2009 08:58 PM · On: Chapter 5: Indecent Exposure at the Thriftway on Aisle Three: Shameless Hussy Part One

This is too funny for me to express appropriately. Thank you so much for giving me a lift when I so needed it!

Author's Response:

Hi there SueBob!

I'm slapping myself officially for not responding to your review earlier. Sleep deprivation is a bad thing. :) Thanks so much for the review and the feedback. I'm delighted that I could bring joy to your day. And I have many more laughs packed into this story. Swear. I hope to keep you laughing. :)



Reviewer: fanficreader83 (Signed) · Date: August 03, 2009 09:51 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

That was the perfect way to deal with billy (who I might add just gets creepier as you continue ;)...  I can't even imagine what was going through bella's head when she thought she had 'attacked' edward, I was glad he could clear things up though so she didn't feel too uncomfortable and for the poor girl, if she really had done that to him I would want her to be able to remember it!  I definitely did not see this type of behavior from the visitors coming  ;)  can't wait to see where this goes!!! 

Author's Response:

Hi there Fanficreader83!

Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad you liked my twisted way of dealing with Billy. I liked the idea of his sister having the last word, so to speak. But I also liked the idea of John Quill getting to have a vote. In my mind, Bella would be absolutely freaked when she wakes up and finds herself clutching Edward's shirt. She was mortified when his sisters described it earlier (her behavior) and had made the comment that Edward probably thought she was some kind of psycho stalker. So in her mind, she's taken advantage of him. Again. He keeps her from having nightmares - at least she thinks he does. So she's panicked that he won't want to be around her because she stripped him of his shirt. And she's not quite sure if he "gave" it to her at her bequest or if she took it off of him herself. Hence. Bella is a wee bit upset. Flustered. Mortified. Fun to write.

I'd definitely want to remember that if I were in her place. Glad I managed to surprise you with the newborns. They were so much fun.



Reviewer: jenejes (Signed) · Date: August 03, 2009 04:49 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

Wow. you know this is madness, right? Books, I've got to say that anyone who ever thought of making you angry really, really needs to read about that bastard Billy Black. I never ever want to do anything even remotely close to making you angry, because quite frankly, after reading that, I'm kind of scared of you. However, I quickly came to my senses and remembered that I love you because is the coolest, craziest and most wonderfuly absurd story I've ever read. Liam..I notice that you don't claim his as your that because he is somehow going to be the Irish coven Liam from the books? That has me a little confused, that and I'm not sure a mere mortal could have actually accomplished all the wackiness that describes him...

Oh, and Edward is going to go completely crazy with all these personalities, is he? Just wanted to make sure.


Author's Response:

Hi there Jenejes!

Yep. I'm certifiably nuts. Pun intended. I had a lot of fun writing that scene. I liked the idea of the irony of Billy trying to force Jacob to phase and all along his sister is a wolf. And he's been treating her like garbage for years, and the second he started getting shifty-eyed towards Charlie, she decides to take care of business. And thanks for the kind words on the story. When I started writing it, my goal was to bend over backwards to make it as different as I could from other stories out there. I'm bowled over that folks are enjoying it. CC Liam is not a character from the Twilight saga books. I didn't really get around to looking up all the names of the vampires that made flitting appearances in breaking dawn because (with all due respect to those who liked the book) I'd gouge my eyes out before I read it again. So thanks for giving me a heads up on that, I'll put a note in the next chapter. I don't want to, by using a name that was in the series, have people thinking I'm going somewhere I'm not. You spoil me so!

Liam is 100% mortal. Certifiably nuts by many people's standards, but 100% mortal, that also goes for Genevieve and Jericho.

When I came up with the idea of Starched Shirt Edward - the idea kind of evolved. At first I just wanted him to represent the Edward that existed prior to the change - the sweet young man who was bewildered by what was going on around him but believed in the goodness of the world around him. I changed it to be a parody of the superego. And Jugurtha is a parody of the id. They are not separate personalities - all are part of Edward's brain. I just gave them names. You have a SSE in your brain, a Jugurtha, too, according to Freud. So Edward is not suffering from multiple personality disorder. If he was, then SSE or Jugurtha could take over his body and Main Edward would literally have periods of time he couldn't remember because one of the other "personalities" would be in control. Hope that made sense. If it doesn't, please feel free to PM me.

Edward will go all kinds of bonkers in this story. Soon.

As ever, thanks for the amazing review and your support of this story,



Reviewer: nofangsallowed (Signed) · Date: August 02, 2009 07:12 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Nineteen - Be Still My Beating Heart

Awesome chapter!  So much in it.  The stuff with Charlie had me laughing so hard!  He so deserved it, and I'm glad your Cullens had so much fun with it.

Skeevy gives me the skeevies and Violet Gorgon makes Genievive look tame.  Can't wait to read more.

Author's Response:

hi there nofangsallowed!

Thanks so much for the awesome review! I have to admit, I have a "that's soooo wrong meter," and if I get an idea that fits it, I have to find a way to write it. I liked the sterotypical situation of the boyfriend lurking in the girlfriend's room hiding from the father and thought hmmm let's get Edward naked and Charlie sort of naked and see what happens. So I had a lot of fun with that scene. I also liked showing Charlie being either really perceptive or ...not. And it was important to me to give Carlisle and Esme more of a role in this story than they had in Twilight and the other books.

Skeevy and Violet Gorgon are most defiitely creepy. Glad that part worked. :)

Thanks for the feedback!



Reviewer: Mizra (Signed) · Date: August 02, 2009 06:16 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

*spits* BILLY LOST HIS TESTICLES?! OMG, that is definitely better than canon. You were not kidding about the "hang on for the ride" part. lol, I needed that so badly today.... lolroflxd

*bows to the queen of funny things that happen in twilight non-canon*

Author's Response:

Hey Mizra,

If you want to be technical about it, canon never dictated he had them (or did not). Therefore, i felt free to do what I wanted with them. And his ahem research. Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad I could make you laugh. :)



Reviewer: MiaCullen (Signed) · Date: August 02, 2009 06:49 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Seven - My Queen

"So I was never giving my singer another piece. This was a true sacrifice on my part. I couldn't have her cheating on me with a common Hershey's bar."  that was too cute :] He's a controlling little thing though, isn't he? But it's out of love! :D

Ahahaha he was going to try to get her to wear a helmet all the time! And put freaking bedrails on the side ofher bed! TOO FUNNY! He was making it sound all rational in his head, and not completely crazy.His brain works in odd ways.

I don't know why, but this line was too good! "Rosalie stuttered, 'Wait - Edward. Edward? Went into a mall?'" it was just so funny! i could picture it so well!

That whole thing with Jacob at the hospital was brilliant! It was so funny how Edward would kiss her head and Jake would get all pissy and she's like, "I don't know you! WTF?!" And the best part was the the doctors were betting on it! OH! and Edward kept saying "human" and I don't think he really noticed. He'd be like, "do you like this human?" or "coat for humans". She just didn't realize that there was a difference :P

HE CALLED HER HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!! even if it was just to piss off Jacob and because all the hospital staff thought they were dating.

AND THEY ALL CLAPPED WHEN HE LEFT WITH BELLA AND JACOB DIDN'T! omg that was so funny! I could not stop laughing!

"Drat. He would have made a divine hood ornament. I would have been the envy of my entire family." :D I can see this in my head so clearly. Jacob's head on the hood of the car with a bone in his mouth and a smug Edward driving really fast down the freeway, his arm around Bella in the passneger seat :]

Author's Response:

Hi there Mia!

I must admit I had a lot of fun with that chapter. And if you like Jacob torture. The next two should have you over the moon.

I liked the idea of Edward being so possessive of her that he was jealous of chocolate. He wanted to make sure that HE was the only one triggering the pleasure centers of her brain. The "do you like this human," to me was a sign that a) he looks down on Jacob and b) he's not used to mingling with humans on a conversational level. And I particularly liked him declaring her his girlfriend in order to enrage Jacob but also because it allows him to save face. He does it to protect her to test the waters. The section with his family was my attempt to indirectly characterize Edward so the readers could see the significance of all he's doing from his family's point of view. And I liked Rosalie, who has the psychiatric training freaking out about Edward's behavior in regards to shopping. She's beginning to clue in to the fact that he really must have strong feelings for Bella.

Thanks so much for the review. And I'm delighted you enjoy my sick twisted humor. More of it is up ahead.



Reviewer: jenejes (Signed) · Date: August 02, 2009 04:01 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Nineteen - Be Still My Beating Heart

P.P.S. Jasper, an immortal force containing your brother-in-law that you accidentally turned murdered the entire Hale family on July 19th, 1863 and burned their bodies and the house to ashes. Sorry.'”


Shouldn't this line read Whitlock, not Hale?

Love your story so rock Books!

Author's Response:

Hi there jenejes!

Thanks so much for calling that to my attention. I thought I had fixed that, and probably did it in one version and got distracted and forgot the other. Thanks for catching it. Gah!


This is what happens when you are old and sleep deprived. :) You spoil me so!



Reviewer: M Logan (Signed) · Date: August 02, 2009 01:44 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness Part One - Pride and Tribulation

You did such a great job at capturing Edward's past!  This really helps to understand why he hates himself so much. I feel so sad for him. ;(  I know it will get better....  (Sniff)

Author's Response:

Hi there M Logan!

I'm glad you liked that chapter - it was hard to write. I didn't want to spew the exact events described in the TS back at you so I changed some key elements and that sets up the rest of the story. What you should walk away from that chapter knowing is that Edward has never told anyone that he hates being a vamipre. He's never had help dealing with it, therefore, because Carlisle had no idea the depth of his suffering. Edward has also never let his family know what really happened in Chicago, and he was secretly relieved to have other siblings join because it meant less attention would be paid to him. BUT it also meant the power dynamic had changed and that more people could vote him out of the family. Edward has forgotten what "love" feels like. He does not understand that Carlisle and Esme love him. So he thinks that they could kick him out without a second thought if he's not careful.

He'll get real funny next chapter. Promise. It can't be all gloom. :)



Reviewer: elphabacy35 (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 11:13 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

Hey Books. This chapter came just in time for my birthday! Well, when it came yesterday, but I had to go out and celebrate this birthday so I just got to read it now.

I love Edward being jealous of his shirt. That is so typical Edward, and very endearing.

Billy with(out) his testicles and all the fainting, that was some excellent writing my friend.

I love the giftcard and the note Charlie sent. You may recall that I had a little issue with how Charlie was berated for not knowing about clothes, but I love how that was handled.

Tell SSE the flowers are beautiful , as usual!


Author's Response:

Hi there elpahbacy35!

Thanks so much for your review. SSE wants to know if you will take him to mass tomorrow. He's blinking at you piteously. He feels after this last chapter the need to not only go to mass, but perhaps a trip to the confessional. Or two. Or three.

I had to have Edward jealous of someone. He's really jealous of Dream Edward - which to me is like channeling Cyrano - and I find highly entertaining. He thinks that Bella only cares about Dream Edward, not the Real Edward - and to a certain extent he does have a point. He's never shown her (or anyone else) the Real Edward.

I'm delighted you enjoyed Lady Karma paying Billy a visit. I liked having Paula go all wolfie on him. and I liked the quite threat of John Quill. That scene had so much energy and action in it, I just wanted it to end on a contemplative note - reminding the readers that Billy might have killed those people - but he has plenty of secondary victims walking around.

I think it's kind of normal for many fathers to not know the sizes of their children's clothes if they never buy them. I love my brothers dearly but I only bought them ties when we were growing up. I had no clue what their sizes were. My Dad always bought shoes with me, but my Mom always bought my clothes. So I can totally see Charlie not giving it a second thought and not thinking that he had an issue with it because with Bella living with her Mom and visiting in the summers his Mom took care of that. I don't see anything malicious in Charlie's behavior. But I wanted to write something that was true to the sad fact that 50% of divorced men when their children leave the state lose touch with them. Charlie may have seen his daughter - but he lost touch with her when Renee took her and left. And Charlie, in my mind has been grieving not only the death of his marriage, but also the death of his parents and uncle. And he's never dealt with them all so he has his head in the sand. So he got a wake up call. In my mind he's going to pay more attention to his daughter, but it's not going to change his essential stick his head in the sand approach to conflict.

SSE is sending you more flowers for your birthday.



Reviewer: sariedee (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 11:05 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

lol...i guess i can admit the i get a little alice-y in my enthusiasm. i am typically a fairly wired person...and then i love talking about fic. mostly bc i only know one person who reads it, and my husband just makes fun of me lol

and i am so ridiculous that i am reviewing a second time to tell you these things...first, now i have to run off and reread chapter 1...and now i feel like i need to go back and review it, but i am guessing review 2.0 will do just fine. let me tell you...barely into chapter one and i am missing sse...i mean there is sex and and preaching of purity! lmao and i forgot how hilarious the "sex talk" was! ah crap i wasn't even reading chapter 1 yet...jeez. lemme try this again lol ha...okay there it was. clever on your part...we'd have never guessed newborns meant the "sextuplets" lol it is amazing how different chapter 1 is compared to now. now i want to reread, but i am not going to! not yet. i am just now able to keep current events straight in my head! lol thank god for your an's! i find them to be greatly helpful...and it is easy for people to skip over them if they don't need/want the refresher. i mean, i am pretty good with reading comprehension, but i enjoy making sure i have all the little details straight!

and i am determined now...i am going to find you some more words for tramp! i'll even try to adjust them to be more like trampire!:D


Author's Response:

Hi there sariedee!

Thanks so much for your review! You are the only one aside from my beloved beta who has gone back and read the first few chapters and given me feedback on that, so again, thanks! I'm hoping I can pull the rest of it all off with a similar level of success. Paws crossed. :)




Reviewer: MiaCullen (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 10:39 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness Part Six - Bonkers

Edward was totally thinking about marrying her! SO CUTE! He's all like, she can't marry anyone, else, because they wouldn't understand my need to watch her sleep, and blah blah blah. LOL! I love him when he's like that.


And like you said, I love that Edward following all those rules that are real, makes him seem crazy. Which he is. But still.


Author's Response:

Hi there Mia!

Thanks so much! people either really like that chapter or really don't. I did go a little overboard. I was trying to show Edward freaking out his family and having no idea that he's doing it. In my mind, he's so horrified by what he did that he is literally erasing the scene of the crime. If he makes all these improvements in his singer's life then he can't be a depraved degenerate, now can he?



Reviewer: sariedee (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 07:44 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

holy crap billy black! that is a lot of sperm deposits! lmao! when did have time to do anything else?! (1991!!!! jeez!) the whole hospital scene was just awesome...i love how edward let billy think he ate them! lol

"she was like the fast food equivalent of vampire girlfriends - over 25 million served" best. tanya. quote. ever. and "I wondered by their strange thoughts if I had stumbled upon vampire prostitutes. Or Tanya's cousins. Or both. Scratch that. Tanya never charged." ah how i have missed snarky sexually laced jokes about tanya!

as far as the supernatural sexcrazed septuplets.... "They were Jessica Stanley stupid." i love how they are affecting everyone in the cafeteria...causing fainting, stumbling, and fleeing the room! hussies galore indeed! trampires. another new word for my vocabulary.

ah, and the only thing that might have made billy's very girly tattoo funnier is if it would have been a tramp stamp!

"as the human turns" lmao...i am glad you added in all this humor! you do humor and serious stuff so well! i now have soap opera music in my head! lol

can wait to see what the newborns do next.

Author's Response:

Well hello there Saridee!

I love your boundless enthusiasm that just leaps through your reviews. Thanks so much for putting a smile across my face today. In my mind, Billy has been keeping this ahem hobby of his for years. And when he had his accident and stopped his day job - he has a very successful garbage company - he had a lot of time on his hands. And used it. I wanted to mock how obsessed he was and mock Edward at the same time because Edward is rather obsessed as well. And one could argue that Edward's obsession is every bit as creepy as Billy's. I liked the irony. Billy had been considering getting a surrogate to carry his child because he wanted more sons. Lots more. He considered his daughters useless and wanted to start from scratch so to speak. He's been waiting for Jacob to get out from underfoot to start that plan.

I'm glad you liked the Tanya humor. I had to bring her back. She's just too much fun not to use. I choked yesterday as I was driving, I passed a McDonalds and it said billions and billions served. I thought that was a little too much for Edward to think about Tanya. My thesaurs is going to be weeping at me at trying to find different versions of the word tramp. Especially in the next chapter. If you go back to chapter one, there's a line about Bella saying that she had survived the newborns. Now you have an idea why.

I'm glad the AN's are going over well. I was afraid when I first started posting them that people would complain about them. So far I'm only had good feedback on them so I'll keep doing them. I did Billy's tattoo the way I did because having a man's name emblazoned on your chest - another man's name - as his property? When you are homophobic like Billy? He's to embarrassed to even have plastic surgery to have it removed.

I'm having fun toying with the newborns at present. Thanks so much for your review and your support of this story. :)

Hugs and kisses from Starched Shirt Edward,


Reviewer: MiaCullen (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 07:37 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Five - Dream Edward

All of the referrences to things that Edward doesn't get like the "big package" and such were so hilarious! Because he has no idea what they mean, so he takes it literally. So funny :]

You always seem to have the BEST last lines! "I couldn't help it after all if my orgasms made the earth move." Oh yeah! now THAT'S what I like to hear!

Edward is hot shit.

Author's Response:

Hi there MiaCullen!

Thanks so much for the review! In my mind, Edward, although he can hear everyone's thoughts, has only learned the idioms for vampires. Everything else, he's just tuned out because it hurts too much. He wants to be human every single second and as a result keeps them at arm's length in more ways than one. That's why in my mind, he knows just enough about contemporary culture to "pass" as human, but not a bit more. His siblings are another kettle of fish. That's why to me making him oblivious and indignant was so much fun. And I'm tired of Alice shopping stories. I thought it would be hilarious to send repressed Edward shopping - the first time he'd set foot in a store of that size in decades. I'm glad you liked my one liners. I have to admit, I have a hard time thinking of them. :)


Starched Shirt Edward has no idea what hot shit means, but he's blowing a kiss at you.



Reviewer: MiaCullen (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 06:44 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Four - Deviant

I have to say that your list of things that Renee did was great, but my favorite was "raising yaks" like who the hell is clever enough to think of that? YOU!

And wow! Mike having all that crap and pthe girls being pulled out too was hilarious. I love that you torture him mercilously.

That whole conversation between mainly Jasper and Emmett but also Edward and Rosalie about translating "douche" was freaking brilliant! I was laughing so hard!

OMG! CRAZY ORGASM! Edward was going crazy. I can't believe he broke ALLLLL that shit! And the car alarms and everything! Hahahaha he stained his pants! Embarrassing!

So, question about this: "...I turned my back she changed my human. She told me when I could turn around. I neglected to admit that the broken mirror told me when she had completed her task." Did he see her naked then? I'm confused, and completely intruiged.

And dude! Did Edward and Alice's eyes really change color for a moment during their visions, or was that just them seeing each other's visions? CRAZY STUFF

WOW! Amazing chapter!!!!!!

You seriously have no idea how much I love this story!

Author's Response:

Hi there MiaCullen!

I had fun thinking of things for Renee to do for her career. I wanted variety. :) I'm glad you and I can share my Mike torture vice. It's a weakness of mine. Jacob, too.

I really liked Emmett and Jasper in that section. They were loads of fun. Rosalie jumping in and asking to be able to watch. That made my day. glad you enjoyed it.

We refer to Edward's ahem accident, as the unfortunate incident of inadvertent venom leakage. And yes, he did see her sort of naked at least from one side. But he's a doctor. twice. professional.

Edward and Alice's eyes both changed to their original color. I had lots of fun with those visions. If I remember, Edward had two visions at the same time. I don't think that Alice saw his.Thanks so much for reviewing!



Reviewer: MiaCullen (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 05:33 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Three - EdBargo

"For right now, it suited me to let her be on top. Of the world that is."

HAHAHHA! Dirty, dirty boy!

Oh snap, this Gianni boy was trying to be all trouble. And Bella's all like, "Fuck that shit." And Edward's all like, "Aw, hell nah." And Jasper and Emmett are like, "I got your back, broskeeze." And Gianni is like, "Please kill me."



Author's Response:

Hi there MiaCullen,

I'm glad you enjoyed my little episode with Gianni. I thought the family should bond over torturing the jerk. And I liked that bella stood up for Edward. :)

Thanks so much for the review!



Reviewer: nofangsallowed (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 01:51 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Seventeen - When the Fur Flies

I thought he'd make Seth the shaman--did not see Paula.  So cool!  How "feminist" of you! 

I told you that you were my hero, and then I said "or maybe heroine".  I knew you are a girly-girl.  I was actually trying unsuccessfully to be punderful as I am as addicted to this story as an addict is to a drug.  You are my favorite brand of heroine, Books!

Author's Response:

hi there nofangsallowed,

You just caught me in sleep deprived mode when i answered that - there was nothing wrong with your joke. Note to self, get sleep before answering reviews. :) I didn't pick paula because she was female. although that is kind of cool. I picked her because to me she made the greatest sacrifice of everyone in the tribe. I also like doing the unexpected.

I'm delighted that you are enjoying the story cause I never met a word i didn't like. :) And it's freaking long. So hopefully I can keep up the quality. Paws crossed. :)

Thanks so much for your kind words. You made my day.



Reviewer: pclo (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 01:23 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

You know, I don't remember High School cafeteria as being that much fun. But then, there weren't ever thirteen (I think that my addition is correct) lovely immortals sending feelings of lust throughout the lunchroom, either. I would have remembered that.
Thanks for writing!

Author's Response:

Hi there pclo,


I wish high school was that much fun, too. Sigh. Mine was much more forgettable. Thanks for reviewing!


Books :)

Reviewer: lisamackb (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 12:25 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

" I was a Doctor. Twice. Being totally unprofessional." Omg I dont think I have ever laughed so hard. My hubby thought I was going nuts. Yet again another great chapter. Keep them coming.

Author's Response:

Hi there lisbmackb!

Have your husband read and give his opinion on whether or not I'm making Edward sound enough like a "guy". I'd be interested in his opinion. :) I've tried to write Edward as a slightly prissy definitely snarky guy. And that line, "I was a doctor. Twice. Professional," has it's own growing fan club. So I had to use it and find a new twist on it in honor of those who like it. Thanks so much for the review, hon. I'm glad you enjoyed my twisted sense of humor. More is on the way. Promise.

Books :)

Reviewer: NightCullen (Signed) · Date: July 31, 2009 11:07 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

i see trouble on the horizion...


*puffs out in irritation* stupid grizzly sized vampire...

ANYWAYS... as i was about to say till SOMEONE *glares at Emmett* got in the way.

i loved it as always. i agree with Rose after school kill them the world will only benift from it.


LOl i make myself laugh... ;P

Author's Response:

Hi there NightCullen!

Thanks so much for reviewing. I always thought given Rose's affinity for cars, combined with that steel persona that in a fight she just might be scarier than Jasper. No one would expect her to risk breaking a nail. Alas, the newborns suffer from ego combined with naive stupidity that does not appear to have worn off as they aged. They are so going to get schooled. Promise. :)

Thanks for reviewing,

Books :)

Reviewer: M Logan (Signed) · Date: July 31, 2009 10:54 PM · On: Chapter 5: Indecent Exposure at the Thriftway on Aisle Three: Shameless Hussy Part Three

You were right, Tanya is fun!  Poor Mike!  He is seriously has issues!  On to the next chapter......

Author's Response:

Hi there M Logan!

I'm so glad you are enjoying Tanya. I wanted her to be entertaining in this story. I think of Mike as the typical pervy guy. He considers Bella a friend but that doesn't stop him from fantasizing about her - much to Edward's dismay.

Thanks for the review!



Tanya is waving at you...:)

Reviewer: June (Signed) · Date: July 31, 2009 10:44 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

Perfect timing!  Things have been intense.  Very intense.  But this chapter was a perfectly placed, balls out (snarf...) hilarious chapter.  We needed the cathartic, purifing release of wine (coffee, iced tea, pick your poision) through the nose to release some of the tension, that will obviously build back up quickly in the next chapter. 

I'm know you've broken the "third wall" before, but the "Not that kind of ring you degenerate" line was an instant classic. 

I would also love to see some titles from Emmett's "bad examples of pornography" file.  For research purposes, of course.

I am a little surprised that Edward would be comfortable in letting Billy Black think that he ate his testicles though.  Just a thought.

I also know that they've come so far, but seriously Edward, just kiss her already.  If not for yourself, do it for SSE.  He's pretty hard up right now.

Can't wait for the next chapter!


Author's Response:

Hey there June!

I was really nevous about posting this one as it was rather ahem graphic in more than one way. I'm delighted that it's being received so well. I should let my sense of humor stray more often, clearly. And my apologies to your monitor. :) I should warn you there will be laughter in the next chapter. Just so you know you have been warned. Nothing carbonated ok? I'm glad there's at least one thing that will be a classic from this story, thanks for the awesome compliment. I will definitely have to add some titles of Emmett's bad porn. stop by the thread and I'll brainstorm a few. The lovely posters on the thread are actually the ones responsible for Starched Shirt Edward discussing blow jobs. They dared me, you see. :) My inner Tanya had to come out and play.

And yeah, I really do see your point about Billy Black - truth be told Edward has been planning on killing him for so long that he doesn't really care what impression he leaves on him so long as he can watch him squirm. And it was a play on that earlier line where Edward had said "I'd eat my own testicles before...." And I was trying to extend the joke from what he did to Jacob with that whole chomping down on deer and being gory - with a more understated but personal touch. It might not work for everyone. :)

What you might notice about this chapter is Edward's nonverbal behavior. He's much more touchy in public of Bella. He actually has his head on her shoulder there at the end virtually snuggling - not that he's aware of it since he's kind of mentally busy at the moment defending the family and trying to keep his head from exploding. That's a big deal. The touching part, not the head exploding part. And I know, it's hard writing a love story about two intensely shy people. I literally have to edit out half of their dialogue to keep it genuine. Which sucks. But still. :) I've already got most of the next chapter written. I have to tweak with some scenes.

As ever, thanks so much for your review - you spoil me so!



P.S. You'll have to let me know how I do on the snort scale of humor for the next chapter. :)

Reviewer: jenejes (Signed) · Date: July 31, 2009 10:35 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Five - Dream Edward

Okay, so it sounds like these visions are turning the color of thier eyes? I'm confused on that point. I can't even put into words how awesome the last line of this chapter moving orgasms...classic. Too bad Emmett won't hear about it..quakeward or orgamsoward roll off the tongue so wonderfully...

Author's Response:

Hi there Jenejes!

Thanks so much for reviewing! You are not confused. The visions ARE changing the color of their eyes back to the color they were when they were mortal. QuakeWard OMG! That's hilarious. It never even occurred to me. Emmett would die of envy if he knew. And don't even get me started on Jasper. I'm going to be snorting the rest of the day because of that line. :) Thanks so much!


Books :)

Reviewer: M Logan (Signed) · Date: July 31, 2009 10:29 PM · On: Chapter 5: Indecent Exposure at the Thriftway on Aisle Three: Shameless Hussy Part Two

OMG!  I laughed so much at Edward's expense in this chapter.  Charlie is so funny with all his thoughts.  Poor Edward, what perfect timing for Rose's order to arrive!  I can't wait to read what Tanya is planning to do at the Triftway!

Author's Response:

Hi there M Logan!

I have to admit I get misty-eyed over Tanya. No one shows her up. No one. And she kinda sorta feels bad for causing such a ruckus because Edward's dull human girl is growing on her. Shh don't tell anyone. So she will most definitely have all kinds of fun. The only way to beat a scandal is to make a bigger one.

Thanks so much for the review!



Reviewer: Merrisol (Signed) · Date: July 31, 2009 10:10 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

Okay. First, let me say I have a migraine and an eye infection BUT as soon as I realized this chapter was up I had to read it ... squinting ... with just one eye. That being said, here is my review.

Oh, Lord have mercy on us all. You were right; it is wrong on SO many levels. But it is funny as hell, too. I laughed until I almost cried (which probably would have been a relief) in some parts. A coven of vampire whore mongers ... LOL. Poor Edward, if that boy could think up a complete sentence on his own when he's around Bella, I am thoroughly convinced he would internally implode and fire off an orgasm that would destroy towns miles away. (I find that statement to be very funny. Just came up with it ... must be the drugs. You may use it in later chapters if you like ... hehe).

Loved, loved, loved the revenge part. Everyone played their parts so well. I don't even feel sorry for the poor bastard that lost his balls. Classic. The picture of this that is now forever burned into my mind is priceless. And Rosalie, while being her usual bitchy self, is just the right amount of comic relief.

I'm going to read this again when my headache subsides but I am satisfied at the moment that I have grasp the important parts.

I would love to peer into your mind for just a couple of minutes. I thought I had a weird mind. You, my dear, put me to shame! That is a good thing!!! Looking forward to the vampire hooker chronicles. Oh, and the reference to Anna Nicole Smith was priceless!!!!!  Muuaahhh!!!!!

Author's Response:

Hi there Merrisol!

Oh hon, I am so sorry about the eye infection. I have vivid memories of pink eye - which i hope you don't have. Then my brother got it. I followed him around the house like the Father on My Big Fat Greek Wedding - only instead of being obsessed with windex I was obsessed with spraying everything he touched with bleach. Poor guy. I was a little worried posting this chapter and am blown away (pun intended) at the response. Clearly I should let my sick side come out and play more often. Expect it front and center in the next chapter.

And you're right poor Edward. But poor Bella, too. When you re-read the chapter, notice all the nonverbal behavior - all the touching he's doing of her. He's all but snuggling with her in public there towards the end, completely oblivious to how it looks to everyone else.

I thought about Paula and all she's endured putting up with Billy. Jacob's Mom was a good friend of hers, and suspecting that he murdered her, and everyone else and not being able to do a thing about it, and being forced to give up her son to protect him - she's got years of pent up wrath. John Quill, too. So I firmly believed in doing the one thing that would hurt him the most. And I like letting Rosalie come out and play.

I must confess, that my beta when I told her that the newborns were going to be bisexual septuplets said to me that she'd like to spend an hour in my brain just to see what it was like - it's a sick, sick place. But it works for me. And the Anna Nicole joke I came up with when I was re-reading HOD2 with Jasper all scandalized about Bella's age. I don't think that would fade suddenly. I also wanted to emphasize in a strange sort of way how odd it must be to be dating someone who is that young. It's got to be so hard for Edward to put his brain in a place where he's trying to learn the norms of her generation - he's been tuning them out - and relate it to his own values and experience without tossing his hands up in the air.

The hoydens will return next chapter. Get out your lysol. :) You never know where they've been.

Starched Shirt Edward is blowing kisses at you!

Books :)

Reviewer: Rgwmnks (Signed) · Date: July 31, 2009 10:03 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

Girl You are KILLING ME HERE! I almost pissed myself AT WORK laughing so hard! Note to self...Maybe reading fanfic @ work is not good for the health of my career...Ahem. The tesicle eating thing, Oh jeez I even snorted on that one while laughing. I am anxiously awaiting the continuation of this story. EXCELLENT STORY!

Author's Response:

Hi there Rgwmnks,

Dear underpands of Rgwmnks - please accept our apology for causing you distress. Plesae be sure to use the restroom prior to reading the next chapter - and we should also warn you that the drinking of carbonated beverages would also not be recommended unless you plan on cleaning out your nasal passages with acid. :) Research shows that you work harder when you are in a good mood. I say they should pay you to read fanfiction for at least 15 minutes a day. Tell them I said so. :)

Thanks so much for your review. You made my day. I'm sitting here misty-eyed. Swear.



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