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Reviews For Cullenary Coupling
Reviewer: nofangsallowed (Signed) · Date: August 05, 2009 11:53 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

Books--you have such a sense of humor!  Hilarious Harem of Hussie Hillbillies from Hell!  I laughed so hard!  But I hope they don't bite anyone.  I don't think the minds of the Forks teens are strong enough to be changed (except for Bella), but I'd hate to lose any of them for entertainment purposes.

Love Edward's new found confidence!  That last line is a classic!

Author's Response:

Hi there nofangsallowed!

Thanks so much! I am delighted that my twisted, sick sense of humor is being appreciated. Clearly, I should unleash it more often. :) I had to much fun dreaming up the idea of the CC Newborns. My beta when I ran the idea by her commented that my mind was a sick and twisted place. I took that as high praise. I saw the newborns as this group that had the gift to be like vampire cockroaches - to survive against all odds through dumb luck. They have no intention of biting anyone unless it's to drink of course. And they're hungry. Jasper like hungry. Hence the Cullens are bound and determined that they won't be biting anyone. Legally speaking, if the Trampires bite any human, the Cullens can sit back and unleash the pack on them. And if you remember from the first seven chapters Lauren is going to be turned way down the road. I'm having so much fun thinking of her as a vampire. *sigh*

Next chapter won't be up for at least a week. But I plan on having loads of fun with it.



Reviewer: nofangsallowed (Signed) · Date: August 05, 2009 06:47 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Four - What Could Possibly Go Wrong With a Miscreant Immortal Having an Un-chaperoned First Date?

Stunning cliffie!  I can't wait to read what happens next!

Wow--your plot is so complex.  I love that you keep us going by revealing things a little at a time.  I like doing that too in my stories.  Anyway, this is perfect.  I might have to stay up and read the next chapter tonight.

One question.  Should Edward have put her to sleep, considering she's good with a blade?  Did he have the vampire blade on him?  Just curious.

Author's Response:

Hi there nofangsallowed!

Thanks so much for the review. I can't really do "real" cliffies in this section because the first seven chapters have established them as being alive/undead/whatever :) So I call those "informational cliffies" - because you know they're ok, you just don't know how. So I don't feel so guilty posting a chapter. At least that's what I repeat to myself. :)

Thanks for the compliment on the plot. :) I've got a running debate going with some friends who think it's too complex - they might be right but I'm still going for it anyway and will try to do the best I can putting in little reminders here and there in the chapters - that's why I started doing the story summaries.

You raise a very good point. What "should" Edward have done is not necessarily what he actually does in fact do. It would have been the prudent thing to keep her awake and arm her. Edward put her to sleep because despite that whole realizing that she has more talents and acknowledging her as an individual increasingly with time - fundamentally - he's a sexist pig, and he most definitely does not want her aware of his vampire nature and will pull out all the stops to ensure she stays that way. Also, he's arrogant. He thinks that his vampire nature is so strong and superior to her weak human one, that she'd only get in the way (he might be right on that front), so he feels justified in putting her out like a light. In my mind it's also freaking patronizing. But that's just me.

And Bella said that Liam used to teach her fencing - she never said she was extremely talented at it - and I'm not writing her as Bella Buffy. This will come out in the next chapter a bit - but in my mind Liam was teaching her fencing for two reasons. First, and fundamentally, it represented the closest thing to physical therapy he could do for her. Remember her parents refused to allow anyone to tell her that she had a disability. And Genevieve and Liam and Jericho, much to Bella's distress kept their word. Second, you can see by all the weapons he had around the place and the security system that Liam was either very paranoid, very concerned about the safety and welfare of his family - or both. In Liam's mind if she knew how to handle a knife she could buy herself a bit more time until help arrived, but he knew she'd probably be outmatched in a fight with an average sized man - so he wanted her to be able to at least have a chance at holding her own. Morbid, but that's his thinking.

If I remember correctly, he left the blade upstairs. He didn't sense anyone down there, so he didn't take it with him. If he HAD sensed anyone down there, he would have invented some sort of excuse not to go.



Reviewer: lea2009 (Signed) · Date: August 05, 2009 10:19 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

I have been reading your story for probably a week now.  I am so hooked!  How on earth do you come up with so many different plots for one story?  You are an excellent writer! 

I love your Edward, very complex.  And my absolute favorite thing is  "I was a doctor.  Twice.  Professional."   I swear every time I read that I start cracking up!!  I think its hilarious.  Oh and also how he refers to Bella as his little bottle cap, I think that is so cute!

Anyway,  I'm loving it thus far, please continue soon and i cant wait for some Edward/Bella time!

Author's Response:

Hi there lea2009!

Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad I haven't sent you screaming for the hills with my twisted take on Edward. :) I was afraid when I first started posting the HOD section that my readers were going to murder me, declare me insane, or both. I'm absolutely delighted that folks are enjoying what I've been doing and I really do appreciate the feedback. It helps me as a writer know if the message I inteded to convey is actually getting across to the readers. I have so much fun with that Doctor. Twice. Professional line. I have to make sure not to overdo it, but if I can squeeze it in a time or three - I'll do that in a red hot second. I had a hard time with the endearments. I had him calling her "my human" at the beginning of the story to show a dichotomy. On one hand, you could argue he's a sociopath, because he's depersonalizing her - calling her a human rather than by name in the way he thinks about her. I also used it to show that Edward longs to be human, yet looks down on them at the same time - so he's horrified that he's attracted to one. But I wanted that wistful part of him - the part that never felt he had anything to call his own - the part that didn't understand what love felt like any longer - or that he was indeed loved - to see calling her "my human" as a sign of affection - that he for once had something special on this earth just for him. The fact that it was one-sided.....doesn't really occur to him. And my human and my singer got old, so i had to come up with something new to show the progression of the relationship - that he's thinking of her more as a person. To me, my little bottle cap is a bit of progress - but still shows that he values her for her scent. He told Emmett that  lugging around a bottle cap with her scent was far more convenient and practical than lugging a 110 girl around. When we get to my dear little one and my little algae lover, you're seeing more affection (at least to me). That's my thinking on that part. I'm going to be pulling my hair out trying to come up with a new one. :)

I must confess as for the plot line - i got a little over -ambitious. I started writing and came up with new ideas and my friends who write were telling me - save that for another story. I decided in my hubris that i could at least try to make it work, so I've created a spiderweb of plots and sub plots. Paws crossed that I can keep them straight and do them justice. I have an outline that makes my computer weep when I click on it.

I am working on the next chapter but it won't be up for at least 7 days. I want to do some revising on it. I hope you find it worth the wait.

Thank you so much for giving me your feedback. You made my day. :) Seriously.

Starched Shirt Edward is blowing kisses at you. :)


Reviewer: SueBob (Signed) · Date: August 04, 2009 09:23 AM · On: Chapter 7: The Webers - Flowers and Pasties for Jesus

"I dance for Jesus."
"I love Jesus. He's the man."
OMG, appropriately enough, I am in hysterics!

Author's Response:

Hi there SueBob!

Thanks so much for reviewing! I had so much fun putting Emmett in the same room with a man of the cloth. Tanya, too. And poor Ben Cheney. I had to go there too. Satan made me do it.

I hope to be able to keep you in hysterics in the future. The HOD starts off a little gloomy but I swear on CC Edward's virginal soul, I have several funny things in there as well.




Reviewer: nofangsallowed (Signed) · Date: August 03, 2009 09:41 PM · On: Chapter Eight: Part Twenty-One - Mammoth Sized Mongrels Stench-Sploding in the Night

Tremendous teasing tart!  (Love ya', Books!)

Okay--she's venom coated?  Wow!  Did not see that AT ALL!  So thrilled with all the twist, turns, and complexity--and it still makes sense--perfect sense, I might add.

Author's Response:

Hi there nofangsallowed!

Amazing Astounding Author! Thanks so much for the feedback. I'm glad that I'm able to put twists and turns in there that people don't see coming. And I'm really, really glad that it's still making sense. I went back in about two weeks ago at the suggestion of another reviewer and put in the summaries before and after to help jog people's memories without giving away the plot.

Sending waves of affection right back at'cha

Starched Shirt Edward is winking at you.


Reviewer: M Logan (Signed) · Date: August 03, 2009 07:50 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Seven - My Queen

So, Edward called Bella his 'girlfriend' in front of Jacob in this chapter and Bella didn't correct him or flinch.  So, does Bella see Edward (or Dream Edward) as her boyfriend?

The conversations Edward has with Starch-shirt Edward are hilarious!  I love when Edward teases him and sends him praying.  I'm a Catholic and I thought the 'Hallelujah' line and the abstaining from meat on Fridays was funny! 

I think Edward is definitely living in his own little world and begining to worry me! 

Author's Response:

Hi there MLogan,

Thanks so much for reviewing. Edward in my mind is one sick man. But he's sick not because he has multiple personality disorder. Starched Shirt Edward is a parody of the superego, and the predator is a parody of the id. Those are parts of your self. So he needs them both to think. Now if he blacked out and forgot time and while he was out of it, Starched Shirt Edward took over and started doing things - then we'd have a multiple personality disorder case.

What I'm doing with Edward is showing someone who was traumatized profoundly by being turned. But even more so because he felt that he could not share this with Carlisle. So he took all that self-hatred at being a vampire and turned in on himself. And after he "woke up" from his rebellious years his scarring became even worse. He never dealt with what he did, and he lied to his family about it, and has created this world - a mental prison so to speak - where he believes that instead of acting like a century old vampire, that he has to act like a 17 shy boy in order for the Cullens to "keep" him. He does not remember what loving felt like so he does not understand that the Cullens love him and won't leave him.

He most definitely called Bella his girlfriend in front of Jacob primarily to piss Jacob off. Now imagine yourself in Bella's place. This hot guy has just declared in front of God and country that he's your boyfriend and not ten minutes later tells you he said it all for show. She's a little sick and really confused, but she's too sick to really care, to be honest.

Bella right now is in a world of hurt. She's just had her entire life reframed by finding out that she was seriously harmed in an accident and left disabled and that her parents not only did not get her therapy for it, but refused to even tell her she had it. She's not really in a place where she's able to give Edward much thought or consideration. She's sick, she's tired, and she's really, really angry.

I wrote Edward as extremely religious to be able to have a particular angle on that whole soul dealio. And I picked Catholicism because I am one and have taken way more theology than is probably normal. :) But to me, if someone is reading and he/she is of another religion, they can substitute that one for the one I wrote him as. To me it was not so much important what religion he was so much as that he WAS religious at the time of his turning. Hope that made sense. I picked Catholicism because I didn't feel comfortable making jokes about other religions - I felt I didn't know them well enough to joke like a native so to speak and didn't want to offend anyone. I can argue with any Catholic about what I'm doing and feel comfortable. And I loved putting in the little fights between them about observance. To me it's not so much the little details as the messages that it sends. Edward is refusing to believe in a higher power because he feels he has no soul. SSE is insisting that he's wrong. And he's not quite practical in the way he approaches religion. I've written SSE as frozen theologically in time as well. That little thing called Vatican II? He's not quite up on that.

Hope that babbling made sense, and thanks so much for reviewing. Pax te cum.



Reviewer: M Logan (Signed) · Date: August 03, 2009 04:53 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Four - Deviant

Wow!  So, Bella has a 'gift'?  I'm confused, she can help the vampires remember their past and in doing so, make them seem 'human'?  The memories cause their eyes to return to normal?

Love the chapter!  I love how Predator Edward and Starch-shirt Edward fight, like an angel and devil on his shoulders.  I love this line: 'Starched Shirt Edward was babbling so loudly about temptation and mortal sin I couldn't make out what he said as he fainted from shock dropping his Bible and rosary as he swooned'  Ha! Ha!  Love it! 

I love that he could be almost truthful with Bella while she was in this state, calling her his 'dear human' and 'Delirious Singer'.

Where can I get a Dream Edward? Please tell him that he can visit me anytime! 

Author's Response:

Hi there M Logan,

It appears that Bella has some sort of ability to induce visions in vampires. The visions are what change their eyes. Temporarily. I did it that way because I liked the symbolism of Edward feeling "human" and watching his eyes change in the mirror from the green he had forgotten to the brown that he loathed. Depressing. I know. :)

I did like that Edward was truthful with her - then. He comments on more than one occasion that they get along just fine when she's asleep. I love me some Dream Edward as well. He's the name Bella gives Edward when she's sleeptalking. She thinks she's dreaming him. Edward thinks she'll never remember since she has such a high fever which is why he was as forthright as he was in this chapter. Glad you enjoyed it. :)

Thanks for the feedback!



Reviewer: pomme_de_terre (Signed) · Date: August 03, 2009 04:16 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

LOL!  This was a wonderful chapter.  Billy completely deserved being separated with his lugnuts and having all bazillion of his potential spawn destroyed.  The love triangle between Edward, Bella and the shirt is priceless, although I'm saddened that she didn't drool upon it to return the favour.  Also, the Trampires are WIN!  I cannot WAIT to see the havoc about to be unleashed!

BTW, Mary Sue better leave Dream Edward alone lest I unleash my own powers on her!

Again, many thanks for sharing!

Author's Response:

Hi there pomme_de_terre!

Thanks so much for the feedback! I really did have fun dreaming up vengeance and butterflies. You do make an excellent point about the drool on the shirt. Had she drooled on it, I suspect that Edward wouldn't have been jealous. I suspect he would have convinced himself that she was being considerate, like Pavlov's dog salivating at the very scent. He'd do that Mr. Arrogant.

I'm glad you liked the Trampires. I liked the idea of a group running around causing chaos and somehow not bringing the wrath of the Volturi upon them. In my mind their gift is that they are the vampire equivalent of cockroaches. They always survive no matter what happens, by dumb luck.

I think you'll like what I do with the Trampires. I really do. Tanya is going to have soooo much fun. Just sayin'



Reviewer: SueBob (Signed) · Date: August 03, 2009 03:58 PM · On: Chapter 5: Indecent Exposure at the Thriftway on Aisle Three: Shameless Hussy Part One

This is too funny for me to express appropriately. Thank you so much for giving me a lift when I so needed it!

Author's Response:

Hi there SueBob!

I'm slapping myself officially for not responding to your review earlier. Sleep deprivation is a bad thing. :) Thanks so much for the review and the feedback. I'm delighted that I could bring joy to your day. And I have many more laughs packed into this story. Swear. I hope to keep you laughing. :)



Reviewer: fanficreader83 (Signed) · Date: August 03, 2009 04:51 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

That was the perfect way to deal with billy (who I might add just gets creepier as you continue ;)...  I can't even imagine what was going through bella's head when she thought she had 'attacked' edward, I was glad he could clear things up though so she didn't feel too uncomfortable and for the poor girl, if she really had done that to him I would want her to be able to remember it!  I definitely did not see this type of behavior from the visitors coming  ;)  can't wait to see where this goes!!! 

Author's Response:

Hi there Fanficreader83!

Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad you liked my twisted way of dealing with Billy. I liked the idea of his sister having the last word, so to speak. But I also liked the idea of John Quill getting to have a vote. In my mind, Bella would be absolutely freaked when she wakes up and finds herself clutching Edward's shirt. She was mortified when his sisters described it earlier (her behavior) and had made the comment that Edward probably thought she was some kind of psycho stalker. So in her mind, she's taken advantage of him. Again. He keeps her from having nightmares - at least she thinks he does. So she's panicked that he won't want to be around her because she stripped him of his shirt. And she's not quite sure if he "gave" it to her at her bequest or if she took it off of him herself. Hence. Bella is a wee bit upset. Flustered. Mortified. Fun to write.

I'd definitely want to remember that if I were in her place. Glad I managed to surprise you with the newborns. They were so much fun.



Reviewer: jenejes (Signed) · Date: August 02, 2009 11:49 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

Wow. you know this is madness, right? Books, I've got to say that anyone who ever thought of making you angry really, really needs to read about that bastard Billy Black. I never ever want to do anything even remotely close to making you angry, because quite frankly, after reading that, I'm kind of scared of you. However, I quickly came to my senses and remembered that I love you because is the coolest, craziest and most wonderfuly absurd story I've ever read. Liam..I notice that you don't claim his as your that because he is somehow going to be the Irish coven Liam from the books? That has me a little confused, that and I'm not sure a mere mortal could have actually accomplished all the wackiness that describes him...

Oh, and Edward is going to go completely crazy with all these personalities, is he? Just wanted to make sure.


Author's Response:

Hi there Jenejes!

Yep. I'm certifiably nuts. Pun intended. I had a lot of fun writing that scene. I liked the idea of the irony of Billy trying to force Jacob to phase and all along his sister is a wolf. And he's been treating her like garbage for years, and the second he started getting shifty-eyed towards Charlie, she decides to take care of business. And thanks for the kind words on the story. When I started writing it, my goal was to bend over backwards to make it as different as I could from other stories out there. I'm bowled over that folks are enjoying it. CC Liam is not a character from the Twilight saga books. I didn't really get around to looking up all the names of the vampires that made flitting appearances in breaking dawn because (with all due respect to those who liked the book) I'd gouge my eyes out before I read it again. So thanks for giving me a heads up on that, I'll put a note in the next chapter. I don't want to, by using a name that was in the series, have people thinking I'm going somewhere I'm not. You spoil me so!

Liam is 100% mortal. Certifiably nuts by many people's standards, but 100% mortal, that also goes for Genevieve and Jericho.

When I came up with the idea of Starched Shirt Edward - the idea kind of evolved. At first I just wanted him to represent the Edward that existed prior to the change - the sweet young man who was bewildered by what was going on around him but believed in the goodness of the world around him. I changed it to be a parody of the superego. And Jugurtha is a parody of the id. They are not separate personalities - all are part of Edward's brain. I just gave them names. You have a SSE in your brain, a Jugurtha, too, according to Freud. So Edward is not suffering from multiple personality disorder. If he was, then SSE or Jugurtha could take over his body and Main Edward would literally have periods of time he couldn't remember because one of the other "personalities" would be in control. Hope that made sense. If it doesn't, please feel free to PM me.

Edward will go all kinds of bonkers in this story. Soon.

As ever, thanks for the amazing review and your support of this story,



Reviewer: nofangsallowed (Signed) · Date: August 02, 2009 02:12 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Nineteen - Be Still My Beating Heart

Awesome chapter!  So much in it.  The stuff with Charlie had me laughing so hard!  He so deserved it, and I'm glad your Cullens had so much fun with it.

Skeevy gives me the skeevies and Violet Gorgon makes Genievive look tame.  Can't wait to read more.

Author's Response:

hi there nofangsallowed!

Thanks so much for the awesome review! I have to admit, I have a "that's soooo wrong meter," and if I get an idea that fits it, I have to find a way to write it. I liked the sterotypical situation of the boyfriend lurking in the girlfriend's room hiding from the father and thought hmmm let's get Edward naked and Charlie sort of naked and see what happens. So I had a lot of fun with that scene. I also liked showing Charlie being either really perceptive or ...not. And it was important to me to give Carlisle and Esme more of a role in this story than they had in Twilight and the other books.

Skeevy and Violet Gorgon are most defiitely creepy. Glad that part worked. :)

Thanks for the feedback!



Reviewer: Mizra (Signed) · Date: August 02, 2009 01:16 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

*spits* BILLY LOST HIS TESTICLES?! OMG, that is definitely better than canon. You were not kidding about the "hang on for the ride" part. lol, I needed that so badly today.... lolroflxd

*bows to the queen of funny things that happen in twilight non-canon*

Author's Response:

Hey Mizra,

If you want to be technical about it, canon never dictated he had them (or did not). Therefore, i felt free to do what I wanted with them. And his ahem research. Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad I could make you laugh. :)



Reviewer: MiaCullen (Signed) · Date: August 02, 2009 01:49 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Seven - My Queen

"So I was never giving my singer another piece. This was a true sacrifice on my part. I couldn't have her cheating on me with a common Hershey's bar."  that was too cute :] He's a controlling little thing though, isn't he? But it's out of love! :D

Ahahaha he was going to try to get her to wear a helmet all the time! And put freaking bedrails on the side ofher bed! TOO FUNNY! He was making it sound all rational in his head, and not completely crazy.His brain works in odd ways.

I don't know why, but this line was too good! "Rosalie stuttered, 'Wait - Edward. Edward? Went into a mall?'" it was just so funny! i could picture it so well!

That whole thing with Jacob at the hospital was brilliant! It was so funny how Edward would kiss her head and Jake would get all pissy and she's like, "I don't know you! WTF?!" And the best part was the the doctors were betting on it! OH! and Edward kept saying "human" and I don't think he really noticed. He'd be like, "do you like this human?" or "coat for humans". She just didn't realize that there was a difference :P

HE CALLED HER HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!! even if it was just to piss off Jacob and because all the hospital staff thought they were dating.

AND THEY ALL CLAPPED WHEN HE LEFT WITH BELLA AND JACOB DIDN'T! omg that was so funny! I could not stop laughing!

"Drat. He would have made a divine hood ornament. I would have been the envy of my entire family." :D I can see this in my head so clearly. Jacob's head on the hood of the car with a bone in his mouth and a smug Edward driving really fast down the freeway, his arm around Bella in the passneger seat :]

Author's Response:

Hi there Mia!

I must admit I had a lot of fun with that chapter. And if you like Jacob torture. The next two should have you over the moon.

I liked the idea of Edward being so possessive of her that he was jealous of chocolate. He wanted to make sure that HE was the only one triggering the pleasure centers of her brain. The "do you like this human," to me was a sign that a) he looks down on Jacob and b) he's not used to mingling with humans on a conversational level. And I particularly liked him declaring her his girlfriend in order to enrage Jacob but also because it allows him to save face. He does it to protect her to test the waters. The section with his family was my attempt to indirectly characterize Edward so the readers could see the significance of all he's doing from his family's point of view. And I liked Rosalie, who has the psychiatric training freaking out about Edward's behavior in regards to shopping. She's beginning to clue in to the fact that he really must have strong feelings for Bella.

Thanks so much for the review. And I'm delighted you enjoy my sick twisted humor. More of it is up ahead.



Reviewer: jenejes (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 11:01 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Nineteen - Be Still My Beating Heart

P.P.S. Jasper, an immortal force containing your brother-in-law that you accidentally turned murdered the entire Hale family on July 19th, 1863 and burned their bodies and the house to ashes. Sorry.'”


Shouldn't this line read Whitlock, not Hale?

Love your story so rock Books!

Author's Response:

Hi there jenejes!

Thanks so much for calling that to my attention. I thought I had fixed that, and probably did it in one version and got distracted and forgot the other. Thanks for catching it. Gah!


This is what happens when you are old and sleep deprived. :) You spoil me so!



Reviewer: M Logan (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 08:44 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness Part One - Pride and Tribulation

You did such a great job at capturing Edward's past!  This really helps to understand why he hates himself so much. I feel so sad for him. ;(  I know it will get better....  (Sniff)

Author's Response:

Hi there M Logan!

I'm glad you liked that chapter - it was hard to write. I didn't want to spew the exact events described in the TS back at you so I changed some key elements and that sets up the rest of the story. What you should walk away from that chapter knowing is that Edward has never told anyone that he hates being a vamipre. He's never had help dealing with it, therefore, because Carlisle had no idea the depth of his suffering. Edward has also never let his family know what really happened in Chicago, and he was secretly relieved to have other siblings join because it meant less attention would be paid to him. BUT it also meant the power dynamic had changed and that more people could vote him out of the family. Edward has forgotten what "love" feels like. He does not understand that Carlisle and Esme love him. So he thinks that they could kick him out without a second thought if he's not careful.

He'll get real funny next chapter. Promise. It can't be all gloom. :)



Reviewer: elphabacy35 (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 06:13 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

Hey Books. This chapter came just in time for my birthday! Well, when it came yesterday, but I had to go out and celebrate this birthday so I just got to read it now.

I love Edward being jealous of his shirt. That is so typical Edward, and very endearing.

Billy with(out) his testicles and all the fainting, that was some excellent writing my friend.

I love the giftcard and the note Charlie sent. You may recall that I had a little issue with how Charlie was berated for not knowing about clothes, but I love how that was handled.

Tell SSE the flowers are beautiful , as usual!


Author's Response:

Hi there elpahbacy35!

Thanks so much for your review. SSE wants to know if you will take him to mass tomorrow. He's blinking at you piteously. He feels after this last chapter the need to not only go to mass, but perhaps a trip to the confessional. Or two. Or three.

I had to have Edward jealous of someone. He's really jealous of Dream Edward - which to me is like channeling Cyrano - and I find highly entertaining. He thinks that Bella only cares about Dream Edward, not the Real Edward - and to a certain extent he does have a point. He's never shown her (or anyone else) the Real Edward.

I'm delighted you enjoyed Lady Karma paying Billy a visit. I liked having Paula go all wolfie on him. and I liked the quite threat of John Quill. That scene had so much energy and action in it, I just wanted it to end on a contemplative note - reminding the readers that Billy might have killed those people - but he has plenty of secondary victims walking around.

I think it's kind of normal for many fathers to not know the sizes of their children's clothes if they never buy them. I love my brothers dearly but I only bought them ties when we were growing up. I had no clue what their sizes were. My Dad always bought shoes with me, but my Mom always bought my clothes. So I can totally see Charlie not giving it a second thought and not thinking that he had an issue with it because with Bella living with her Mom and visiting in the summers his Mom took care of that. I don't see anything malicious in Charlie's behavior. But I wanted to write something that was true to the sad fact that 50% of divorced men when their children leave the state lose touch with them. Charlie may have seen his daughter - but he lost touch with her when Renee took her and left. And Charlie, in my mind has been grieving not only the death of his marriage, but also the death of his parents and uncle. And he's never dealt with them all so he has his head in the sand. So he got a wake up call. In my mind he's going to pay more attention to his daughter, but it's not going to change his essential stick his head in the sand approach to conflict.

SSE is sending you more flowers for your birthday.



Reviewer: sariedee (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 06:05 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

lol...i guess i can admit the i get a little alice-y in my enthusiasm. i am typically a fairly wired person...and then i love talking about fic. mostly bc i only know one person who reads it, and my husband just makes fun of me lol

and i am so ridiculous that i am reviewing a second time to tell you these things...first, now i have to run off and reread chapter 1...and now i feel like i need to go back and review it, but i am guessing review 2.0 will do just fine. let me tell you...barely into chapter one and i am missing sse...i mean there is sex and and preaching of purity! lmao and i forgot how hilarious the "sex talk" was! ah crap i wasn't even reading chapter 1 yet...jeez. lemme try this again lol ha...okay there it was. clever on your part...we'd have never guessed newborns meant the "sextuplets" lol it is amazing how different chapter 1 is compared to now. now i want to reread, but i am not going to! not yet. i am just now able to keep current events straight in my head! lol thank god for your an's! i find them to be greatly helpful...and it is easy for people to skip over them if they don't need/want the refresher. i mean, i am pretty good with reading comprehension, but i enjoy making sure i have all the little details straight!

and i am determined now...i am going to find you some more words for tramp! i'll even try to adjust them to be more like trampire!:D


Author's Response:

Hi there sariedee!

Thanks so much for your review! You are the only one aside from my beloved beta who has gone back and read the first few chapters and given me feedback on that, so again, thanks! I'm hoping I can pull the rest of it all off with a similar level of success. Paws crossed. :)




Reviewer: MiaCullen (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 05:39 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness Part Six - Bonkers

Edward was totally thinking about marrying her! SO CUTE! He's all like, she can't marry anyone, else, because they wouldn't understand my need to watch her sleep, and blah blah blah. LOL! I love him when he's like that.


And like you said, I love that Edward following all those rules that are real, makes him seem crazy. Which he is. But still.


Author's Response:

Hi there Mia!

Thanks so much! people either really like that chapter or really don't. I did go a little overboard. I was trying to show Edward freaking out his family and having no idea that he's doing it. In my mind, he's so horrified by what he did that he is literally erasing the scene of the crime. If he makes all these improvements in his singer's life then he can't be a depraved degenerate, now can he?



Reviewer: sariedee (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 02:44 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

holy crap billy black! that is a lot of sperm deposits! lmao! when did have time to do anything else?! (1991!!!! jeez!) the whole hospital scene was just awesome...i love how edward let billy think he ate them! lol

"she was like the fast food equivalent of vampire girlfriends - over 25 million served" best. tanya. quote. ever. and "I wondered by their strange thoughts if I had stumbled upon vampire prostitutes. Or Tanya's cousins. Or both. Scratch that. Tanya never charged." ah how i have missed snarky sexually laced jokes about tanya!

as far as the supernatural sexcrazed septuplets.... "They were Jessica Stanley stupid." i love how they are affecting everyone in the cafeteria...causing fainting, stumbling, and fleeing the room! hussies galore indeed! trampires. another new word for my vocabulary.

ah, and the only thing that might have made billy's very girly tattoo funnier is if it would have been a tramp stamp!

"as the human turns" lmao...i am glad you added in all this humor! you do humor and serious stuff so well! i now have soap opera music in my head! lol

can wait to see what the newborns do next.

Author's Response:

Well hello there Saridee!

I love your boundless enthusiasm that just leaps through your reviews. Thanks so much for putting a smile across my face today. In my mind, Billy has been keeping this ahem hobby of his for years. And when he had his accident and stopped his day job - he has a very successful garbage company - he had a lot of time on his hands. And used it. I wanted to mock how obsessed he was and mock Edward at the same time because Edward is rather obsessed as well. And one could argue that Edward's obsession is every bit as creepy as Billy's. I liked the irony. Billy had been considering getting a surrogate to carry his child because he wanted more sons. Lots more. He considered his daughters useless and wanted to start from scratch so to speak. He's been waiting for Jacob to get out from underfoot to start that plan.

I'm glad you liked the Tanya humor. I had to bring her back. She's just too much fun not to use. I choked yesterday as I was driving, I passed a McDonalds and it said billions and billions served. I thought that was a little too much for Edward to think about Tanya. My thesaurs is going to be weeping at me at trying to find different versions of the word tramp. Especially in the next chapter. If you go back to chapter one, there's a line about Bella saying that she had survived the newborns. Now you have an idea why.

I'm glad the AN's are going over well. I was afraid when I first started posting them that people would complain about them. So far I'm only had good feedback on them so I'll keep doing them. I did Billy's tattoo the way I did because having a man's name emblazoned on your chest - another man's name - as his property? When you are homophobic like Billy? He's to embarrassed to even have plastic surgery to have it removed.

I'm having fun toying with the newborns at present. Thanks so much for your review and your support of this story. :)

Hugs and kisses from Starched Shirt Edward,


Reviewer: MiaCullen (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 02:37 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Five - Dream Edward

All of the referrences to things that Edward doesn't get like the "big package" and such were so hilarious! Because he has no idea what they mean, so he takes it literally. So funny :]

You always seem to have the BEST last lines! "I couldn't help it after all if my orgasms made the earth move." Oh yeah! now THAT'S what I like to hear!

Edward is hot shit.

Author's Response:

Hi there MiaCullen!

Thanks so much for the review! In my mind, Edward, although he can hear everyone's thoughts, has only learned the idioms for vampires. Everything else, he's just tuned out because it hurts too much. He wants to be human every single second and as a result keeps them at arm's length in more ways than one. That's why in my mind, he knows just enough about contemporary culture to "pass" as human, but not a bit more. His siblings are another kettle of fish. That's why to me making him oblivious and indignant was so much fun. And I'm tired of Alice shopping stories. I thought it would be hilarious to send repressed Edward shopping - the first time he'd set foot in a store of that size in decades. I'm glad you liked my one liners. I have to admit, I have a hard time thinking of them. :)


Starched Shirt Edward has no idea what hot shit means, but he's blowing a kiss at you.



Reviewer: MiaCullen (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 01:44 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Four - Deviant

I have to say that your list of things that Renee did was great, but my favorite was "raising yaks" like who the hell is clever enough to think of that? YOU!

And wow! Mike having all that crap and pthe girls being pulled out too was hilarious. I love that you torture him mercilously.

That whole conversation between mainly Jasper and Emmett but also Edward and Rosalie about translating "douche" was freaking brilliant! I was laughing so hard!

OMG! CRAZY ORGASM! Edward was going crazy. I can't believe he broke ALLLLL that shit! And the car alarms and everything! Hahahaha he stained his pants! Embarrassing!

So, question about this: "...I turned my back she changed my human. She told me when I could turn around. I neglected to admit that the broken mirror told me when she had completed her task." Did he see her naked then? I'm confused, and completely intruiged.

And dude! Did Edward and Alice's eyes really change color for a moment during their visions, or was that just them seeing each other's visions? CRAZY STUFF

WOW! Amazing chapter!!!!!!

You seriously have no idea how much I love this story!

Author's Response:

Hi there MiaCullen!

I had fun thinking of things for Renee to do for her career. I wanted variety. :) I'm glad you and I can share my Mike torture vice. It's a weakness of mine. Jacob, too.

I really liked Emmett and Jasper in that section. They were loads of fun. Rosalie jumping in and asking to be able to watch. That made my day. glad you enjoyed it.

We refer to Edward's ahem accident, as the unfortunate incident of inadvertent venom leakage. And yes, he did see her sort of naked at least from one side. But he's a doctor. twice. professional.

Edward and Alice's eyes both changed to their original color. I had lots of fun with those visions. If I remember, Edward had two visions at the same time. I don't think that Alice saw his.Thanks so much for reviewing!



Reviewer: MiaCullen (Signed) · Date: August 01, 2009 12:33 AM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Three - EdBargo

"For right now, it suited me to let her be on top. Of the world that is."

HAHAHHA! Dirty, dirty boy!

Oh snap, this Gianni boy was trying to be all trouble. And Bella's all like, "Fuck that shit." And Edward's all like, "Aw, hell nah." And Jasper and Emmett are like, "I got your back, broskeeze." And Gianni is like, "Please kill me."



Author's Response:

Hi there MiaCullen,

I'm glad you enjoyed my little episode with Gianni. I thought the family should bond over torturing the jerk. And I liked that bella stood up for Edward. :)

Thanks so much for the review!



Reviewer: nofangsallowed (Signed) · Date: July 31, 2009 08:51 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Seventeen - When the Fur Flies

I thought he'd make Seth the shaman--did not see Paula.  So cool!  How "feminist" of you! 

I told you that you were my hero, and then I said "or maybe heroine".  I knew you are a girly-girl.  I was actually trying unsuccessfully to be punderful as I am as addicted to this story as an addict is to a drug.  You are my favorite brand of heroine, Books!

Author's Response:

hi there nofangsallowed,

You just caught me in sleep deprived mode when i answered that - there was nothing wrong with your joke. Note to self, get sleep before answering reviews. :) I didn't pick paula because she was female. although that is kind of cool. I picked her because to me she made the greatest sacrifice of everyone in the tribe. I also like doing the unexpected.

I'm delighted that you are enjoying the story cause I never met a word i didn't like. :) And it's freaking long. So hopefully I can keep up the quality. Paws crossed. :)

Thanks so much for your kind words. You made my day.



Reviewer: pclo (Signed) · Date: July 31, 2009 08:23 PM · On: Chapter 8: Heart of Darkness - Part Twenty-Six: Just So Wrong on So Many Levels

You know, I don't remember High School cafeteria as being that much fun. But then, there weren't ever thirteen (I think that my addition is correct) lovely immortals sending feelings of lust throughout the lunchroom, either. I would have remembered that.
Thanks for writing!

Author's Response:

Hi there pclo,


I wish high school was that much fun, too. Sigh. Mine was much more forgettable. Thanks for reviewing!


Books :)

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