Lisa, I have to tell you this is one of my two or three favorite chapters of the whole story.  The empathy you create with Bella's experience, of course, is stunning.  And it's so easy to imagine canon Edward acting and reacting exactly as your Edward does, being as loving, protective, and understanding as he possibly can, yet having to manage his own pain too.

Helpful that the doctor knows Carlisle and by extension Edward.  Not only because she doesn't suspect him of being the abuser, but also because she doesn't once question whether he should be there - she leaves it entirely up to Bella, as it should be.

It makes me tense up just reading this:  ‘I swallowed down a wave of nausea, dropping my gaze to my lap. Her questions were forcing the horrors of that night out from where I was frantically trying to keep them locked away.'  Poor baby.  It's a shame that she pulls her hand away from Edward's because ‘I wasn't worthy of his touch.'  Imagine what he was thinking when she did that. 

This was so affecting, after the doctor asks the condom question and sent Bella hurtling back to those awful moments: 

‘I bent forward...and pressed my forehead against my hands in my lap, squeezing my eyes shut tightly in an attempt to hide from it all. The hands...

No...there was only one hand. In my hair. Cool. And gentle. Nothing like the hot, violent hands of my monster.

Edward.

"Bella, look at me, sweetheart." His voice was soft, but desperate.' 

Desperate, exactly right.   I was so glad she accepts the comfort of letting him hold her, at least for a few minutes.  No doubt comforting to him too.

How awful, to have to consider the possibility of even graver consequences besides the physical and emotional healing she already faces - the possibility of pregnancy or disease.  Your Dr. Forrest did a great job, though, including assuring her that a missed period might have other explanations. 

This is so hard to read:  ‘...the terror of not knowing what was wrong with me was slowly eating away at me.'  At least going through the exam will give her answers.  And this is a good point:  ‘It wasn't as if I hadn't expected it, but that didn't help in the slightest to ease my terror or mortification now.'

When she's faced with the decision whether to have Edward stay or send him out of the room, ‘I was completely at a loss of what to do and was starting to panic.'  Totally understandable.  Thank goodness he steps in with a suggestion. 

‘I was surprised by his next actions. Despite our audience, he bent to press his lips to my forehead for a moment, then whispered, "You have nothing to be ashamed of, Bella."'  Sniffle.  Wonderfully said:  ‘The lingering feel of his kiss lit some of the dark places inside me, lending me strength to do what I knew was necessary. ‘  And when she does get scared, ‘I glanced over at him and knew that if I called out to him, he would be by my side immediately.'  Her rock.

Vivid:  ‘...it felt like the lump in my stomach had spread to my throat, and it took me a few seconds before any sound came out of my mouth.'

Stunning when the experienced doctor is herself startled by the extent of Bella's injuries. 

Throughout this story I love that despite the traumas she's enduring, Bella never stops thinking about what Edward might be experiencing.  ‘He looked extremely anxious, and it hit me then that it must have been exceedingly difficult for him to turn his back on everything .... It went against all his instincts.'

Entirely believable that when Dr. Forrest explains the internal exam, ‘I just stared at her' until Edward got her to respond.  ‘I couldn't stand having them both stare at me.'  It's hard to imagine how she would have gotten through that procedure without Edward both grounding and distracting her.

Perfect, after he makes her repeat that she had nothing to be ashamed of: 

‘"Damn right you don't," he growled.'

Not at all surprising that hearing the diagnosis triggered her to throw up.  She must have felt on the verge of fainting or vomiting the whole time she was in the hospital.  Thank goodness:  ‘I couldn't reject his comfort, and I leaned backward into his embrace, where the vile feelings slowly faded.'

Sad when they run into Carlisle on the way out of the hospital, and she's convinced that his kind manner is just a cover for thinking Edward would be better off without her.  She's just not ready to accept the family support that she so desperately needs.  ‘Entering the big, empty, Cullen house, I felt more out of place than ever.‘  Sigh.

Oh, this just broke my heart:  ‘"Please don't shut me out, Bella," he begged softly.'  

I thought I remembered some EPOV of the exam itself.  Another chapter?

An awful lot to ask of him:  ‘She'd made it through the exam. I had made it through the exam-just barely, but I'd gotten through it nonetheless. And now, just when it seemed we had made it through the worst and she was starting to let me in, she was holding me at arms length again.‘

The explanation for why Alice's vision of Bella was clouded - shudder.  Probably just as well they didn't know why until it was over.

Lovely conversation with Esme.  Who else could she have talked to about her fears that her future with Edward had been irreparably spoiled?

At last Bella gets it, after reminding herself of Edward's actions over the last few days:  ‘He loved me as much as I loved him, and he would stay with me through everything, no matter how damaged I was.'  And ‘I wasn't sparing him more pain by pushing him away. I was making it worse.'   That's right.

So touching when she feels a sudden, urgent need to make sure he knows she loves him.  I smiled when ‘he came bursting into the room, glancing around as if looking for someone to attack.'  For once he was going to get some good news! 

Charming:

‘He reached out to touch my cheek. "You just have to give it time, love." 

I looked up at him again. "That's what Esme said." 

"Ah, you see? It must be true then. She knows everything," he said with a smile.‘

Great job, as always.

Author's Response:

Really? Believe it or not, I think I actually struggled with this chapter the most. Even more than the rape chapter. As unpleasant as it was to write that chapter, it more or less wrote itself, even when I finally did go back to re-edit it - it's been re-worked the least of all the earlier chapters. This chapter, on the other hand, was very difficult when I first wrote it and has gone through the mill numerous times. You are right that there used to be EPOV of the exam. I took it out because there was too much repetitive POVs and also because the writing really made me cringe. I do still have it saved on my computer somewhere though. Couldn't seem to bring myself to delete it. 

Thank you so much for your comments and compliments! In light of my struggles with this chapter, it's wonderful to hear you found it as effecting as I'd hoped it would be.

(Reply date: Sept 29)

‘Bella didn't want to see [Charlie] until after the exam' - that has to be hard for a Dad.  Not surprising that Edward had to press him to follow her wishes.  It's like she has this tiny circle of people she feels comfortable being around (let's see, Edward and, um, Edward?), and it will take time to let others back in. 

I love this thought:  ‘Until Jacob was no longer a threat, I would always be close enough to hear her heart beating.'  If she knew about his determination, and could accept this gift, she could relax on that score.

Aww, the family members are being so supportive, of Edward as well as Bella.  ‘Now that Bella couldn't hear me, all my emotions were surfacing.'  He picked the right time and place to vent a little. 

Interesting insight into Rosalie:  ‘Rosalie wasn't an easy person for anyone to get along with, mostly because she kept all her thoughts and feelings hidden. I could understand her because I could read her mind, but Emmett was the only one she had completely and willingly let behind her defenses.'  Lovely:  ‘Bella's kind heart had eventually managed to weave its way into Rosalie's heavily guarded one.'  That's what makes Bella special.

A very affecting scene when she tries endlessly - and futilely - to scrub every trace of him from her body.  Cold water to counteract the memory of Jacob's body heat?  It's easy to imagine someone else using the hottest possible water trying to get clean.

Sad that these thoughts have possessed her mind:  ‘But would he still love me even after he knew all the horrible details and could see how I was unable to forget the awful feel of Jacob all around me? How could he continue to love me? I felt like I would never be normal again.'  She sees only the damage, he sees only Bella.

How frightening for him when she doesn't answer his knock at the bathroom door.  I wonder how long she might have sat there in the cold shower if he hadn't intervened.  Seems like she was very close to being unresponsive again, mentally if not physically.

That's quite a moment when he sees more of her bruises, and has to control his fury in order to be of help to her.

Stunning:  ‘"Bella, love. I'm not going to hurt you. You'll always be safe with me." ... Here I was, trying to assure her of the very thing that she herself had tried to convince me of time and time again. The realization stung more than I ever thought possible. ... Because in all the ways I'd ever been terrified of hurting her, this had never been one of them.'

She finally does look at him for a moment, but rather than fear ‘the magnitude of shame and complete loss of hope I'd seen in her tear-filled eyes.'  Now that he's helped her work through that initial layer of terror, this is the next mountain to climb.

Sniffle:  ‘Acting on impulse, I made sure the towel was completely wrapped around her before carefully scooping her up into my arms. Settling on the floor with my back braced against the wall, I pulled her against my chest and whispered, "You'll always be my beautiful Bella."'

Amazing how effective his instinctive action turned out to be; she not only felt brave enough to lock eyes with him (surprisingly), but she was able to accept comfort from his presence.  ‘While I rocked her in my arms, and her tears and wet hair soaked through my shirt, I thought of the glimmer of hope I'd just seen in her eyes and realized that she was ready to fight for us. And I would always fight with her.'  I didn't realize I was practically holding my breath until this conclusion.

From her POV we learn that she did always realize it was him in the room with her, and she only pulled away because of fear of him seeing the damage to her body.  Nice:  ‘His words and the familiar, velvety softness of his voice took me by surprise, almost like a jolt to my aching heart.' 

Well said:  ‘Even when Edward's presence managed to force all the vivid memories to the back of my mind, they were forever lurking, waiting for the opportune moment to pull me under once more.' 

Oh gosh.  ‘I had no doubt that he loved the person that I'd been, but I was sure that that person was lost forever and after seeing me now, he had to know it too. I wished more than anything that I could be that person again for him, but I could no longer see her myself.' 

Wonderful:  ‘His words only reinforced what I'd already realized from just that one simple gesture. ... the proof of his love was everywhere: his touch, his voice, and his gaze. It penetrated deep into my soul and brought back a small glimmer of hope. If he could still manage to find something in me to love, then maybe, just maybe, I could find myself again.‘

She's still so mired in suffering in this chapter, but at least she begins to believe he still loves her - a crucial step.

 

Vividly described, what she’s still experiencing:  ‘I was awake now, I knew, but my breath was still yanking violently in and out of my chest, and I kept my eyes squeezed tightly shut, terrified of what I might see if I opened them.’  And then not trusting her own senses that Edward is really there with her.

 

‘My tears spilled over and I dove into [his arms], my chest choking up a sob.’  How difficult for him.

 

This made me hold my breath: “Why didn’t you tell me, Bella?” he breathed. “Why did you try so hard to keep it from me?”  I’m glad she was honest with him about both reasons.

 

He’s correct about this, right?  As hard as it would be for her to talk:  ‘“Bella…” he started. “…it might help if you talk to me about what happened. It’s not good to keep things inside,” he said carefully, keeping his gaze locked on my face.’ 

 

Oh, geez, as if it hasn’t already been a difficult morning, he has to talk to her about going to the hospital.   Hmm, interesting that when he tells her that Charlie knows what happens, he doesn’t throw Carlisle under the bus, he just says “[Charlie] came over here yesterday, demanding to see you and when he saw you…well, it was necessary to tell him.”

 

Aww, she has to be so adult about this, seeing the reasons why she needs to be examined, even though it’s about the last thing in the world she wants to do.  Thank goodness Edward is so insightful, so able to think through the process from her point of view and consider ways to make it less traumatic. 

 

Quite a dilemma for her:  ‘I felt a knot tie in my stomach, and I looked down at our entwined hands. I was torn. A big part of me desperately wanted him to be there because he made me feel safe and would help to ease my terror, but another part of me was horrified at the thought of him seeing more details of how ruined I really was.’

 

Edward is so very tough on himself.  ‘trying to pretend for a moment that all was well, that the fates hadn’t dealt such a horrible, cruel blow. Because thinking about it, thinking about what that monster had done, hurt more than all the pain in the universe.      But I deserved it. Didn’t deserve even a second of relief.’

 

It doesn’t occur to him that just as Bella is innocent here and all the blame belongs to Jacob, he is innocent too.   ‘Still, even with the guilt of knowing I didn’t deserve this one reprieve, I couldn’t help but feel marginally better, knowing that she could still let me touch her. ‘  Well, he’s certainly right that if she were unable to connect with him, they’d be in much deeper trouble. 

 

‘...I could scrutinize every little detail, every action, every spark of terror that I had witnessed her suffer through over the last few days, both awake and asleep. I hadn’t understood it then, but now I knew that I’d been the trigger of that terror on more than one occasion. Not intentionally, of course…’  Poor guy.  You’re doing a good job building up the evidence that he needs help dealing with this too.

 

‘That she would think I could see her as any less beautiful! That he could completely shatter what little self-confidence she had!

It broke my heart a thousand times over.’ 

 

Thank goodness for this bright spot:

‘“[Charlie] realizes how much I love you. He trusts me now.”

For a few seconds, the good news started to calm her…’

 

Understandable that she lashes out at Edward, saying that he doesn’t really understand how difficult the exam will be for her.  ‘I hauled in a deep breath, as if it might somehow lend me strength, because, God help me, I was ready to fall apart.’  Wow, not something I ever expected to see from Edward Cullen. 

 

A hopeful conclusion:  ‘…when she nodded slowly I could also detect her silent strength, fighting its way through. My Bella was still there, hidden behind all the pain and suffering. I just wished she could see it herself.’

 

Amazing how this Jacob is so delusional!  "I'm going to make you happy, Bells, I promise."  Apparently what SHE wants is irrelevant.   And then he gets so angry when she stands up for herself.  Shudder.

Good phrase:  ‘His scent scorched like a toxin through my veins...'   Such a relief when Edward catches up to them enough to hear her heartbeat.  What a tough choice, pursue Jacob or look after Bella.  Not a choice at all, it turns out.

Oh that's right, he had only seen the bruises on her back and arms.  This is an awful occasion to see more, including the brand new one on her face.  And then it takes him a few moments to realize how unresponsive she is.

Lucky that Carlisle has his centuries of experience with damaged humans, at least he can give Edward a little less reason to panic.  He understands, too, that it would be best to defer a complete exam until Bella can give her consent.  I can't imagine what it would be like for a victim to wake up in another frightening situation.

I'm glad Esme points this out to Edward:  "She wanted to visit him. You couldn't have held her against her will. It wouldn't have been right."  He needs to hear it.  And Jasper:  "The only one to blame here is Jacob."

At least the pack has finally learned what Jacob did, and rejected his authority.

Nicely done:  ‘"Jasper," I said, my voice low, "what emotions can you feel from Bella now?"

He hesitated before speaking it aloud, but answered it right away in his head without wanting to.

Nothing.'

Maybe the scariest possible answer.

You did a great job with the scene of Charlie showing up to look for Bella.  I'm so glad you chose to make him a realistic father.  Of course he would be looking for Bella when he gets home, and wouldn't be dissuaded from seeing her for himself. "Get out of my way, Edward!"  That's a real dad.  How upsetting for him as the puzzle pieces fall into place, explaining her behavior over the last few days.

I loved that Esme defended Edward to Charlie, and put the blame squarely on Jacob.  Sad, though, when Charlie thinks ‘Not Billy's son.'  Charlie, too, will have a sense of guilt and betrayal to work through.

Interesting detail:  ‘This was something else cops were familiar with; the signs of someone going into shock. But experiencing it for yourself was another matter all together.'

An "at last!" moment between Charlie and Edward.  ‘The tension that had always existed between us melted away in that moment. "But I'm sorry...that I failed her in this..."'  Breaks my heart.  Of course Charlie's answer is perfect.

Good job too on Bella's struggle about whether to "come back".  ‘I was just so awfully, horribly tired of it all.'  Yeah.

What an awful thought for Edward:  ‘What if she awakened and was afraid to be alone with me?' She has been so volatile, and just had another terrifying time.

Wonderful summary of what Edward gets from their relationship:  ‘she'd taught me that I wasn't the monster I'd always believed myself to be. ... I'd finally felt like I was alive.'

And sigh, of course she comes back for his lullaby.  

 

Hiiiiiiiiii I hope you're still working on this one it's so emotional and heart wrenching but that's why it's so perfect. You have great ideas even just the little stuff they talk about make the entire story! Can't wait. (March 24, 2013)

Author's Response:

Hey, thanks so much for your lovely compliment on my story. Sorry this response is so late but I wanted you to know it meant a lot. I'm definitely still working on the story. The new chapter finally posted just recently! I hope you enjoy it!

~Lisa

(reply date: Oct 8)

Is it time for a little hint? pleeease... just a teeny little hello from the author? :-)

I'm so enamored with this story! Thanks for all of your hard work. Can't wait to see if Edward picked up on anything from Sanda.

Well worth the wait :-)  The meadow....sigh. I understand the impulse to want to write better (I'm very perfectionistic myself), but  I can say honestly that the content of your writing has always been perfect to me b/c it IS Edward and Bella.  So while there are always stylistic things to fix, I think the hardest part is capturing the essence of the characters and you have nailed that from day one.  It's the reason this story is one of my favorites and will remain so however much you do or do not tweak it in the future. 

 

I felt the same way after seeing the last movie, so this update couldn't have come at a better time.  My enthusiasm for Twilight has not faded at all and I'm glad to hear at least one other person feels the same! 

 

On the job front - I struggled mightily right after grad school, and the interview process is BRUTAL.  There's nothing to say, but hang in there - the hard work will pay off (though it never seems that way during the whole process of getting a job). 

 

I cannot wait for another updte - I'm so glad she's getting counseling and that Edward will be getting it too.  He needs it and I love that she realizes that and is taking care of him as much as he is taking care of her. 

 

Absolutely wonderful as usual!! Thank you for sticking with it - I am so so grateful!

Author's Response:

So...um, better late than never??? You're probably wondering... What the heck is this?! She's responding?!  I am so very sorry for completely vanishing. Long story short, my life was a mess with the whole job situation pulling me way down, and then a very horrible interivew experience was the last straw (son of a bitch interviewer ripped me apart and asked completely inappropriate personal questions). I was devastated. This story is a difficult subject for me to write and I just couldn't do it in the state of mind I was in. I had to completely distance myself from this story, including responding to any reviews/mesages.

That being said, everything completely turned around for me about 4 months ago when I landed not just any job but my dream job! Of course, what with moving far away, learning a new job, etc, time to write has been very scarce. I get my inspiration back but then there's no time. Ah, well, at least I can work with that. It's slow going but I wanted to let you know (if you still care, that is...) that I'm back writing again. I just finished the new chapter recently and submitted it last Tuesday. I'm now going back and trying to answer reviews. I wanted to tell you that this review in particular really meant a lot to me, knowing you feel I have captured the essence of the original characters. I'm very picky about that and am constantly battling with myself to get the charaters exactly right. There's tons of well-written All-human fic but for me it's just not Twilight without the vampires or without the characters actually being IN character. It's wonderful to hear you feel I succeeded in that.

(Reply date: Sept 30)

I don't plan on leaving the world of Twilight any time soon - just because the last movie is done - which by the way was AWESOME.  Keep writing and know that we are still here following you.

On: Chapter 5

 

The last chapter I almost skipped because of your warning, but I honour authors by reading their whole stories if I'm going to read it at all.  I nearly threw up.

I also have had that experience.  It took 6 years before I could tell anyone about it.

It took 20 years for the emotional scars to fade.  Even now they haunt me from time to time.

Author's Response:

I am so sorry :(

I know how hard it is to read something like this after being through it. I often can't read other people's stories with this kind of scene, which might make no sense coming from someone who wrote such a horrible scene, but writing this story has been a form of release for me.

It has taken me years to tell anyone too.

Again, I am so very sorry.

 

Hey, I knew what I was getting into when I started the story.  I was trying to express how well you wrote that horrific scene.  Having read more chapters since then, I think you have handled the horror of date rape very, very well.  There is more than just the trauma of the assault, like if it were a stranger.  There is the unbelievable terror of it being someone you knew, and trusted.  I am so glad that you have found catharsis in writing this piece.  It must be so difficult for you to call back those memories, but I understand not dealing directly with a person helps.  I wrote journals and then burned them - I could "talk" about it without having to face anyone as I did it.  I was held by the throat - I still can't wear tight necklaces or turtlenecks.

I finally told someone because of an STD scare.  Unfotunately my mother worked at the STD/AIDS department of the health unit.  In order for an AIDS test to be run at that time, they needed to know the reason you were requesting one.  I pleaded with her not to tell my Dad.  It took 3 weeks to get my results.  I was a nervous wreck the whole time.  I never did tell my Dad, but it was hurting him so badly, not knowing what had happened.  Before it happened we were so close, and after I couldn't stand to be around men at all for a long time.  It all but destroyed that relationship.  Eventually Mom showed him an article on date rape and said "that's what happened to your daughter". 

Several years later I ended up applying for long term disability, and the man handling my case was my attackers father.  I talked to his supervisor, asking for anyone else to handle my case.  They were... unco-operative.  I went to the head of that government office, and they also refused.  I explained why I wanted a different worker and it made no difference.  I finally went to my MPP.  Uh, Member of Parliment.  I don't know what it would be in your country, but it's the highest elected provincal at the province/state level.  He did something.  The first supervisor I talked to that refused to help me was fired.  The other was demoted.

I'm sorry, I don't know why I ended up telling you all this.  I guess your story evoked my own.  I haven't consciously thought about this in years.

Here's a statistic for you:  As of 2011, it is estimated that less that 10% of victims report sexual assault.  It is also estimated that one in two women are sexually assaulted at some point, but most don't recognize what happened as rape.  Women take the blame for drinking too much so they didn't protest, it was because of how they dressed that night, they got drugged so don't clearly remember what happened.    You may find this interesting, I know I did:   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_culture

I hope your healing continues and wish you many blessings.

 

Author's Response:

So sorry I didn't respond sooner, but I wanted to really take the time to give you a proper response. Thank you for taking the time to share this with me. It's a good feeling, hearing from someone who can relate and knowing you are reading my story. At times writing this story IS difficult for me, but other times it just comes easily. And overall, writing this has made me discover a love for writing I never imagined I would have. Writing was honestly the last thing on earth I would've thought to come to love, and if not for what happened to me I never would have started writing. So I like to think of it as something good that has come out of the bad, which is also a theme I try to show in this story as well. Of course, I also have to credit Stephenie Meyer for helping me find my love for writing as well :)

You're right about not talking directly with a person, and how difficult it is to tell anyone. Honestly, I have found it quite shocking how many people commented after that rape chapter saying they thought it was so stupid of her not to tell anyone etc. I remember one person saying since she was a cop's daughter she would've known better and should've told and so on. But seriously knowing what's the right thing and actually being able to do it are two entirely different things. I was just surprised at how so many people didn't seem to see how hard it is for a victim to talk about it with anyone. 

I am completely appalled and disgusted to hear how you were treated regarding the person handling your disability application. Makes me sick. Glad at least it was resolved in the end. I think you bring up a great point about rape culture (thanks for the link!) and how society views rape. It has a HUGE impact on victims. Not sure if you've read the newest chapter of my story but I wanted to show how the communtity reaction and gossip can impact a victim. 

Anyway, thank you so much again. I can't even tell you how much it means to me to know you are reading my story and that you made it past that horrid chapter! 

I wish you and your family a happy holiday season. xoxoxoxox

~Lisa

By "get what he deserves"  I do hope you mean he is castrated, tortured and dismembered.  At very least castrated.  On the other hand you can't try the mentally unstable in criminal court *grrrrrr*  I just can't wait to see when ROSALIE gets word of this!

I love this fandom and would never go any where!!! Thanks for the update and chin up young person! Things will turn around just don't give up...