Seven chapters, one for each Cullen, based on the lives they lead as humans. Why is it that neither Carlisle Cullen, Jasper Whitlock, Esme Platt, Edward Masen, Alice Brandon, Rosalie Hale, nor Emmett McCarty had happy, carefree lives before they became immortal? Is it the times they lived in?

Amazing banner by the amazing evieeden.

When Carlisle and Esme had enough of Edward's and Rosalie's bickering, they left the bickering kids on a deserted island while they went to Isle Esme. A whole month with nothing to do but keep from ripping each other apart. NC-17 for lemons.

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Written for mostly a lurker's fundraiser

Hypothesis: Vampires are capable of vertical inheritance.

Objectives:

1. Get Jasper knocked up at least three times in one story. Why? Because it is not nearly as funny to knock up any of the other vampires. And since female vampires are just as hard to knock up as males, might as well go all the way and choose Jasper.


2. Knock up all the other Cullens while I am at it. Why? Because I can’t think of a good reason why Jasper would be any more knocked up than the rest of them. Maybe Emmett would be… but Emmett is not as funny.


3. Accuse Edward of having a sexual relationship with his piano and bring up this accusation as many times as possible without Bella finding out.


4. End in a war between the Cullens and the Volturi, because the Volturi think Carlisle is lying about vampires laying eggs. Why? Because it is the funniest reason for a war I can think of.


5. Explain vampire genetics, using plasmids, in a way that is one hundred percent compatible with everything ever said by Stephenie Meyer about vampires.


6. Explain how vampires can reproduce vertically without violating the “vampires cannot change” law of vampiredom.


7. Make entire story one hundred percent biologically accurate, despite the vampires. Why? Because I’m a biologist.


8. Tell a bunch of Cullenesque stories and make it funny, because that which is funniest is best.

Recently nominated for a hidden star award.

The award nominations keep coming: now nominated for multiple  iSparkle Awards including the You'll Quote Me Later Award for the thing with Edward and his inappropriate relationship with his piano. Please go vote now!

Also nominated for an Eclipse award for best vampire!

Bella Swan was a successful journalist and a bitch.  She craved to meet someone who would ignite passion in her dull, monotonous life.  When asked to interview a popular romance novelist, Bella's fate is forever altered. Enter stage left... Edward Cullen.  A man who comes into Bella's life...and is mysterious, aloof and...bad.  A man who has endured a traumatic past and is trying to regain what circumstance had taken from him.  A man who will do anything to be with his one true love.  Rated for language, bitchy banter and lemons. Bella/Edward/Alice points of view. 

****WINNER OF 4 TOMATO SOUP AWARDS...BEST ANGST, BEST CANON, BEST EMMETT AND BEST ROSALIE****

THANK YOU TO CHRISTAG BANNERS FOR THE LOVELY BANNER!!!!

If you faced losing everything…

Would you trade your mortality to keep just a part of what you have? Count the cost before you decide.

One year after BD and all is not well. Bella's newborn year was way too easy. The newest Cullens are much harder to handle-both of them. Jasper has a tough year ahead dealing with these two! Flashes of human memories add to the tension and mystery.   

Once the venom courses through your veins it’s too late to change your mind.

New banner by Sunray16!!!

Carlisle Cullen considers himself a doctor first and a vampire second. His focus is to protect life. What he finds at a fatal crash seen causes him to break the treaty his family has honored for over 80 years. The entire Cullen family will face the consequences of his last minute decision. Now the wolves are pissed and the Volturi are getting nervous.

Scott and Diane started out on a family vacation they would never finish.  After losing their lives and children through the fires of transformation, can they still hang on to each other?  Diane's human memories, once thought lost, are slowly breaking through in the strangest of ways.  Why does she recognize the vampire in one of Esme's treasured albums?  By the time the Cullens figure out what's going on, all they can do is prepare for the inevitable.

This is a story of love, loss, and picking up the pieces. Even for immortals time only moves forward. There really is no way back.

 Aug. 2011 Nominated in the best Angst/Drama Category

A Twilight fairy tale.

The holidays have arrived, and at Empire State Acadmey, a school-wide Secret Santa has everyone excited for the holidays. Will Bella and Edward finally have a chance to make sparks fly, or will the mystery of the game keep them in suspense until after the break?

PG-13 for possible language

Bella Swan has a loving supportive family and friends, but life isn't always easy. When she finds herself pregnant without a significant other, she retreats to Florida to make sense of her life.

Love isn't always in black and white...

OOC

Special thanks to M81170 for the new banner and special thanks to ms_ambrosia for my new GIF, which is now on the Forum.  Virtual hugs to you both.

After the surprising demise of her relationship, a broken Bella relies on her music, friends and one night stands to make it through. But the appearance of a handsome, green-eyed stranger takes her breathe away.

Can he be the keeper of her elusive "O"?  Or might he be even more than she was looking for?

(Featuring:  Felix and Demetri)

To most, Bella Swan is the image of the quintessential businesswoman.  But buried deep behind a thick skin and designer clothes, she hides secrets both inside and outside the office.  Until she loses a promotion, and gets a new boss.


*Judges pick for the Darkella's Darkest Temptation Contest, held by the girls of The Temptation of the Naughty Muses, a combined effort of the Twilight Muses, Jaspers Naughty Girls, and Darkest Temptations.

If you're not 18+, please move on to another fic.

Thanks to the most-talented FrozenSoldier for this beeeutiful banner.

Thank you to the amazing TwiCarol for this gorgeous winner banner!

OSaS was rec'd over at the WordyBitches blog.  Thanks so much to HammerHips and the gals over there!

Bella swan is working as a reporter for the Seattle Tribune when an assignment comes across her desk she doesn't want. However, she gets stuck writing Seattle's Most Eligible Bachelor's What happens when she crosses paths with the elusive Edward Cullen.

This is the fourth book in a series about Bella and Rob Pattinson. 

Bella Jordan Pattinson, wife of superstar, Robert Pattinson, suddenly begins to display exceptional martial arts and hand-to-hand combat skills, yet she has no memory of being trained.  Did she have another life before she met Rob?  Why doesn’t she remember, and why is she starting to remember now? 

Here is an excerpt from, “The Spy Who Loved Me:”

As part of Rob’s training for his new role, he had to learn to fence.  When he and his instructor took a break, I picked up a large sword and without thinking, rolled it around my palm like Obi Wan wielding a light saber. 

Jade, Rob’s instructor, walked over to me.  “That sword is for Katana, a Chinese martial art.  Who taught you how to handle it?” She asked.

“No one,” I replied, as I spun the sword again.

She laughed, assuming I was being facetious.  She picked up another heavy sword and parried.

As I sensed that she was about to lunge, I tossed my sword over her head, dropped onto one hand and vaulted to the side opposite her sword hand; I instantly righted myself, and caught the sword midair.  Before she knew what had happened, my blade was pointed at the back of her neck.

She dropped her sword, turned and bowed, then looked at Rob.  “You didn’t tell me your wife had studied Katana,” she said.

“No, I didn’t,” he replied.  “Bella, may I speak with you?”

When we were out of earshot, he stopped and faced me.  “What was that?” He asked, incredulously.

“I don’t know,” I said, still dazed.

“What do you mean, ‘you don’t know?’  You just forgot to mention that you are an expert at sword fighting?”

“Rob, I have never picked up a sword before in my life!”

“Why are you lying to me about this?” He yelled.

I started to cry.  How could he accuse me of lying?  “I’m not lying!  Why would I?” I yelled at him.

“I don’t know why, but I know what I saw,” he hissed as he stormed away.